Second Helpings

La La Land Mysteries.

It all started on Saturday when mother announced in a toothless manner she’d lost her glasses. Nothing unusual there; searching for missing items is a regular family activity in La La Land. In fact my dad keeps a special pair of spectacles exclusively to wear when playing hunt the spectacles.

Usually the spectacles turn up in obvious places like the kitchen utensils drawer, the peg bag or inside someone’s slippers, but this time it appears without leaving the house, mother has excelled herself by leaving them somewhere so obscure no one can find them. After two hours I resorted to pulling out her bed while bracing myself for what actually might be residing underneath it.

Behind the bed I discovered a pair of spectacles, unfortunately not the absent pair and two sets of teeth. I know, gross. Is it any wonder I sing The Who’s line, ‘I hope I die before I get old,’ so frequently?

Unbeknown to me at the time, Saturday evening my sister phoned La La Land. Mum answers the phone and announces,

‘Sorry, if I sound funny but I’ve lost my teeth.’

‘Your teeth?’ echoes sis. ‘Where on earth can you leave your teeth?’

‘I don’t know, ‘replies mother.’ We’ve searched everywhere but no one can find them. We’ve even looked on the roof.’

‘So, what are you going to do?’ enquires sis.

‘Well, I’ll have to phone the optician tomorrow and get some new ones made.

‘The optician? Your optician makes teeth? ’ I envisage sis scratching her head by this time.

‘I mean the other place then,’ concludes mother.

There are several flaws in this plan apart from the obvious one. To my knowledge no dentist or optician is open on a Sunday, mother wouldn’t have a clue who her dentist or opticians are and would never be able to explain the situation without causing mass confusion to everyone concerned. But she still likes to think she can rule the world and control the universe from the comfort of her armchair.

Sunday sees another massive search for the missing spectacles and not having spoken to sis myself, am not aware she’s under the impression it’s teeth that are missing. No luck on the glasses front, so I send sis an e-mail reporting the situation.

Sis in the mean time has phoned La La Land again and enquired if the missing teeth have been located. Mother tells her no.

When I finally get to speak to sis she’s highly amused by the whole crazy situation and despite feeling like tearing my hair out I conclude I have to laugh or I’d cry.

So, I’d better go out now. First stop the opticians to make an appointment for new spectacles. Second stop La La Land to check if any teeth are in place or if the missing specs have turned up. If mother is sans teeth third stop will be finding her a dentist. No, I won’t torture my own charming South African one with my mother; I’d prefer to keep in his good books, or at least on his books.

I tell you, there are more mysteries in La La Land than on any library book shelf and there’s a distinct possibility the next one might be a real live murder mystery. No prizes for guessing whodunnit though.