Second Helpings

Caffeine Complications

Most Wednesdays I go to Nottingham with my friend Big Pam. We browse, we shop, we put the world to rights, eat out and sup a few vinos before returning home. Some time during the afternoon I know for certain Pam will state she's gasping for a coffee and off we'll trot to the nearest coffee bar. Once inside Pam will collapse into a seat and rely on yours truly to purchase the coffee.

What she fails to realise is these days you need a degree, the patience of a saint and plenty of stamina to place the order.

'Two coffees please.'

'Black or white?'

'White please.'

'Ordinary or decaf?'

'Ordinary please.'

'Espresso, Cappucino, Latte or Mocha?'

'Cappucino please.'

'Cup or mug?'

'Mug please.'

'Small, regular or large?'

'Regular please.'

'Milk or cream?'

'Milk please.'

'Full fat, semi skimmed or skimmed?'

'Semi-skimmed please.'

'Sugar?'

'In one of them please.' {Pam needs it to replace the energy spent sitting at the table.)

'Brown or white?'

'Brown please.'

'One lump or two?'

'Four please.'

'Topping?'

'Yes please.'

'Chocolate or cinnamon?'

'Chocolate please.'

'Will that be all?'

'Yes, thank you.'

'Can I interest you in one of our cakes to go with your coffee?'

'No thanks, I have a plane to catch on Monday.'

At least next week I'll be spared the interrogation and if Pam wants coffee she'll have to fetch her own. I'll send hubby for mine while I lie by the pool. But then again, if the Spanish waiters live up to expectation I might be generous and offer to fetch his.