Second Helpings

Men...Bah

In keeping with the theme of the day started by David McClain and continued by Nada I'd like to add a few comments about this whole gender thing.

Anyone who has ever owned a dog knows how faithful they are and how they trail around after you wherever you go. In a canine it's cute, in a human it's just plain annoying.

Okay, we get married or find a partner and expect to spend a great deal of time with them, but is it absolutely essential to be joined at the hip? After twenty-eight years of married hell bliss you'd think some space and time away from each other would be a welcome break. Not so in my case.

Take today. I never, ever get up before my hubby as he is essentially a morning person and I am not. The difference is I know I'm at my best late at night; he pretends to be but generally spends half the night asleep in front of the TV and refuses to go to bed before me.

So, I rise late this morning in my usual grumpy state and am greeted by the hiss of the steam iron right behind the computer where I hope to gradually join the human race. Okay, dogs and rosebushes don't do the laundry or iron, but I hardly need my summer clothes freshly laundered and pressed right now and would prefer it if he went golfing instead, But ironing is one of his favourite domestic pastimes, along with hoovering and washing pots.

Dogs and rosebushes don't send you an e-mail every day, but my hubby does, so my first task of the day is to type a reply. Why does someone who sees me every day and night need to send an e-mail as well?

After a while I decide to escape and go upstairs to work on the Blogville News. Within five minutes he too decides he needs to be up there clattering and banging around in the loft for reasons unknown. Dogs and rosebushes don't have model railways in the attic which suddenly demand attention just as I sit down to do some serious editing. Peace shattered.

I come downstairs to get some lunch, but it seems his stomach is attached to mine too, so we spend the next ten minutes sharing floor and kitchen surface space while preparing sandwiches. He eats his in front of the TV while I sit cursing in the kitchen about having to tolerate football over my lunch.

Later I decide to go upstairs again for my Wii session, Five minutes into it, up he comes and starts watching some programme on demand on the computer in the spare bedroom. I ask why he can't watch it downstairs on his laptop and receive the reply it would disturb me when I go down to use the computer. How considerate.

So, my Wii session completed (still a couch potato) I return to the lower level and guess what? So does he. There follows a couple of hours of football which annoys me far more than any on demand programme would, but I say nothing as all I want is a peaceful life. I know I'd be far more likely to get that with a dog or a rosebush but I didn't realise it at the time of making those lifelong vows.

Now it's past midnight and I'm wide awake, yet aware I'll feel like s*** tomorrow. He's fast asleep in front of his precious TV but God forbid his head hits the pillow before mine. I'll creep off now, but can guarantee the minute I arrive on the top step he'll wake up and be right behind me, then spend ages making bathroom noises.

There used to be an advert on our television which used the line 'We want to be together.' I can cope with so much togetherness but since retiring I feel constantly smothercated by the constant presence of my other half. 'I vant to be alone' is my frequent catchphrase.

Dogs would be curled up in their baskets by now. Rosebushes would have their petals furled awaiting a new day. I just ponder why it is the man in my life seems to think I can't exist without his constant company. I'll never have the chance to find out if that's true as I'm never allowed time alone to contemplate it. I swear I'll spend my next life with a dog or a rosebush or maybe even both.