The Undiscovered Country

Bored Stupid?

One thing about avoiding my computer is it’s given me a lot of time to think. Too much time, probably.

I admit to being a little depressed. Part of it is due to being wore out all the time. I’ve also lost interest in a few things that mattered most to me; that includes writing, but more importantly I haven’t been spending any time talking to God.

At the same time, I feel him close, but content to remain as silent as I am. I think he knows I need the rest.

Still, it’s sad I haven’t picked up my Bible in about three weeks, not once. We have one more lesson for Disciple, but it’s been on hold that long, because with it being our last, our pastor needs to be there. Ha! As busy as he is, I don’t anticipate that happening any time soon. In fact, I’m frustrated to the point I recommended we ask our other pastor to attend instead. So far no word on either of them.

I know every soon-to-be parent goes through darker periods, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me. I can’t help wondering, being as old as I am, if I am so set in my ways, will I resent the child’s constant needs, and in the end regretful?

Dave and I talked about it yesterday, and he agreed there will be moments like that. He said also those moments will be few and far between, because the blessings will far outweigh them.

I know he’s right, but when I’m tired and frustrated like this, it’s hard to turn away from the shadows and focus on the light instead.

A lot of this moodiness I attribute to hormones, and therefore not to be taken all that seriously. I honestly don’t, but at the same time hate getting through it. I’m used to being more joyful and optimistic, and miss that part of me right now.

How spoiled I am! I thought about how back a hundred years and earlier, and even today in nations not as well off as the US, women worked in fields, and other physically demanding jobs up until they gave birth, and even soon after that, continued on. They had to because they didn’t - and many still don’t - have a choice.

And here I’m whining about being tired and moody. I need to toughen up. However, that I can complain about the little things shows just how good everything is.

See what I mean about thinking too much?

My biggest hope right now - at least as far as this journal is concerned - is I’ll be able to write about other - and more positive - things soon. My apologies if I’m boring you stupid.

Then again, I don’t want to be bored stupid alone .