Memoirs of an Insane Freshman Girl

Chapter 13: Spring and Missing Him

Chapter 13: Spring and Missing Him

        With the seemingly horrible Valentine’s Day completed, spring began.  Of course, the actual season of spring didn’t begin until March, but it introduced an entire new era of my life.  This era was known as the era of having a boyfriend.  Looking back, I miss those days no matter how much I want to forget the particular boyfriend that brought me so much pain yet so much pleasure.  While having a boyfriend takes a lot of work and commitment that I usually wouldn’t voluntarily inflict upon myself, it did make me really happy to be with Chris.  No matter how much pain Chris put me through once we broke up, it was worth every second.  As philosophers often say, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.  Forgetting the terrible month of November and the months following our break-up, those five months were by far, amazing.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and change things, but I realize that there nothing I could do that would have changed the outcome of our relationship.  It was out of my control and was in no way a fault of mine or his as it wasn’t even a result of an argument between us.

         Before I describe more in depth our break-up, I’ll focus on the bliss of Chris and me as a couple.  As previously noted, I don’t particularly like or enjoy relationships because of the great demands and expectations required.  Sometimes the memories of holding hands to gym class and walking together in the snow seem like a part of the distant past and other times, it feels like it was yesterday.  I miss having someone to tell my innermost feelings to, whispered sexily into my phone cuddled under my fuzzy Tinkerbell blanket at two in the morning.  My life now lacks the security of holding him close, his fingers lingering in the back pocket of my jeans.  His sexy stare penetrating across the room is forever imbedded in my mind.  The mention of his name whether the person was actually talking about him or another Chris sent shivers down my spine as I waited in anticipation until the next time I would see him.  Those dreadful hours of the day that we were separated seemed to last forever, and weekends apart seemed interminable.  The way he made me smile and laugh when I was near tears looms ever closely in the corners of my mind.  The ferocity with which he protected me, the touch of his large, boyish hands, the gentle warmth of his body will always travel with me, never interfering but always present constantly reminding me of the unwavering happiness I once possessed. 

         Another saying is that absence makes the heart grow fonder.  In all reality, this statement rings true in my life.  Even now more than ever, once we were finally a couple, I missed him so much when we were apart that it almost physically hurt.  Only the reassurance of my constant contact with him via cell phone allowed me to breathe easily and go on with my life instead of dwelling over his absence so much that it altered my life plan and distracted me to the point of not getting anything accomplished.  In fact, Chris was a great and welcome distraction to my life as a whole.  The many hours and nevertheless days I spent worrying over him and then eventually missing him number far more than I’d like to admit.  His very existence took up so much of my time and thoughts that it’s hard to believe I even accomplished anything or did anything else with my life.  Badly and futilely, I tried to manage and organize my time; so, I had enough “Chris” time along with homework time, family time, cross country or soccer time, and reading for pleasure or “me” time.