Perpetual Ruminations

Saturday

This is a very long and difficult day. My wonderful friend, Klarissa is dying. She is a Golden Retriever, just a dog to many, but she is much more to me.

I got home just shortly after she was born, along with a whole mess of sisters and brothers. My daughter's dog Mandy had pups while I was at a Christmas party for work. At first I had no intention of keeping one. But, puppies are difficult to resist, so I began considering the possibility of keeping a puppy for myself.

I had two picked out that I was kind of fond of, but one was a bit unruly and the other soon had another home. Being winter in northern Minnesota, we had the mother, who was a house dog, and her pups in the house. They were penned up in one room, so they could not make too big of a mess. One evening, one of the puppies managed to get out of the closer, and cried until I picked her up.

Klarissa and I have been together ever since. She just refused to stay penned up, and would come straight to me. Once I had picked her up, she would climb up my body and rest on my shoulders until she would fall asleep. That was in December of 2001, shortly after my divorce and trying to put my life back together again.

Now, almost twelve years later, she is just a shadow of who she used to be. Nothing but skin and bone, bad hips, and numerous other problems. But she has not been suffering and we continued to nurse her along. the last few days she refused food and water. I get a little moisture in her but it's difficult and she fights it all  the way.

She has breathing trouble when she lies down, so she began pacing and can only lie for about five minutes, before starting to bark and cry out. Then she gets up and paces aimlessly. I called the vet to see if they could do anything for her, but unfortunately there is nothing to do, she is old and her body is dying.

But she is a fighter and refuses to give in. She has always been there to take care of me, and now when she needs to let go and sleep eternally, she fights it with every ounce of will she has left, because she won't leave me. It tears my heart out to watch her, to know she is fighting for her life and it is a losing battle.

The vet will be open on Monday, if she lasts that long. For now, it's difficult but we are keeping her medicated for pain and hoping she can be kept comfortable until Monday. I want so much for her to stay with me, but she is nothing but skin over bone, she is starving and dehydrating. The most difficult thing is to let go, for both of us.