Second Helpings

I'm Tired

I can't remember the last time I fell asleep feeling relaxed, had a dreamless night or woke up feeling refreshed. Insomnia, nightmares and morning apathy have become a way of life I can't seem to do much about. I know worry solves nothing and am aware everyone goes through bad phases, but I honestly feel exhausted with the longevity of anxieties I've endured. I don't feel sorry for myself but am just so damned tired of everything.

I'm tired of caring. I'm tired of coping single-handed with the problems of old age. I'm tired of never having a day without responsibility. Even if I get away from it all for the odd day, it's still all there in my head. I'm tired of dealing with the troubles of family members and trying to slap on a smile when I really want to scream. I'm tired of bad news, fighting in the face of adversity and failing to live up to expectations. I'm tired of my life and I'm tired of my own attitude.

I'm tired of hospitals. Since I started this blog almost five years ago I've had a parent in hospital seventeen times. There were many times before that, including the three years my husband was in and out of them after horrendous problems from a hip replacement. I used to be able to cope with it, but now I feel literally sick every time I go in through the hospital doors. I suspect I may end up as a patient in one myself before too long.

Dad has good and bad days, but seems very tired of it all too. Sometimes he'll perk up and the nurses joke with him. He's not a demanding patient, quiet and polite and nurses always take to him. In fact one said she wanted to marry him the other day. I told her I wished she would and that would ease my situation. They have him sussed. They commented on his poor hearing, but are aware he'd hear if someone announced there was a ten pound note on the floor. They realise he'd be far more willing to take in fluid if it contained alcohol.

But pleasantries and light-hearted jokes won't solve any problems. No one is more aware than I that a broken hip in someone his age is a serious problem and often the start of other major conditions. The operation has been deemed a success, but he's still not walking and other minor symptons need treating before any decisions can be made. No one mentions where we're going from here and his future care plays on my mind only I suspect. I do not want to place him in a care home against his will, but neither can I cope with the nightmare of continuous falls at home. Catch 22.

One day at a time I know. But they all seem the same lately and as I said, I'm just so damned tired of it all. I imagine you're damned tired of my whining as well, but it's all I have right now. Don't worry, I'm aware there are others worse off, this too shall pass, I have things to be grateful for, no one ever said life was easy and all the other platitudes. Sometimes words are all we have to offer, but right now even words aren't wanting to be spoken or written.

I guess my insistence I'm not normally one to complain has finally bitten the dust. I better go search in the bottom of the wardrobe and see if I can find my happy head if it's not rotted away from lack of use.