My Journey With Attachment Disorder

Progress at Home

{size4:}February 29, 2008

Tony and I had a good “therapeutic” snuggle time this morning. Sometimes we just have fun and stuff, but I try to get in some real therapy at least 2 or 3 times a week. This is what I’m learning from the Attachment book I’m reading. This morning I touched his face, and his nose gently, and I guided his chin to give me good eye contact. I smiled and said, “You know, this is how a mother and her baby get to know each other. When babies are little, their mother touches them and looks into their eyes, and smiles a lot. That way, the baby learns that mommies are good people, and that mommies will take good care of them.” With no cues from me, he said, “Amanda didn’t do that when I was little, did she?” I said, “No, I don’t think so. I think maybe that’s why it’s so hard for you to believe that your mommy knows what’s best for you. I want to help you learn to trust me to be a good mommy, and to trust me to know what’s best for you. And, THEN, when you begin to trust me more, and to let me help you learn to make better choices, one day you will be old enough to be in charge of yourself. That’s what parents want for their children. If children trust their parents when they are growing up, then their parents can teach them the important things they need to know, so that when the child grows up, he will be ready to make good decisions.” He nodded, and then I felt him moving away from the cuddle position just a bit. (Just like the book says, I am learning to read him, while he is learning to read me, just the way mothers and babies learn to read each other’s body language.) I asked him if our talk was making him feel uncomfortable. He shook his head, ‘no’, but I went on to say, “It’s okay to tell me when you feel uncomfortable. One of the things Coach wants you to work on this week is paying attention to your feelings, and learning to put your feelings into words.” He lay there quietly, without responding, so I said, “Would you like to have a little fun time now?” He nodded yes, smiled a big smile and moved closer to me again. We had some tickle and laughing time. I felt like it was time well spent. I learned a little more about reading his body language, and he learned a little more about trust.

This is a fascinating journey. Now that I understand the reasons behind the problems we’ve had with Tony, it all makes so much sense. And, I know we are on the right track, because I can see results already! On one hand, I feel bad that we didn’t have this information a lot sooner, so that we could all have been spared a lot of turmoil. On the other hand, I realize that we have done SOME things right with Tony, or he would not be so accessible to the cuddle time, and so open to the therapy (in-office). Somewhere, amidst all the mistakes we made trying to force him to accept our authority over him, we managed to convey our love and commitment to him. And, because I now know that most of these RAD kids either never get adopted, or they end up with “disrupted adoptions”, I can feel proud that we have at least been able to give Tony stability, and a foundation upon which we can now build a relationship of love and trust.


Warrior Mom

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