Too purty to live in town.....

5/24/07

Joseph promoted to orange belt!!! I'm so proud of him. He did good!

Today was a rough day for me. I've been pretty melancholic most of the day and it seemed every client I had to deal with today had been beaten by stupid sticks. I was quite frustrated by the end of the day.

I've also been thinking about a love I lost a while ago. Someone that I cared deeply for suddenly and shockingly decided they didn't want me in their life anymore. It hurt terribly at first, and as with most broken hearts, over time healing comes. However today, I got to thinking about that person, and got to missing his smile, his laughter and the comaraderie we shared. Suddenly it felt as if he had dumped me yesterday and the hurt was fresh all over again.

I know why. I was listening to a song that Allison Krauss did with James Taylor called How's the World Treating You, and I started thinking about him. Those sappy love songs will do it every time. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe the universe is telling me it's better to stay alone for now. With Joe's issues, and the donkey's bulls***, maybe that's just requiring more grace than anyone else has to give me right now. I mean really, who would want to knowingly step into all that?? The truth is, my reality just kinda sucks right now.

8 more years.....8 more years. Seems like an eternity right now. Yet, I know one day I'll wake up and wonder "where did the time go?" I don't want to miss a second of my son's childhood, yet I yearn for a life outside of parenting. I know, be thankful for what I have. I am. I am deeply grateful. I know that I must take the bitter with the sweet, and right now I'm getting a taste of the bitter side.

This emotional thing I'm feeling will pass. I've long since learned not to give much credence to my emotions as they are temporary and frequently wrong and simply cannot be trusted. All I can do is feel whatever I am feeling, own it, acknowledge it, while not trusting it, and let it run it's course and eventually fade away.

This is not a normal type blog for me. I like to write things that are uplifting and cheerful. This is not one of those days. I'm real cranky right now, and I am allowing myself to be that way. Why? Because I'm the mommy, that's why!!!