Can we talk?

Grieving

  No one in my circle wants to hear me say it. Nonetheless, I am still grieving the death of my ex-husband. We were divorced for several years. We lived in different towns. Yet we remained in touch, and shared every thing. I can't used to not having him in my life.
 
  At times, I think of him, and it seems okay, and I go on. Other times, I think of him, and I start bawling and can't stop. He's been gone 6 months. It seems so unfair. He was a few years younger than me, and I was the one with severe health problems. He was supposed to outlive me! Nothing worked out for him or for us as a couple. He struggled so much emotionally and financially. With better days seemingly around the corner, his life ended. I've lost my best friend, my biggest heartache, my greatest headache, my confidant, my comforter.

    I will never care about anyone else again the way I did him. I couldn't. It took too much out of me. I couldn't be that strong for anyone else ever again. I couldn't ever let anyone else get that close to me or know me that well. Once in a lifetime is all I can handle. Any other relationship would be shallow at best. It wouldn't take much for me to call it quits, no matter how good he was. No, I've had my one and only.

    It was never a great love. It was usually one-sided, or uneven. I doubt it was any more fulfilling for him than it was for me. For better or worse, he's gone, and I feel very alone. He was never great company, but I still feel so alone. I'm not deifying him in death. I'm fully aware of the problems that tormented him, and thereby, tormented me. I am aware of the wreck my life became while married to someone so unstable. But I always held onto that hope that his good side aroused. The part of him that was tender and caring and generous made me want to believe that he was going to control his insecurities and family issues and addiction. I don't need to hash all that out again. I lived through it enough, enough to leave him, at least legally and physically.

    Death is still a harsh reality. I've been angry at God, angry at my ex for living the way he did, angry at his family for caring so little and for hurting him so much all his life. I've felt guilty, absolved, then guilty again. I've wondered many what-if's, and if only's. I've had nightmares, bad dreams, and lay awake crying all night. God knows what I would have done, if he had died while we were still married. We've had this emotional and physical distance, and I've still had trouble coping. But time marches on. I know that I will continue to get accustomed to the idea. I don't think I can "resolve" it. How does anyone "resolve" the death of a loved one? I lost my mother 3 years ago and I still miss her. I lost my ex-husband six months ago, and I still miss him. They were my two best friends. Now I have none.