Down the Rabbit Hole

Damage

It is after 4pm here and the overhead drone of the flight school plane pulling circles around the pattern is driving my sour mood ever deeper. While I am happy to be busy after so many months of being static, it has been a draining and frustrating few weeks. It seems that most of the coworkers and people I rely on have just elected to stop thinking. My brain is already taxed and not operating at a full charge in my last month of pregnancy has been difficult enough without having to catch everyone's mistakes on top of not making any of my own. I have barely left my desk for more than 15 min at a time for the last 6 weeks. My daily responsibilities have been plagued and my progress thwarted by a seemingly endless barrage of stupid technical problems and petty disturbances on every level. I hate conversations that start out, "Are you busy?" I so badly want to say, "It is 2pm during the busiest closing month of the year. I have six closings and two fundings on my desk that all have to happen before the 31st, the FAA is closing early today for some ungodly reason, my email hasn't worked for two hours, my phone is ringing off the hook and my computer won't talk to my printer...what do you think? Of course I am fucking busy!" But do I? No. What I say instead is, "What do you need?" and the stomach acid broils back up into my throat. I'm sitting here now, knowing that tonight will be a different kind of challenge. My schedule today did not afford me the time I should have taken to make up with my husband after a yelling match in the morning cold. Instead, we have had a few frosty exchanges and made no progress with understanding where we are each at now. I'm four weeks out from going into labor and the words he said this morning have been battering around inside my head along with all the countless other things I'm trying to sort out, personal and work-related. Maybe he's right. Maybe this baby thing was all my idea...maybe he isn't happy and the damage has already been done. I've really tried to make an effort to not be difficult but I'm so mentally exhausted, sometimes the best I can do is be a selfish bitch. I don't know anymore. Sometimes I just wonder what I am doing, is this was all really necessary. Tonight I will at least make time to get a haircut I've been putting off for a month. At least one part of my outside appearance might be improved slightly.