Wondering about my Wanderings

learning

I have just gone through a grilling on something I have written. What makes experiences like that especially difficult is hearing all the messages from my past about how stupid I was. I was one of those persons in college, high school and seminary who tried to get all the highest scores on tests. Yet even in the midst of this it seems like whatever I learn still makes me feel less intelligent than others.

Much of this arises out of a family background in which I was supposed to know everything. I saw things get out of control when my younger brother became mentally ill. At that point I definitely felt stupid. What good is all the education if I can not stop those around me from knowing healing and help. I suppose I only rant and anyone reading this might think I am just setting up a defense that allows me to share my opinion as the only one.

I am still even at the age of fifty-eight trying to discern what it means to have humility. I guess part of what I am discovering I am human. My biggest struggle is knowing that whatever I share about what I have learned might hurt someone. It may seem crazy but I still feel some responsibility for my brother's illness, even if I could not stop it. Enough for the rant. Thanks for being there.