Wondering about my Wanderings

Wanted: Dead or Alive

September 16th 2013

As I awoke from a nap I could see in billboard lights; Wanted: Dead of Alive. That pretty well encapsulates my present state of mind and soul. There have been a lot of transitions that have left me hanging waiting for resolutions good or bad. When I am in that place I find myself wondering who is really in control or do I merely plunge into chaos waiting for someone to rescue me at the last minute.

Past perspective shares with me that I am a survivor. I might as well say I am a ghost writer or at least a dead man walking. There have been several times that I have been on the teetor totter wondering if I was going high or low. At times even wondering if the ride would ever end. Doctors said I was near dead when I was a youth, I survived numerous other illnesses that had death written all over them(at least I thought so). I can still hear the words of my deriders saying go to hell or in the same breath you are committed to the looney bin for life.

Present perspectives tell me that I am taking adequate care of myself. I can always do better. I am writing and that I like very much. It is a moment in time where my blood finds it's way to a blank screen and shares what no other person would know otherwise. I am in a job I do not like and lately the job is not liking me as much. I used to sing real well and my voice is scratchy. I can not get the high notes. Then there are relationship connections. I look forward to getting together and cautious at the same time. I have been hurt and so not want to experience that hurt again.

The future reeks of the dead or alive concept. My greatest hope is that I can give my life in a way that leads others to know there is a God worth loving. The tricky part is that in living and suffering I hate to for people to think that God is somehow being implicated. I think of death that final moment. It is a time where I can see the whole story of who I am. Am I ready for what that reveal. How about everyone else. It is enough to know I am wanted. I have purpose. Over time I look forward to knowing at a deeper level the difference between a song I have always loved and a song that I will look forward to hearing forever!!