J_Bryon: Life and Times of Me

"Why does it have to be like this?",

is the question I continuously ask myself every time my wife, whom I love with all my heart, decides to have an episode, or two or three, of anger and disgust and hatred towards me. She decides that this moment, or moments as it usually turns out to be, is as good of time as any other time, to discuss my shortcomings towards her. In other words, we have a "discussion" on why I can't be what she needs me to be. Actually, it's fight...no, a one sided fight with her doing 95% of the talking, yelling, name calling, etc. What's it all about? Well, where do I begin?

Most of the time is about why I don't do what she has clearly said I could do to show me I appreciate and love her. I hate doing housework. I find the monotony too overwhelming. I want to do it all but I just can't. I see what needs to be done and I freeze. I know that it would make life good for me but it doesn't matter. I see it all and I really do want to jump in but then I sense that it's going to take me a while and I make a mistake. I sit down or I go do something else. Why? Because I don't want to do. If I could just do something without being told.... Oh, I hate myself! I need to change my mindset. I need to take Nike's old slogan and make it my own. "Just Do It"! Or maybe even Larry the Cable Guy's catchphrase of "Git'er Done!"
She'll ask me why I do what I do and I don't have an answer for me. She goes to tears and I don't have any words for her. I really don't have any reasons or excuses, as she calls them, for my stupidity.

Sometimes we have a similar "discussion" on why I complain about the things I do. My head works this way: I feel like I need something or I want something or I make a comment that something needs to be fixed either on the car or in the house. I know we don't have the money for, no matter what the issue is, it and it isn't going to get remedied. It's just isn't. And I don't let it go. I say it's reminding but to her it's nagging and I complain about it over and over and over. She tells me it makes her feel badly that she can't do anything about right now and that I should stop. Once is enough. But I can't. I have this uncontrollable need burning inside me to mention it. AM I JUST STUPID? Don't say it! DON'T! But I do and, well, HERE WE GO! Damn it! You big dummy! Why did you do that?! You knew this was going to happen, again!

Would my wife be better off without me? Except for the kids asking her what's up or where I am I'd have to say a resounding....YES. Yes she would be. Am I going to off myself? Nah, I enjoy living too much. Being a Christian I'm not going to kill myself. I'm NOT Catholic so I don't believe in the "Kill Yourself and You'll Go To Hell" CRAP. I'm saved. No matter what I do I'm going to heaven. Hands down, clear cut, no doubt about it. Read the Bible. It's in there. Same goes for getting a divorce. I ain't gonna do it! And I don't think my wife will ever do it either but I can't say she doesn't think about it. She's told me on more than one occasion that she considers marrying me one of her biggest mistakes. Yeah, she's said it. I guess I can do her a favor and hope I get into a wreck on my daily drives to and from work and NOT survive. I'm not going to try and find an accident but I may not do my best to avoid one if the opportunity comes knocking.

Oh, she'd be so much better off if I were gone. How would the kids take it? Well, my youngest daughter, who is 3, probably wouldn't remember me. No worries there. My oldest daughter, 5 years old, might remember me. But I'm sure she'd get over it...sooner or later. Now comes the boy. He's 8. Biologically, he's not my son but I've been in his life since he was 2. I'm the only "Dad" he has ever known. His biological father left my wife when she was 6 months pregnant and has never seen my son. So, I'm not sure how he'd take it if I were gone. He always wants to please his mother and make her happy and see her happy so I guess if it'd make him happy to see her happy I'm good with it. Will he miss me though? Probably. Deep down, however, would it affect him emotionally for the long-term? Doubt it. If anything he'd probably be better in the long run. What about our unborn child? Well, fatherless children are born everyday. He/she would survive. At least it would ever have been subjected to my stupidity and my wife's yelling. I can hope she'd find someone better so my girls would have a better father figure than myself. Would I be remembered? Honestly, I'd say my parents would for the long term and only until they are finished. That's it. I haven't created anything that would warrant a legacy other than my unborn kid and my girls. Any money my kids and my wife would get from me being gone would only last, at best, a short while. At least she wouldn't have to be put further in debt for a funeral thanks to my life insurance through my job.

Well, TTFN!