Down the Rabbit Hole

Breathing Again

I'm feeling like I can breathe again for the first time in days. I'm looking forward to coming home to an empty house, to settling down in the peace and quiet and focusing on the small, necessary tasks that I've been putting off for days. There is such a simple joy in reclaiming my space again. The last few days have just felt so oppressive, heavy and expectant. I just want some peace, a few moments strung together when I don't have to make conversations, fulfill anyone's needs or expectations of me...when I can just relax. I have such a hard time just relaxing. Just breathing.
Work has been so busy and so demanding that I've been completely drained by the time I get home. I've been feeling anxious and annoyed. I love my mother-in-law but somehow I've lost patience these last few days. I come home to find my underwear laundered again, the yard raked or the bedroom cleaned or the fireplace stacked with debris. I know she's only doing it to help but some things are too intimate for me. I'm just not comfortable, I did not grow up with a mother like this so I'm having a hard time managing that and it feels too much like an intrusion. I wish I could tell her that it hurts and insults me when she doesn't listen or respect my requests. I wish she'd understand that with everything I have to do, I don't need the added stress of worrying about something happening to her in the yard or on the basement stairs. I wish I could explain that it makes me short-tempered with him because of it and that he and I don't deserve that stress on top of everything else. I wish I could communicate instead of relying on him, it just makes things harder for us. Maybe I have lived alone for too long, or suffered with a distant mother but I don't think I am ready for this level of mothering, not at my age. It causes me great concern because I happen to be marrying her baby...and I'm wondering how I'll manage in the future if we can't seem to find common ground now. She's so warm and so loving, but also stubborn and hard to deal with in ways I'm only just now learning about. I'm wondering if he's not feeling a bit of the same frustration this week as I am? To be honest, my interaction with his entire family lately has been rough and uncomfortable and just feels...oppressive somehow. I keep telling myself its all wedding jitters and when its he and I, everything will be okay. That he and I are the team, and that's the real point of everything in the end. Despite the stresses and the fighting, we are partners and I do want to be everything for him.
I also haven't thought about things I need to to for me. The wedding is so very close, and I've still not prepared mentally. I've not had a chance to enjoy the process, enjoy the experience. I'm missing the excitement and the anticipation factor completely. Its been an incredibly long few days for some reason. I'm feeling achy and exhausted. I'm feeling like he and I need some re-connecting time too...away from the wedding plans, the family...just the two of us. I feel like packing a bag and running off together. Peace, if only for a little while.