Perpetual Ruminations

Tuesday

I'm really in a kind of funk today -- just fed up with all the bullshit and time I spend giving and not getting any returns. It's like I'm swimming against the current and just never gain at all.

I know, everyone has similar problems, and maybe that's so. I just don't see it. They may have similar, but at least there is a trade off someplace, I don't even see that. I put in an honest days work, do my best to make things work out, try and plan things out, and instead of getting ahead, it seems I get further behind.

***    time-break    ***

I had a lot more written out, and saved. Then, the phone rang and I talked to my brother for a bit. Now, I'm back to finish this entry, but after reading through it, I decided to delete most of it. I put in a break after the first part I had written, or at least what's left of it. I deleted everything from the break on, and am redoing it.

Why? Too negative. I'm an optimist by nature, but for a while now I've had a pretty gloomy and pessimistic outlook on life. It's hard not to; for a long time life's been giving me a lot of lemons. Now, however, I don't even get lemons. I take two steps forward, get knocked three back. I turn to those who I've given the most to over the years, and get a big sorry, can't help you. Even my darling wife has joined the club of those who hand over their problems but offer no help back.

Oh sure, she puts in the effort to help, but in the end, it's only superficial, and I still have to do the doing part. With work, it's my job and I don't expect much from anyone. I have delegated some of the tasks, but she still works more like a mediator instead of just doing the task, or she offers a solution that isn't pliable. I do appreciate her trying, but she just isn't actually lessening the load much at all, and as the boss, it always falls back on me.

That's fine, except it takes up a great deal of my life, I work thirty hours a week on the site and then put in another ten to twenty hours off. I don't have the option of leaving work at work, I have to bring mine home with me. Now, if they paid me a huge salary for this, I would be more positive, but I get .75 an hour during my scheduled hours. That's it, that's to cover everything I do off the clock after or before work. Since we cannot have phones or computers at work, I can't do anything on the clock and so it comes home with me.

That means I don't actually get any time off, I have to answer my phone and make sure shifts are covered, paperwork is done, faxes are sent, and everyone under me gets their time off, shifts covered when sick or they can't make it in due to weather. I also have to coordinate between the company and the business we work at, interview, hire and train people, fill out reports, requests, and time corrections. It's another twenty hours a week or more to do it right.

So, I have no time for anything else. I get home and go back to work, or I go to an interview, or I go fill out hire paperwork. If I'm not working, I have so many tasks that need my attention, I could work full time just trying to keep everything going at home. Then I also have a new dog I need to work with who puts a lot of demand on my time because she gets neglected too often as a result of me being at work, or out doing interviews and paperwork.

My brother wants to spend some time together working on projects in the garage or fishing, my wife wants to spend time with me doing things we enjoy, and I try and cover it all. Only, there isn't that much of me and I don't have any time left over for the things I set aside for the rest. I love to read, and managed to get a bood read at work, because it's slow. But, since we can't have any electronics, I have to read the book....

***    time-break    ***

That was our daughter who stopped by, yet another break. She's my stepdaughter, and Rhonda was working on some pictures or something but didn't tell me what all was going on. Sarah stopped to get it, but I have no idea what it is. Oh well, she was suppose to stop this morning while Rhonda was at home.

I don't remember where I was at, but it doesn't matter, I'm out of time for now and will have to just leave this like so many other things in my life right now, unfinished and doubtful I will ever get back to them. There just isn't any time, and when I do get a chance to go back for something, which is very rare, there are five new things pressing for the time anyway.

If I was single, no family and didn't have a dog, I could maybe find time for most of it, and still have time to write. But, I am not single, and I do have a dog, and I do have family, along with my job that seems to demand 70% of my time. That leaves 30% left for the rest, say 15% for my wife, 10% for family, and 5% for the dogs. It's close to the balance right now, and as you see, there is no % for me, and since I do have to sleep sometime, I'm constantly at a deficit with the rest.

So much negativity from an optimist -- can you see the problem? I look at the glass half full, but then someone comes along and drinks it!