Second Helpings

My Family and Other Animals

I believe the extended family is diminishing on the whole and this has good and bad repercussions. With the advances in contraception, couples choosing not to have children and far more choices as regards location, families tend to be a lot smaller and scattered.

My mother was one of four and my father one of five. You'd think this would mean I have plenty of relatives to help me out, but alas geography and circumstances make this far from the truth. My father being American meant that half of my family were inaccessible as soon as my parents settled in England.

We spent many happy times with Mum's brothers and sisters and their families during our childhood. Once grown up and with families of our own contact grew less and with Mum being the youngest of her family by a decade, it was natural that she would outlive the rest. With no aunts and uncles remaining, this left us with five cousins scattered across the U.K. who we rarely have any contact with.

My sister lives fifty miles away and doesn't drive. She has a son and a daughter who also live a fair distance from here. Neither are married or have any children. My husband has one brother who is also unmarried, childless and is not the slightest bit family orientated.

My son bemoans the fact we have become a very small family. I understand his point and often feel guilty I only had the one child. But then we all know about hindsight. When he was growing up, my husband's daughter from his first marriage lived with us, so we did in effect have two children here who were quite close at the time.

Louise, my stepdaughter, married, moved about twenty-five miles away and is now the mother of twin boys, aged seven. She has six other half-siblings on her mother's side who now all have familes of their own. Unlike my family, hers continues to grow and takes up a lot of her time. For various reasons things have been a little strained between her and my son since he married. I know that hurts him and me, but I also try to see the bigger picture and both sides of the story.

As many of you know, the circumstances and events leading up to my own son's wedding were the most unusual and bizarre anyone could imagine, but that is history now and we try to live in the present. I could say to him the fact he married a girl from Cambodia deprived him of the opportunity of extending family links here, but I don't. None of us think very far ahead when we make relationship choices.

Paul lives about twenty-five miles from here and has a very responsible job. He's a criminologist and works all hours with some very difficult and dangerous characters. His wife is disabled and he has more than the average fatherly duties to handle, as well as helping Mey Ling with tasks she cannot perform, due to her disabilities. He frequently looks very tired and I know he's determined to prove he can cope with all he's taken on, despite the fact he probably can't. It is not what I wanted for my only son, but it is what it is now and I try to accept, help out where I can and allow him to get on with his life by treating him as an adult.

My father is not the most sociable, generous or caring person on the planet. He's not a bad man, but has gradually slipped into life in his own personal bubble, particularly since we lost Mum. He doesn't ask about his children, grandchildren or great-grandchild or express any desire to see them. Sad I know, but it has been his choice and I cannot blame any of them for not feeling the need to bend over backwards for him now he's losing his independance. So, that leaves me to do the caring, although I will add that much as I complain about my hubby, he's a brick when it comes to helping out with family.

It is not the way I want it to be or the way society should allow it to be, but it just is. No amount of complaining, cries for help or petitioning the powers that be will change anything. I know my small family could all probably give a little more if they tried, but who would want the burden of coping with the future of a very frail, old man on their hands? Neither would I if I had a choice.

So, there we have it. It has made me very aware we should all put plans into place for our later years, in order not to be a burden. I'm in the process of trying to do that now when time permits. Even if I had ten children, I wouldn't want one of them to have to carry the load I have endured for more years than I can remember. But then with my habits and stress I doubt I'll be around. Cheerful sod aren't I?

For the young I offer this advice, Breed like rabbits to ensure you have a large supportive network to help you with baby-sitting and parent care. Or emigrate before it's too late.