Boy in the Shadows

Chapter Eight

“Do you know where your love is?


Do you think that you lost it?


You felt it so strong but nothing's


turned out how you wanted.”





- Say (all I need), ONE REPUBLIC

I don't love you, Adam...and I never will.


         Sam's words paralyzed Adam. He heard his footsteps down the hall, walking away, leaving him. His heart screamed at him to go after Sam, stop him. But his mind was whispering 'what if it's true...what if Sam doesn't love you?'


         And it was that 'What If' that held Adam in place. Sam was right, he couldn't make him stay. He couldn't make the kid want to be with him.


         Adam's heart thumped so hard it felt like a sledgehammer smashing through his chest cavity. He couldn't breathe. Sam was going. Leaving for good. He wouldn't be coming back.


         The front door closed loud, and the sound was a hard slap across Adam's face. He gasped then choked on a fierce sob. “Sam.” He cried softly, shaking. He rushed from the bedroom and down the hall. He couldn't just let him leave. He couldn't. Sam belonged here, with him. How could the kid not know that? Why would he run from it?


         Tears streaked Adam's face and sobs rolled up his throat, exploding out of him as he ran for the front door. His hand closed around the door handle – and he froze, his entire body refusing to move. He stood before the door, shaking, clutching the door handle, gripping it so hard his forearm began to ache. His chest heaved and his breath burst out of him in short, fierce gasps.


         “Sam...” He choked out softly, weakly. But he couldn't open the door, couldn't race after him to bring him back. Some part of him knew he had to let him go, had to let Sam make this choice for himself. And that part of him refused to let him step out that door.


         Adam broke. He pressed his body against the door and smacked it hard with his clenched fists, a strangle cry ripping out of him. “Sam!” His heart crushed in on itself. “FUCK!!” He punched the door then dropped to his knees, his head pressed hard against the door as he shook beneath his sobs. Another wail erupted from him and he punched the door again, then slowly turned around and shoved his back to the door and buried his head in his hands, clutching fistfuls of his hair.


         “Oh God, Sam...”











Keep walking. Don't look back. Just keep moving.


         Sam chanted to himself, the gravel drive crunching beneath his shoes. Though his legs moved quick, they felt weak and shaky. His pulse raced so fiercely he could barely breathe. Every impulse within him urged him to turn around, go back to Adam. Run back to him, beg him to take him into his heart, his life and never let him go. But Sam's feet kept walking forward, taking him further and further away from the first place that had truly felt like home in such a long time. From the one man he most wanted to be with.


         The pack felt heavy though it had the same stuff in it that had always been there. Yet now it dragged down on his shoulder, pulling at his neck muscles, causing an ache to spread across his traps. He shifted the pack, shouldering it higher. But the weight of his burden remained.


         The heaviness of the back pack made it even harder to breathe. He tried to swallow the sobs crawling up his throat, choking him, but there were too many. They began to burst from him in hard choking gasps. The drive swam before him as his eyes filled with hot tears and flowed over, then filled again. The cold morning air chilled his wet face.


         He clenched his jaw and wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, barely able to see the driveway before him. His feet faltered and staggered a bit as he rounded the curve in the drive and the large house disappeared from view. He stumbled as the strength went out of him, and fell to his knees. The pack fell off his shoulder and he slumped there on the ground, his face in his hands as cries ripped through him.


         “God...” He cried then hugged himself tightly and turned his face to the clouded, cold sky, his body shaking. An anguished wail swelled up inside him and erupted forth. “Please...God...”


         What was he pleading for? Adam to come after him, take him in his arms and refuse to let him go? Deep down in his tortured heart...he knew that was what he was praying for. If Adam came after him, grabbed him and kissed him...Sam knew he would go back. It would be a mistake, but he would still go. He hugged himself tighter and cried harder, pressing his chin down to his chest as a stream of tears dripped off his face.


         He wanted Adam so bad right now. Wanted to feel his arms around him again. His lips kissing him, telling him he would never stop loving him. His eyes backing up what his lips were insisting was the truth.


         “Adam...” Sam choked out, his stomach cramping violently from the force of his sobs. A quiet voice inside him told him to go back, that Adam was waiting for him to come back. He didn't know where the voice was coming from. His head was too smart to tell him to go back, and his heart...it couldn't be his heart. His heart didn't trust Adam's love...did it? It couldn't be his heart.


         Sam crawled to his feet and picked up his pack. His knees were weak and his legs shaky, but he shouldered his pack again and moved forward. Whatever was telling him to go back...was wrong. He could never go back.


         Sobs shook him as he was forced to face the cold, stark reality before him.


         He would never see Adam again.











“Hey, girl.”


         Ariel nuzzled Adam's hand and eagerly accepted the peppermint treat nestled in his palm. He rubbed his hand slowly up her face as she crunched the treat then searched for more. Adam smiled, but it felt heavy, labored. His throat was tight and another well of tears were trying to rise up behind his eyes, but he was already sick to his stomach from all the tears from earlier, when Sam had walked out.


         He needed to get a grip or he would make himself sick for real. Sam was gone and he couldn't change that. He wasn't coming back. Even if Adam wanted to go after him, find him and bring him back...which he did want to do, desperately so...he wouldn't know how to find him. If he wasn't still on the road, if he'd caught a ride with someone...Adam would never locate him.


         Sam had said his brother lived in Idaho, which Adam suspected was where Sam might be going now, though he'd said he hadn't been to his brother's place in two years. Still, Sam was hurting and scared, needing comfort and security, and at the moment, the only one he seemed to feel truly safe with was Braden. He was going home, Adam could feel it.


         Though Idaho wasn't that far from Colorado, and only a moderate sized state, none of that was of any use. Sam hadn't mentioned which town Braden lived in, what part of Idaho he was in. Adam didn't even know Sam's last name, and consequently Braden's either. There was nothing. No trail to follow. No clues to help him track Sam down.


         He was just gone. Without a trace.


         If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't...it never was.


         The old saying floated around inside Adam's head. He knew it was the truth, knew that real love stayed because it wanted to, not because it had to. But though he was sure Sam had been lying about not wanting to be there with him...he had no faith that he would come back to him. The kid had been damaged way too early in his life. And sometimes when one was hurt so severely so soon in life...they never really recovered.


         Adam gazed at the mare's dark eyes as she looked back at him with pure love and trust. If she'd been able to talk, perhaps she could have convinced Sam that Adam was trustworthy, someone he would be safe with, who would never hurt him.


         “He's gone, girl.” Adam's throat squeezed tight. He stroked the mare's face. “Maybe it's my fault. Maybe if I hadn't...been so desperate for him to stay...” He licked his lips and swallowed thickly as his eyes began to sting.


         Was it his fault? Had he scared Sam away by coming on too strong?


         Was that at least part of what had sent Sam running from his arms?


         If so, it was merely a small part. Sam had been running long before he'd met Adam. Running from the intimacy of others. From love.


         “Why are you so afraid of being loved, Sam?” Adam whispered then closed his eyes, forcing back the tears. An image of the prescription bottle rose behind his eyes. A deep, gripping fear clutched at Adam and his stomach again clenched with nausea. Sam hadn't answered Adam's questions about the pills. He hadn't denied being sick. God, what if he was...


         Adam choked on the thought as it brought more tears and anguish. Sam couldn't be that sick. That wasn't a reality Adam could accept. A reality he refused to accept.


         “Oh God, Sam...” Adam could feel his world crashing down, coming apart piece by piece. “Baby, why did you leave me...why were you so afraid to love me...to let me love you?”


         Did the answer to that question even matter now?


         Sam was gone.


         Though he squeezed his eyes shut tight, Adam's tears still forced out beneath his lashes and seeped down his face. He pressed his brow to the mare's head and cried softly against her warm face.











Twilight crept in slowly, with stealth, sneaking through the thick trees on both sides of the road, slinking towards Sam, crawling closer and closer as the light began to fade from the troubled sky.


         Sam shifted the pack on his shoulder and glanced at the darkening trees. A deep unease tightened his gut, but he tried to shake it off. He'd been on the road plenty of times at night, it had never bothered him before. So why was the descending darkness putting him on edge now?


         Nerves. That's all it was. It wasn't the darkness that was putting him on edge, it was just...everything else. He'd been walking for hours, non-stop. His legs burned and his feet hurt, but he couldn't stop. If he stopped moving, there was the chance he might turn around and start walking back. And that wasn't an option. No looking back, eyes forward, mind turned off. He'd been repeating that line to himself since he'd stepped off Adam's driveway and his feet hit the paved, two lane road.


         Each truck that had approached from behind sounded like Adam's. Maybe because for the first hour or so, he had expected Adam to come after him, to insist he go back with him. And with each hour that passed that Adam didn't show up, the sick feeling inside Sam swelled more and more, until he'd nearly dropped to the ground at the edge of the road and vomited. Somehow he'd avoided puking and just kept walking.


         The sick feeling was still there, but had settled into an unpleasant numbness. The wondering whether or not Adam would come for him...was gone. Adam wasn't coming. He had really let Sam go. And though Sam had insisted to himself and to Adam that that was what he wanted...some part of him knew he'd been lying to both. He'd never felt so wanted, needed, loved, alive...as when Adam had been fighting to keep him there, convince him he belonged there.


         The tears he'd been fighting off for the last few hours, welled up without warning and spilled down his face. Had Adam realized at the last moment that he didn't really love Sam after all? That trying to keep him there was more trouble than Sam was worth?


         A tightness clenched Sam's face. Adam would have been right in thinking that. It was better if that is what he believed. It was good that he'd let Sam go. Sam didn't belong there. He didn't belong anywhere. He'd slipped through the cracks of this life and there was no place for him in it. Even when he was with Braden, he still didn't fit.


         “God, why did you do this to me?” Sam whispered tightly, hurt and anger squeezing his heart, his mind. “How is it you created a perfectly aligned universe without a hitch...but still fucked up so bad when you made me?”


         Hot tears ran down his tight, angry face.


         Maybe God didn't make a mistake. Maybe He did it on purpose.


         A sick, twisted joke by a God who needed a good laugh.











“Adam...”


         A sharp gasp escaped Adam and he sat up quick, coming awake suddenly. He hadn't even known he'd fallen asleep. His pulse raced like a jack hammer.


         “Sam.” He shuddered. He'd heard Sam speak his name. Swallowing thickly, he glanced around the room. He was in the spare bedroom. Sam's room. It would always be Sam's room now. The kid's voice had just been in his head, his dreams. Adam laid back down slowly and rolled onto his side, pulling the pillow close to his face. It still smelled like Sam and he closed his eyes, breathing in the kid's lingering scent. A sob shook him and he pressed his face harder into the pillow, trembling beneath the weight of his grief. Images of that morning haunted his mind, images of Sam in his arms, clinging to him on this very bed. He'd felt in the kid's touch how much he wanted Adam, how much he wanted to be here with him.


         And for a brief moment, Adam was certain Sam would stay. But then he had just ran, without even telling Adam the truth as to why...trying to tell him he didn't love him, didn't want to be there with him. But that was a lie. Adam knew it was lie. That couldn't be the truth. It just...couldn't.


         Hard sobs shook Adam as he cried into Sam's pillow. Maybe he just couldn't accept the truth. Had he just imagined everything he'd thought he'd seen in Sam's eyes when the kid looked at him? Had he just wanted to see it so bad...that he convinced himself he was seeing it? Was Sam telling the truth when he said he didn't love Adam...and never would?


         “God.” Adam choked out fiercely, releasing the pillow and sitting up, raking his fingers through his hair. “It doesn't fucking matter. He's gone. Deal with it. Just...fucking deal with it.”


         He pressed his head into his hands and tried to hold back the sobs, but they were too strong and ripped through him like an enemy missile crashing through a crowded city street...destroying everything in its path.











“Wake up, Sam...it's time to come home.”


         Sam opened his eyes slowly and rubbed the sleep out of them with his fist like a child just waking up. Someone was squatting in front of him, looking at him. Sam blinked and rubbed his eyes again. His pulse quickened as Adam's face slowly came into focus.


         “Adam?” He breathed, his voice trembling with unbelief.


         Adam smiled warmly and Sam's heart melted, rushing straight to his eyes in a flow of tears.


         “Come on, baby.” Adam murmured. “Let's go home.”


         Sam was shaking, tears running down his cheeks. “You...came for me.”


         Reaching out, Adam stroked his fingertips down Sam's wet cheek. “Oh Sam...did you really think I wouldn't?” He leaned in close and kissed Sam softly on the lips. “Know this, baby...I will always come for you.” He kissed him again. “I will never let you go.”


         Crying, Sam wrapped his arms around Adam's neck and hugged him tight, sobbing against his neck. “I thought...you didn't want me...didn't really love me.”


         Adam held him deep in his arms. “That will never be, Sam.”


         Being held by Adam that way, Sam had never felt so loved and wanted in all his life. So Safe.


         “Please take me home.” Sam cried softly, his lips pressed against Adam's warm skin. “I don't want to be alone...I just wanna go home.” Sam clung to Adam and squeezed his eyes shut, crying.


         When he opened his eyes, Adam was gone and he clung to his back pack, hugging it fiercely against his chest. The cold brick wall of the alcove outside the rest area bathrooms pressed against his back, the chill of the stone pushing through his sweatshirt and into his skin.


         He stared blankly out into the cold night. Adam wasn't here. He hadn't come to take him home.


         Home.


         “Braden.” His hands shaking, tears blurring his vision, Sam tugged open his pack and began digging through the contents. A frown hardened his brow. He dug deeper. Where was it? He began pulling everything out of the pack, searching frantically. But it wasn't there. His breath ragged, he slowly stuffed his things back into the pack then pulled it into his arms again and stared fearfully out at the darkness pressing in on him from every side.


         He was alone. Really alone now.


         “I wanna go home.” He whispered through a fresh well of tears as he lowered his head and pressed his face against his pack and started crying, wondering if he would be able to stop this time...or simply cry his heart to a final standstill.


         I wanna go home.


         But...home to Braden?


         Or home to Adam?











Autopilot was on and Adam moved around the house in a daze, running on empty but somehow still going. He was afraid to stop, sit down, and let his mind go. Thoughts of Sam were in there, hovering around the edges of his mind, waiting for the chance to crawl back in, wrap around him and tear him apart just a little more.


         Adam took his time building a fire in the fireplace, then went to the kitchen. He fixed a simple, pre-packaged t.v. dinner that he left untouched on top of the stove. His stomach hurt as if he'd been gut punched by the black superman. Trying to put food in it, especially bad processed food, would be a monumental mistake at this point.


         Old re-runs of I Love Lucy were on Nick-At-Nite and Adam stretched out on the sofa to watch. The crazy woman always made him laugh, but tonight the best he could offer her was a faint smile. It was a physical struggle keeping Sam out of his head, and he was losing the battle. Still he fought it. It hurt so much to think about him, wondering where he was, if he was okay, if he was warm and fed...if he was thinking of Adam, missing him and wishing he was back here with him.


         Groaning and running his fingers through his hair, Adam sat up and stared blankly at the television. The deeper night set in, the harder it became to keep Sam out of his head. God, where was he? Sam had spent plenty of time on the road, Adam knew he shouldn't be so worried. But the thought of him out there alone, possibly sick, no one to look after him or help him if something happened to him...it caused a fierce nausea in Adam's already hurting gut.


         He turned off the t.v. and left the living room. He started to walk past Sam's room but stopped and stared through the doorway. The lamp by the bed was still on, as if waiting for Sam to come in and go to bed. Adam leaned against the door frame and gazed at the bed, seeing Sam as clearly as if he were laying there in the flesh. He closed his eyes and felt Sam in his arms, his body warm against his, his beautiful curving soft lips kissing Adam's trembling mouth.


         “Sam.” Adam choked out softly and opened his eyes. Tears were sliding down his face before he knew he was crying. “I should have stopped you, Sam. I should have went after you, brought you back.”


         Adam covered his eyes with his hand and cried. Mostly because he didn't know if Sam's last words to him were true or not. Even if he never saw Sam again...he knew the uncertainty of Sam's feelings for him would leave him with an open wound that would never heal.


         “God.” He shuddered, wiping his face. “Why did you have to leave it like this? Please...” Adam gripped the door frame and pressed his forehead against the wood, his body shaking with sobs. “I just need to know. Why can't you just tell me? Why is that too much to ask for?” He lifted his head and looked at the ceiling, anguish gripping him. “Why?!”


         Releasing a strangled cry, Adam shoved away from the door frame and turned away from the bedroom, wiping at his eyes. Fresh tears welled up in the place of the old ones.


         “Forget it.” He choked out bitterly. “What the hell do you care?”


         'Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue...'


         Adam stopped dead in his tracks as the Judy Garland song whispered into the hallway out of Sam's room.


         He turned slowly, his brow pinched in a hard frown. What the hell?


         'And the dreams that you dare to dream...really do come true...'