Can we talk?

You don't want to read this entry.

I've been away four months and I have missed writing here. There's something about knowing that other people are looking at what you write that strengthens the will to write. They don't have to like it, just read it. Knowing that other writers of varied levels will read it is even better. There's a connection that makes you trust the reader to be gentle and forgiving.

Stop! You don't want to read the rest of this. Have a good new year.

(If you're still reading, I apologize. I got caught up in some self-pity. I didn't even write the bad stuff.)

I've been unemployed, and broke, and not well, and busy. It's amazing that you still can feel so busy and stressed when you're not working. I've been helping an elderly,  person shop and go to the doctors and understand her bills, helping my ex-husband with medical care and his depression, moving to another town, job-hunting, sinking in debt, preparing for holidays with my all-adult family, teaching Sunday Bible School to adults, and trying to see my own doctors while I've already paid my out-of-pocket maximum.

Now there's a new year and the insurance starts over and I'm still unemployed. I'm living with my 80 year old dad who has to keep working to support me and pay for my prescriptions. And the president-elect says it's going to get a lot worse before it gets better.  My doctors say I'm not disabled and should keep working. Yet yesterday I paid for a $9 medicine with 3 fives and 2 ones. They looked like 1 five and four ones to me, until the cashier fanned them out and showed me. I have field cuts in my vision since a stroke and it does funny things to what I see. My eyes are fine, but there is scar tissue on the part of the brain that controls the vision, so my signals get crossed. I'm convinced that doctors don't listen and they have no idea what a patient is going through.

Employers, however, have zero tolerance for errors and get ticked off when you don't see a customer or fellow employee approach your desk or counter. Doctors have no idea what it's like to work in the regular world. And missing frequent time from work for lab work, doctor's visits, and  unplanned hospital stays also displease an employer. And they don't like repeating themselves several times for employees. Losing your abilities hurts your ego, too. I've always been a good employee who strived to do a good job. Now no matter how hard I try, I can't perform satisfactorily. I've been scolded and humiliated by people who knew less than I did or who had less education. The bosses could tell themselves they were doing a good job by being tough with someone. My  pride took a nose dive.

I've questioned myself and my own motives. Was I so hurt because I felt smarter than the people around me? Trust me, I don't feel that way all the time. I have a decent IQ and a degree, but I am actually intimidated by intellectual types or really smart people. Did I allow them in their narrow view to rob me of my own spirit? I know the last job wasn't really the right one for me, but what job is? How do you find a tailor-made job that fits your skills and your limitations? I feel miserable but I have to keep fighting it. I tell myself that my mission in life is to encourage people so I have to give myself a little pep talk all day long.