Down the Rabbit Hole

Not Enough Hours

In these minutes I needed to take a moment and reconnect with my much neglected journal. It's 5:15 and I have fifteen minutes to wait to see if the FAA makes my life easier or harder for tomorrow.
I feel like I've been running on empty since the weekend and taking on the particularily difficult export closing this week has served to further deplete my reserves. Today has been one of challenges and conflicts. I've engaged myself in at least three confrontations with coworkers and been a whipping boy for an angry and frustrated European and his furious German companions, one of which has a cold, predatory smile that makes my skin crawl. I don't think I'll ever be happier than to see this plane take off into the great blue expanse. What's worse is I'm dreading the inevitable argument that will claim me later when I fail to muster the energy and enthusiam tonight at home..hear how all I have are excuses when I blame the long day for my lack of affection and attention.
This is always the way is has been for me...the harder I have to work, the harder it is for me on all fronts. It was always easier to be single on the days when the job has beaten me into the ground. I would just drag myself home and find a quiet corner to detact, to decompress without having to be anything to anyone. I hate making excuses myself but the truth is the truth sometimes, regardless of how unsatisfying it sounds. I just wish I would get more credit, that he would see the way things have been lately and try to not comment on how I neglected to say goodnight or rushed out of the house in the morning without a kiss. I'm doing the best I can. It's all hard enought without feeling as if I'm disappointing him along with the rest of the world.