Second Helpings

An Era Ends

Please allow me one long, last whine then I promise to return to my jolly old self. I will make it my next mission to search around and find something comical or positive to write about.

Amongst all the chaos with Dad and his falls, poorly hubby and son’s marital problems I had another nasty experience I never imagined could happen. It’s best forgotten, but my mind isn’t very good at dismissing hurts and I feel it needs recording in here for posterity. This has been a record of my tumultuous life for the last six years and I think it essential to document events, both good and bad.

Long time readers may remember the many references I have made to a friend I called Big Pam. I met Pam at ante natal classes thirty years ago and we’ve always kept in touch and gone out together quite a lot. We have little in common and are very different in values, characteristics and interests, yet we always got on well.

I have always been aware Pam has a volatile nature and have frequently commented to other people I’d hate to be on the wrong side of her. She hasn’t spoken to her brother in twenty years, hates her neighbours, frequently rows with her husband and children and has distanced herself from many friends and acquaintances. On her own admission she’s often said it’s a good job she cannot own a gun as she’s sure she’d shoot someone. I never doubted that statement, but thankfully have never been on the receiving end of any outbursts.

For many years Pam and I went swimming and for lunch together on Wednesdays. A few years ago Pam fell out with swimming, so we decided on shopping trips instead. Later Pam decided she hadn’t the stamina to go every week and despite having a very healthy bank balance was worried about overspending. On the weeks she didn’t join me I started going out with my friend Joy instead. Like me, Joy has had family commitments for many years and Wednesday was a day that suited us best. I have known Joy for almost forty years.

Pam knew Joy through our birthday bashes and other outings and somewhere down the line, although no one remembers how it started, Joy began joining Pam and I on our shopping trips. There didn’t seem any problems to start with, though I’m the first to admit I don’t think three a good number, but as it didn’t happen every week I didn’t consider there’d be any major difficulties.

However, last year Pam decided she didn’t like Joy’s company and confided in me she’d prefer us to go shopping alone. That put me in an awkward position as Joy was unaware of Pam’s feelings and I found myself piggy in the middle of a situation I didn’t like or need. Pam’s opinion was that Wednesday was originally our day and I should put Joy off and see her on a different day. As I pointed out to her I have neither the time nor income to afford two full days out a week. From then onwards it’s been tricky and I’ve found myself making excuses to one or the other of them in order to avoid clashes, but have seen them both on a regular basis. A situation I admit I felt very uncomfortable about.

Pam and Joy have been involved in various activities together since then and there’s been little or no animosity, but every time Pam would revert to her negative view of Joy and refuse to join us on a regular basis. I could see both sides as usual, but as the problem was not created by me I didn’t feel I wanted to be forced into a position of choosing or having to constantly find reasons not to see one or the other of them.

A few weeks ago I had a nasty fall, resulting in bumps, bruises and an injured collar bone. ( I hope I’m not turning into my Dad) I’d spoken to Pam on the phone several times afterwards and told her I hadn’t been going out much. I did not say I wasn’t prepared to go out on the Wednesday of that week and neither did she mention it. I did tell her Joy too was unsure about her arrangements as there’d been a death in the family and she’d had to look after her grandchildren.

However, late on the Tuesday evening Joy phoned to say she hadn’t to look after the children on Wednesday so did I want to go out? I was ready for a break and saw no reason to invite Pam as it was late and I knew she’d refuse to join us anyway. The following morning as Joy and I waited for the local train, who should come down the steps but Pam and her daughter. I knew exactly what she’d be thinking, but hoped she’d understand the situation once explained.

The first thing she said to me was ‘Where are your bumps then?’ Not spoken out of concern, but her way of assuming I’d been lying to her just to make excuses to go out with Joy. After showing her the bumps and bruises on my forehead I explained about Joy’s late invitation and hoped against hope she’d believe me seeing as she’d been proved wrong on her first presumption. She told me where she and her daughter were going and then they both moved further down the platform.

When the train arrived they disappeared into a different carriage, but I felt it best to join them and try to keep a light atmosphere. I could sense Pam was annoyed, but we made conversation about this and that during the journey. When the train arrived in Nottingham Pam and her daughter left the train, almost ran along the platform and out of the station without a word or backward glance. I think I realised then just how annoyed she was.

I resolved to give her a week to calm down then planned on giving her a call to sort things out. Mature people who’ve been friends for decades surely don’t fall out seriously over something so trivial. I was about to find out differently.

Neither Joy nor Pam are technological creatures, but Pam had received a laptop last Christmas. None of her family had time or inclination to help her with it so it had been left untouched until a few weeks ago. That was when she brought it over to our house and I’d spent a few hours talking her through basics and setting her up with an account on Facebook. She’d really taken to the site, finding relatives and friends abroad and frequently popping up for a chat on there. I think you know what’s coming next.

After a few days of silence I thought maybe if she was online I could break the ice a little by chatting that way. I was horrified to discover she’d wiped me and my family from her friends list. Very upset, yet astounded someone of her age could behave like a moody teenager, I knew then there’d be no reconciliation. Hers was a vicious, spiteful act I’d find it hard to forgive and even if I begged for her friendship to return it could never be the same.

So, here endeth one of the precious friendships I have always claimed helped me cope with daily life. Not the most selfless or generous of friends admittedly, but one I never believed could be so unreasonable. When I tell people the story, their first reaction is ‘How childish.’ On that front I totally agree. The second thing they say is ‘Well, her loss will be greater than yours.’ I tend to agree on that one too. I have a very sincere and close bunch of friends whereas Pam relied on me very heavily for support and hasn’t that closeness with anyone else. The third statement of ‘She’ll get over it and be back,’ I do not agree with. As stated previously I know how capricious Pam can be and once thwarted the resentment will probably last for life.

I will miss her of course and our outings and birthday celebrations will never be the same. I won’t miss her constant one-sided phone calls offloading her concerns about people I’ve never met, her obsession with money or her inability to show any flexibility in her behaviour or ideas. It will simplify my Wednesdays and I’ll not have to be making excuses or playing piggy in the middle any longer. But it still saddens me a great deal and is proof we never really know people and what they are capable of.

I’ve only ever had one bust up with a friend in my adult life, but that was with someone I didn’t see very often or felt that close to. Strangely enough that came about as a result of computer activity too and inadvertently did me a lot of favours in the end. Ten years later I’m wondering if this break up will do the same and out of such a negative action some good will eventually arise.

I’m a big fan of the Reason, Season, Lifetime philosophy. I wrongly assumed Pam would be a lifetime person for me, but now conclude she was a season, albeit a very long one and I must accept the passing just as we have to with nature’s seasons. I also conclude my maternal grandfathers’s observation ‘There’s nowt so queer as folk,’ most fitting and hope in time Pam will see and learn from what I consider to be her extremist reaction to something so trivial. Sad days indeed, but I promise to attempt a more upbeat entry next time. Don’t hold your breath however.