Who Do I Think I Am??

This one's about Bert.

THE PROMPT: “Write about yourself as you would a fictional character, in the third person. Try to view yourself as objectively as possible, detailing your appearance, mannerisms, perceptions and attitudes etc or just whatever comes to mind and only what you are comfortable sharing.”

This is cool, cuz I've had this conversation with many people over the years about how awesome it would be to have action figures of ourselves, complete with a push-button that makes it say all of our personal catch-phrases, and has personal-effect props. But I'm actually gonna try to play to the prompt this time.

Bert walks in to the room and nods his head at a few people he recognizes. His cargo shorts don't quite fit him right; his gut seems to overtake his legs. Without much more of a hello, he heads to where the beer lives and makes himself at home seemingly, by grabbing the tastiest Sam Adams from the fridge. Damn his shoes look old and beat....but I guess that's what you get when you've walked his miles in those kicks.

Now he's settled...dude never quite seems right in his skin. "Oh, this is your party?" he asks me, because it's usually all about him. He asks me if he can do anything to help, but I don't need him. I'm here to celebrate, and I didn't ask Bert to come to work. Shorty's invited because a party isn't a party unless Bert is playin' Bert.

See those people laughin'? When there's a crowd, there's Bert with a joke or two. He can break it down! Last year's trends? No matter. Effed up hair? Who cares...the dude can spit a good game.

I didn't even know he knew the guys in the band that are playin'. But look at him on stage with all of that swagger! Like he's been there before, and he probably has.

I know I saw him, but where'd he go? I swear I saw him right here like, two minutes ago. What? He left? And what happened to the pizza and the beer?

That's the best I could do. I don't like talking about myself, let alone the fact that sadly, I'll never have an action figure made in my likeness that says the random things I say.

MUSICAL BREAK:

Since I don't have an action figure in my likeness to spit out randomness like "Word!" and "Uhh, just sayin'" and "DROP THE BANHAMMER!", you'll have this video. Cuz Legos are awesome and so is stripped-down, straight-up rock with fantastic lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q27BfBkRHbs

You might like this cuz I did...three years on Wednesday, Pretty Lady.

VITAL STATS:

Not even sure if I want to stay up for the second Monday Night Football game...I've got two players still left but I'm down like 90 points in my Fantasy League. Special, and I mean "special" with finger quotes, thanks to the millionaires on my FF team who forgot to show up on an otherwise glorious day.

If I ever get the opportunity to have an action figure made out of me, can I not blow it like the MLB did, so I can wear a hat that says FDNY?

http://blog.seattlepi.com/seattlesports/2011/09/12/mlb-prevents-mets-from-honori...

I've seen several articles about this, and I find it ridiculous. Who the hell does Joe Torre think he is? I don't care what his role is...just get it, old guy. Understand what it means. Traditions of the game will withstand a one-day tribute to a national tragedy that you yourself took part in days after. What a hypocrite. Ugh.

My action figure will hate cats. And spit real saliva. And when pressed, will likely say the wrong thing at the worst time. And it'll be too intoxicated to appreciate or enjoy the fun it's having. But it'll come with a slice of pizza or a burrito, for sure.

Gonna put an end to this madness now...my thoughts are cramping and I should get some rest. We'll do it again tomorrow though, right? GOODNIGHT NOW!!