Down the Rabbit Hole

Think Positive

Its 11:36 and I’ve just taken my first really deep breath of the day. I’ve progressed from one meeting to another and with each my attitude has deteriorated below acceptable levels. My most recent interactions have been laced with sarcasm and I’m feeling like if I don’t take a break soon I will do exactly that, break.
This morning, after a night plagued by nightmares about a rapidly dwindling savings account in the face of a nearly empty oil tank and approaching final vendor payments for the wedding, I woke with such a stomach ache that it was an effort just to sit up in bed. I’ve finally reached the conclusion that unless something drastic happens; I’m likely not going to be able to hold onto my house much longer. I’m weighing the pros and cons about dipping into my retirement to help pay off the expenses from a wedding that I thought has been very conservative. If we manage to get enough gift money from the wedding to cover the Henna party and our photography expense and can put some of it towards my David’s bridal bill, I’ll be ecstatically happy. I don’t know what I would have done if my parents hadn’t contributed for us like they have. Our wedding is very modest by most standards but the added bite of a cold winter and inflated fuel prices has driven me into the red. I’ll likely need to take on a nighttime job when we get back from the honeymoon, a prospect that already makes me very tired. I’m trying to stay positive though but I’m looking at the economic forecast and thinking, how on earth are we going to start a family?
I rushed off this morning, not wanting to linger unless he really noticed my mood and pressed me for en explanation. I don’t want to impart my worries on him, nor do I need another lecture about being stressed out. I’m doing the best I can; it just doesn’t feel like it’s going to nearly good enough to have the life I had hoped for, for the both of us.
Again, trying to be positive, at least we have a place to live and very soon it will be summer and my oil tank won’t seem nearly as thirsty. And my elusive tax refund check should arrive the first week in April, just in time to help pay the mortgage payment. And because I’m keeping with the positive theme here, his sister texted me today to go to lunch and discuss how she could help with the Henna Night, it was a nice gesture. And last but certainly not least, we will have a nice, not over the top but very nice, wedding surrounded by family and friends in just a very few short weeks.