Down the Rabbit Hole

Of Life

I would like to believe that all the decisions I made were the right ones in my life, but clearly they weren't. It seems sometimes that everyone else is moving forward and I keep ossilating in place. I supposed that is an improvement from the feeling of sliding backwards that I suffered from a few years ago though. Still, it pains me to know that I can't provide the life I would like for us despite how much and how hard we both work.
I'm questioning myself at every turn, wanting to give in the faith but feeling the anxious tugs of doubt when I ask myself the hardest of questions. I remember not too long ago, I went to my father. It was about six months into my engagement and things were not going well. I remember telling him that I had made so many mistakes and getting the impression that he had no idea what I was talking about. I've really kept my family in the dark about so much over the years. I don't know why. I just have always tried to take care of everything myself, often times at great emotional cost to me.
At any rate, I'm feeling very out of sorts and distanced. I'm trying to find some footing and some comfort in knowing, for the first time in a while, where I stand. Its not as bad as I feared but its not as good as I hoped. I think if he and I can keep clear heads and work on things together that we will be okay. I have to believe we can get what we want, it just might take a little more time and a little more effort than we originally thought it would. I need to stop looking around at others and wonder how they have what they do, and put my energy into doing what I need to do for my own life.