Down the Rabbit Hole

Bitter Taste

This morning I felt a little like waking from a bad dream, having been saddled with a crushing cold for the last 48 hours. I thought my recent bad mood was simply due to my feeling under the weather but today I'm starting to wonder. I keep getting these little flashes of anger, nothing major just these little flashes of heat in my gut. It feels a little like resentment. I think its important to address it but with my mother-in-laws imminent departure, I'm trying push it aside. Maybe its all part of what a woman goes through to adjust after marriage, it might be totally natural. Afterall I'm wading through major changes since the wedding, my name and my identity have changed and for someone with my level of independance and my experieinces, that's a huge deal for me. Also for the first time ever, my paycheck has gotten smaller to accomodate the new insurance...that's been weird for me. I'm gotten so used to thinking about life in terms of me, that these little changes register enormously to me. That coupled with the financial stresses of rising gas prices, really the cost of living going up on everything, has not helped. There are things I need to say but have held my tongue because I'm not sure the response they will evoke and I don't want to upset his mother before she goes home. Adding to the stress is the fact that we've rarely enjoyed a few moments alone since getting back. We've gone from event to event, and from hosting visitors to visiting family and friends. I can't remember the last time we woke up in the morning and enjoyed coffee together, alone, on the porch. I don't think its happened since we've gotten back from the honeymoon. Maybe this is all normal, a normal period of adjustment and I'm just concerned for no real good reason. I'm really hoping that we can find time to enjoy each other once Mom goes home and the fever of constant family events dies down some. I'm hoping with that, these other feelings, this sense of tension eases inside me.