Aliens, Critters, and Dinosaurs

The Animal Revolt

The animals protest their lack of participation in the Olympics.

Animal Revolt

Deep in Africa, the rumbles started. “Why are the Olympics only for people?” the animals asked. “Where is equal representation?”

The lion roared and tossed his mane. “Who do those humans think they are -- only allowing people in the Olympics? That’s prejudice.”

The zebra stood at a distance because, even though the lion wasn’t hunting, the equine got a little nervous in close proximity to his sharp, feline teeth. He was also standing upwind for added safety. Thus he was free to toss his head and say, “I can run faster than any of those men.”

“Yeah,” said the hippo, “I can hold my breath longer than any swimmer.”

The giraffe commented that he could reach up higher than any human. Was there an event like that?

The animals put their heads together (figuratively, since no one was all that trustful of each other and since the buzzards stank), and they came up with a solution. They would campaign for a new event and require the acceptance of nonhuman contestants.

The news spread, and soon all the animals everywhere in the world were practicing and evolving new sports. The kangaroo was into hurdle jumping. The raccoon developed boxing skill, the cobra refined his ability to ride elephants in elegant dressage, and the cows became excellent soccer players. The walruses, sea lions, and elephant seals drew up t plans for a new underwater diving competition. (Since few animals could watch and no one ever understood the rules of the competition, it never landed, so to speak.) Down in Australia the platypus was working on an event that required dexterity, poisoned claws, and flat tails. (But no one would compete since they were all afraid of the poisoned claws.)

The day for the animal competition arrived. In every nation of the world, four-legged, two-legged, and eight-tentacled beasts assembled in groups, in herds, in flocks, and in armies to show what they could do. The competitions were tough, truly worthy of Olympic silver and gold medals.

In the end, everyone agreed that the most outstanding event they witnessed was the water buffalo-playing Chaos team from South Africa. The buffaloes had invented a brand new Olympic game, one in which the team members ran around chasing a ball about the field. The purpose of their game was not to kick the ball anywhere in particular, however, but to tell the best joke. A player couldn't even kick the ball until he'd told a big funny. If the other players fell down laughing, the jokester won a point.

The audience spasmed in appreciation as the jokes got sillier and funnier. “Yeah,” cheered everyone when the vote was counted and it was found that the buffalos had won.

The U.S. cow team was quite upset, but they were good sports. They donated a multi-colored ball for the real Olympic try-outs. The Hawaiian dolphin team of gymnasts came up with a silver whistle for good luck, and the llamas, skilled in the skiing events, sent some Brazil nuts for energy.

Then it was time to convince the Olympic panel. A team was made up from the animals across the world: a moose from Canada, a polar bear from the North Pole, a tortoise from the Galapagos Islands, and a red fox from Wales. These animals traveled by whale, cheetah, and horse to the Olympic committee to give their presentation. The moose knocked on the door. The polar bear was quite assertive about being first to talk, but it was the red fox who began their speech. Then the tortoise handed over the application, their recommendations, and their threat.

The Olympic committee paled. They stuttered and filibustered, but there was no way around it. The Chaos team from South Africa was officially admitted. All the old Olympic rules were tossed, and a brand new sport was birthed: Water Buffalo Chaotic Polo.

Everywhere in the world, the animals cheered. The soldier fleas who’d been the first line of attack went back to their dogs. The Army ants who’d prepared for battle stood down, and the Air Force flying crickets, bees, wasps, and mosquitoes sat down to watch as the water buffalos began practicing.


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