Down the Rabbit Hole

Slippage Approaching 3am

I tried to be honest from the beginning about who I was, where I came from. And for the most part I've tried to work on not letting that effect where I am going and who I am with. The truth is most of the time, I suck at it. Sometimes I'm disappointed to learn that I am little more than a collection of old scars and anxieties and that I carry all the old shit on my back and drag the bodies of my villains around behind me. I wanted my new life to be about promise and hope and instead it feels like something I am trying on, trying out, failing at. I'm so sick at failing. It feels too hard sometimes, like there is this mountanous amount of crap that I have to learn to be better at...I have to be more open, be less defensive, not think the worst of people. I have to not say stupid things or listen better. I have to get rid of the assholes in my life, even the dead ones. This black chasm widens with each angry word. I'm not angry though, it frustration. Things roll along okay, good even and then a phone call out of the blue, shoots it all to hell. It doesn't matter that I didnt intiate or invite the call, its a tendril of poison from the past and it causes upheaval of an already delicate balance between us. I didn't want this to end like this. Everything has just gone dark and I think back to the days when being alone seemed so much simplier. I didn't inflect my shit on people then.