Second Helpings

Feelings

Are we all the same when it comes to being truthful about how we really feel? When people in the street ask us how we are, do we all respond with 'I'm fine', 'Not too bad,' 'Okay thanks,' or similar?

Why do we try so hard to make out life is hunkydory when it's not? Why do we find it so difficult to express emotion and feel it essential to keep being positive for fear of upsetting other people? Why is it our physical complaints are so easy to discuss but our feelings are considered a taboo subject?

One of my all time favourite films is a British classic entitled Shirley Valentine. I've related to the protagonist for over twenty years now. At one point in the film she asks...

'Why do we get all these feelings and dreams and hopes if we don't ever use them?' I've felt that way ever since I first saw the film, but unlike Shirley, I don't think I have the time left to ever get in touch with all these feelings.

Feelings. I try to go through my days on auto pilot. I could cope with going through the motions if it wasn't for feelings. Why can't we switch them off and just do what we have to do each day without them? Where do they come from? Why can't we control them? Why do they threaten to swallow us up when all we're trying to do is just get by?

Feelings overwhelm me right now. Fear, sadness, guilt, remorse, regret, melancholia, despair, morose, gloomy. maudlin and a multitude of other negative adjectives. I don't want them, but they won't go away.

My Dad is still in hospital and we have no idea where it's all heading. With a stinking cold I dare not visit for fear of passing on infection. That makes me feel guilty, but as I've said before, guilt should be my middle name. I'd just like to wake up one morning with no cares, no worries, no dark feelings and some enthusiasm for life.

I don't like my feelings. I don't know how to handle them. I'm not too well, so decide to give in, slob and watch long overdue films. They're either sad and make me cry, or are sappy and make me want to live life differently, which also makes me cry. They provide some distraction, but those damned feelings are still there.

I guess it's really hard to actually describe how we're feeling with mere words. I hate being a misery, but I can't pretend right now. I want to feel the positive vibes life can offer, but they just keep on avoiding me. I'm feeling tired for sure and I'm sure you're tired of my whining.

I shall endeavour to come to terms with my feelings somehow and cast off the dark mood, even if it's just a mission to compare the price of carrots. In the meantime, thanks to all of you who understand and offer support.