Perpetual Ruminations

Sunday

Six days left and the month is over. I started writing in 750 words on January twenty-ninth so I have twenty five days done already. Actually, that's the second round for writing in here, since I joined some time back and wrote in here for a while. When things got out of control, instead of being motivational, it became more of a frustration so I stopped. Now, I'm back and it's working as a motivation tool once again.

It's been a long time but it feels good to be in here and working towards some goals again. I'm not setting out to break any records, just to make the daily seven hundred and fifty words and to complete the month. I will continue on with next month, of course, and the month after and so on. Of course, I may take on a monthly challenge or try for another badge in time, but for now it's just the basics to write everyday and to keep up at least seven hundred and fifty words, without diving in to fast and taking on too much.

I should be writing something more than just in here, but it's just not coming. That is something I need to work on, too. Up to now, I have primarily been writing based on spontaneous bursts of creativity, but that has not always been the case. In college, I had to write and have it done by a deadline. I did fine, and seldom had any trouble at all. I sometimes faltered a bit trying to find a subject, but with a little determination I would find something to write about and then go full force into it. But, when it came to personal writing, it was based on feelings and emotion as much as anything.

Sometimes I could write and it flowed freely, other times I would sit and look at a blinking cursor and not be able to do more than a few words. I could get a start, then delete, then start and delete. You get the idea, there just wasn't any inspiration, and nothing would flow. In fact, I used to take paper and pencil and write to trigger my inspiration. Sometimes it would help, many times I performed the same as on the computer, write and delete; only now it was write and erase.

I was a single parent of two teenagers in high school, one out of school but living at home. Often, there was no time to write, and when there was, it was often too noisy. I should add that we lived in a very small house with no place to go to escape the noise and activity. So, I would go down to the lake and try to write there. Often, it was late in the evening so the beach would be quiet except for a few, sometimes it was after dark, and I would have the beach to myself. With the sounds of the night around me, the moon dancing on the water's surface, I would take pencil to paper and write from feelings and inspiration when it would come.

This became my normal routine, and I still find I need quiet and still to write. I also still tend to write from inspiration, and when it's flowing I do terrific, but when it ebbs, so does my writing. This would be fine if I had ample time on my hands, but time is very limited and often when inspiration comes, I am in no place or position to write. I have recorded ideas to write later, and when voice recording doesn't work, I take notes and record on paper my ideas. It works to preserve the idea, but to write on it, I need to find inspiration again, and by the time I have time, that's ended. So I have a lot of half baked ideas, some good and in need of working out, others probably fit for the trash can. Actually, I seldom dispose of any of my ideas, even if they don't move me after I look back on them.

No, I save them, even though I doubt I will ever do anymore with them. They seemed like a good idea at the time, but where the idea came from, I have no idea. Even so, it was something that seemed promising at the time, and it may have had more substance at that moment, but lost it when the circumstances surrounding it's birth changed. Therefore, under the right conditions, it may find some life after all. Chances are it won't, but it could. There is also the other side of it, and the greater reason I do not discard the idea. Even though it didn't work itself out and become anything, it may inspire another idea. In looking back at these ideas and trying to put thoughts with it, sometimes it triggers an offshoot that is a good idea to write on.

Also, some of these ideas started to take shape but never made it quite to completion. Some did complete, but then died without revision. Both may one day become something I do want to complete, and with a few changes or possibly some major ones, they could become something I want to finish. There have been a few of these that have also inspired a whole new version, and with the new direction turned into completed items. Also, some of them just fill space, but it shows me that even though it did not work out, my creative side was working and churning out ideas.

Now, what I need is time to finish many of these ideas and sort through the rest. I need to organize them and work on them as well as to record more ideas, and create more items; some from the ideas I have stored, and from new ones as well. Time, that is my biggest obstacle, and time tends to work against me. As far as time goes, I find I have little of it. At the same time, I have great demands for the little I do find. I'm sure that's normal for most people, but for me there is another obstacle associated with time, and that is inspiration.

For instance, today;  I have time but am not getting much accomplished with it. I look at the clock and it's mid afternoon, yet I have done very little, and I have created even less. I have this journal entry written, or at least about written, but that's about all. Where did the day go? How did time get away, again? How do I overcome the problem with time and inspiration?

These are questions I cannot answer. The fact that the day is half shot is kind of frustrating. The fact that I didn't get much done with the half a day that is now gone is also frustrating. But the biggest frustration is knowing these two things and not knowing how to do anything to change them. Let me explain it a little:

Today, Sunday, is a normal work day for me. But, today I just could not get woke up. Rhonda, my wife woke me after she had the dogs out and coffee ready, like she usually does. It's kind of our routine, I lounge in bed a bit and she wakes me with lots of love and affection. Only this morning, I really couldn't wake up, and when she did wake me, I was so tired I could have easily fell instantly back to sleep.

I have not been sleeping well, and I tend to get behind on my sleep through the week, but this was different. I have also been feeling ill all week, with some kind of abdominal problems, and that could be part of it. Rhonda has been suffering a cold all week, and this morning I was feeling the symptoms; I seem to have contacted her cold, as well. Even so, I should not have been this tired. I went to bed early enough, and being Sunday, didn't have to get up at three in the morning. So, I had a full nights rest and should have been awake and refreshed, like most Sundays.

Instead, Rhonda went in to work early for me, and I was asleep before she even left. She did give me a kiss before she went, and I remember that, but nothing else. I slept sound until eleven, then woke because I had to go to the bathroom. I felt like going back to bed, but forced myself to stay up. Even though I was tired enough to fall right back to sleep, I wanted to get something accomplished with this gift of time she had given me. I also knew, that if I went back to sleep, I would probably not wake until noon or later, and if I slept too much this early in the day, I likely would not be able to sleep later tonight. Since I need to get to bed kind of early tonight and be up by three tomorrow morning, I didn't want to mess up my chances for getting to bed early tonight.

So, I found something to eat, got a cup of coffee and checked out a few sites online. I went into MyFitnessPal and logged an entry, read a few entries from my friends, then closed that and opened Facebook. Again, I looked at a few entries from my friends and then closed out my browser and did a little maintenance. My computer was running slow, so I run a program to find and fix some of the stuff that goes on with computers, it also cleans up temp files and does a few other things. After running that, I ran an anti-spyware program to make sure I didn't have any bugs slowing things down. While this ran, I took the dogs out and let them get a little fresh air and do their canine business of sniffing and marking.

After about fifteen minutes I came back in and since my laptop was still running the anti-spyware, I got on my netbook and looked around a bit. It wasn't working out very well, however. This cold seems to have my eyes sensitive to light, and it's also difficult to focus on the small screen. On top of that, Hanna, our Labradinger (Labrador and Springer Spaniel mix) just would not leave me alone. We rescued her from the humane society, where she had lived most of her life of two years, and she is still getting used to interacting with people. She does well, is very well behaved, but she just cannot get enough attention sometimes. Today was one of those times, and she continued to climb on my lap, despite I was holding a lap-desk and  computer.

What could I do? If I didn't do something, she would have me all scratched up; her feet pads and claws get very sharp and scratchy. Also, she would have the lap-desk and netbook on the floor if I didn't do something. So I did what I had to, and put the netbook back on the desk and put the lap-desk down so I could hold her and give her some loving. After a bit she settled down, but as soon as I took up my computer again, she began to get vocal and climb on me again. Then it dawned on me that she wanted more than just some lovings, she was hungry, too. I asked her if she wanted her dinner, and Hyko, our older Golden Retriever also confirmed it was past time to eat.

I felt bad, because it was past their normal feeding time, and I had forgotten. See, Rhonda usually feeds them before she goes to work, but then she works the afternoon shift, normally. I work the morning shift and am gone already by the time they eat. But this morning, Rhonda went in for me, and I was home instead of her, and needed to feed these two for her. They reminded me, and I fixed up their dinner and fed them, then set about restarting my laptop since everything was done running now. While it restarted, I took them back out, to do the canine post-dinner stuff. After they had spent a good fifteen to twenty minutes outside, we came back in and I found something to snack on and sat down ready to get back to doing something.

Hannah wanted a few snuggles and some petting, then settled down by my feet while Hyko climbed up on Rhonda's chair beside me and got some loving for himself. Then he settled down on his bed, Hannah jumped up onto Rhonda's chair and snuggled in for an afternoon nap, and I logged in to Writing dot Com, ready to do some reading and reviewing. I looked over a few things, but just could not get into reading. One problem is my eyes still do not want to focus very well, which makes reading kind of difficult. Also, I'm still tired. I could go right back to sleep if I let myself. both of these makes reading difficult, and also hamper writing.

Even so, I tried a few times, then decided to try and get inspired to to write something. I looked at some writing prompts, but they didn't do much for me. I tried writing a little, but my fingers don't want to hit the keys dead on today, and I'm finding many typos as I write. It just isn't working. That's when I just tossed in the towel and logged in here, to 750 Words. It's not giving up, I just gave up on trying to read, trying to write, and took advantage of this extra time I have to get my journal entry written early in the day, instead of trying to fight myself with the other tasks and ending up not getting this done until later, when I'm even more tired, rushed, and unable to concentrate, like it was last night.

I should have seen this coming. I mean last night, I had great difficulty in writing my entry in here. I was tired, but then I usually am by that time of the night. Only, last night I was even more tired. I chocked it up to fishing, and nothing else. Getting out into the fresh air does make me tired and relaxed but this was different, I just was too out of it to see that. As I mentioned earlier, I tend to get behind on my sleep, and I'm often very tired, but I can still function.  Yes, it does mess with me trying to write, since I have trouble holding my thoughts when I'm tired, but I can manage. I may not be inspired do to being over tired, but I can write my journal, and I can do other things. I have to be literally exhausted before I can't function.

Last night I was unable to function, and had I been exhausted, that would have been fine. But I wasn't, I had been getting more sleep than I usually do. Even so, I had not been sleeping well, waking often and not being able to fall right back to sleep. Kind of like it gets when your used to getting six hours of sleep every night, and then you start getting eight, it takes a while before you can sleep for all eight. Only this wasn't at the start of the cycle, I was falling right to sleep. It wasn't after the end of my normal cycle, I was sleeping up to the alarm waking me. It was during the cycle, waking from a sound sleep, and just not feeling tired enough to go back to sleep.

I should add that I do wake up often, some nights more than others. It's usually something I heard but am unaware  of upon waking. It could be traffic, the dogs, or who knows what. I wake up, unsure of why, and ready to just roll over and go right back to sleep. Only, I feel the need to get up and use the toilet first; not real strong, but enough to push through my foggy state. So, I get up, go to the bathroom, then return to bed, snuggle up to Rhonda, and fall right back to sleep. Sometimes this happens once during the night, sometimes a few times. rarely it doesn't happen at all, but no mater how often, I usually go right back to sleep.

Only the last few nights, it wasn't anything like the norm. I would wake up as if I had slept all night. I knew I hadn't, the alarm had not gone off yet. So, I got up, went to the bathroom, then returned to bed knowing I would have to get up soon for work. I would snuggle up to Rhonda, close my eyes, and lie there, feeling like I should get up, since I wasn't tired and didn't feel like I needed to sleep anymore. Knowing I had only slept a few hours, I fought this by finding something pleasant to focus on, an shortly would drift off to sleep, only to wake after a couple hours, feeling like I had slept all night. Yes, a complete repeat of the former wake up. I figure about every two hours this happened. The only thing different was something going on in my abdomen. I thought for a while it may be my gallbladder, but now it's feeling very different. I still have some pain, but it's moved. It's also not as severe, and feels more in the kidneys now.

So, last night I was tired, and should have been. After the last few nights prior to last night, I had woke often, but had gotten more sleep than I usually do during the week. I had also gone fishing and gotten some fresh air, so yes, I should have been tired and relaxed. But not to the point of being exhausted, and unable to function. Also, stress has been a big factor for me since I took this job, and especially since I took over as supervisor. Sometimes the stress gets severe, but recently it's been better. I have a full crew, both Rhonda and I are getting a couple days off together each week, and we even get them off together, which has been rare. Stress from life has been high, too. It was difficult for a time, but over the summer we managed.

We didn't get much time off, and I didn't get any. I work on site as well as from home, doing most of my supervisor work from home. The few days I did get off between November, this fall, and April, last spring, were spent working from home and dealing with work related problems. Also, we had plenty of problems with vehicles and stuff, too. But we managed through them and now have things back where they should be. Stress levels are lower again and things are working out. So, there really isn't any reason why I was so tired last night, or why I'm so tired again today. It may be a result of being sick, but I have been sicker and not as tired as I was last night. I really don't understand why I couldn't function last night, or why I couldn't wake up this morning. I don't understand why I'm still so tired today.

Which brings me back to writing and time. I'm tired, yes, but not unable to function. It is kid of difficult to focus and concentrate again, but not as bad as lost night. Yet here it is, now ten minutes past four in the afternoon and I still haven't done much. I ate a little, but just snacking more than anything. I fed the dogs and let them out a few times, and I checked my posts in Facebook and logged into MyFitnessPal. I also looked into WDC and tried to read a few things as well as to write a little. When I didn't get anyplace with that, I logged into 750 Words and wrote this. It is a nice long entry, and I have gotten my mind open, but I'm still having trouble with focus and holding my thoughts. I feel like I just woke up and have my sleep fog still messing with my head.

I need to wake up, but it's not happening, not yet anyway. I still find myself making many typos and unable to focus clearly, and I'm still wondering how I can overcome these things and write. I need to find inspiration, but can't when things are like this. In fact, many times when I do have some time, I find myself without inspiration. I don't know how to inspire, and that is the biggest problem I face as  writer. Without inspiration, I don't get any writing done. But, I did in college, and I do here, in my journal entry. Now, if I could get that to work in some stories or poems, I would have something.

To be able to write without inspiration and create something by choice rather than depending on inspiration to get something done, that's what I need to find. Then I could utilize the time I get to accomplish something in my writing instead of feeling like I wasted what little time I have. That's what I need to set out to find, the way to write without being inspired and motivated from feelings and emotion. To take a topic or writing prompt and be able to write whether inspiration hits or not, that's my goal and what I intend to achieve. When I can do this, I can write again.

Without it, I have to wait for inspiration to strike, and to have it strike during my limited time that's available for writing. Not much chance of that; this is why I have not written much lately, either no inspiration, or no time, or a combination of the two. But, to be able to write at will when time presents itself would over come this obstacle and it is what I need to do. I just need to find a way; I need to learn how to write by choice, not by inspiration.

I could then set up a time to write and actually write during that time. How can I do that now, when I need to be inspired to write. Sure, I have time right now, but how do I write something if I need to be inspired and inspiration does not come? No, inspiration is great, and when it strikes, I act on it. But, I also need to be able to act without it, and that is the challenge I now must overcome.

I made a step in that direction today, without inspiration but with plenty of time, I managed to write this entry. Not just write a little bit on the weather, or work, but to put thought and effort into writing something. I have suffered a lot of typos, and it's been difficult to maintain focus at times, but I did manage and that's the main point. That is what I need to see, and to know, that I can write even when inspiration does not work with me, even when I'm tired, and even when I cannot focus clearly.

I want to be a writer, to one day be able to publish some of my writing, and that means I would make writing my job, not just a hobby. And, like any other job, I must be able to do my work no matter what else is going on. Sure, sometimes it will come easy, but then other times it will be more difficult. The bottom line is, I want to write, and I want to write all the time. I want to be able to sit down and write towards a goal, and not have to depend on inspiration to achieve it.

Like I did today, when inspiration did not come, when I could not ''get into" my writing, yet I set out here, in 750 words intent on writing my journal entry. I picked a topic and I set a goal to write out a long entry, to cover the thoughts and ideas I could generate on that topic, and even if I lost focus and drifted, to pull back and get back on course until I completed my goal. I did not set a word count goal, I just wanted to get a good entry out, and spend some time writing. I didn't know how far it would go, I just focused on writing, know I wanted to get a nice long entry for the day.

How did I do? Well the work count right now is over four thousand and counting. My arms are fatigued from typing, and I feel them shaking as I hit the keys. I find myself making more and more typos, yet I focus and move my fingers to type the thoughts as I go. I may be tired and fatigued, but I am still able to write, and so I push on until I find myself at a point of feeling like I accomplished just what I needed.

Now, as I come to the end of this entry, I feel good about completing this, I feel good about the word count I managed on this, and even though I did not type fast, I typed and wrote, and that, as a writer, is what I need to do.

For you who have read this, or even started reading it, I apologize for the great length. But since I write in here, in my journal for myself, not for an outside audience, I will not allow myself to feel bad for you. I know this did not have any active plot, that I wondered and lost touch with my subject. I know there must be a huge amount of room to edit and correct. But, if you read through this, you understand and can possibly relate. I doubt few if any will read more than the first few lines, possibly a few paragraphs. I can't imagine there's much here to interest anyone.

But, I did not write this to entertain, I wrote this because I needed to write, to find some answers, and to see if I could, when things are not working, make them work. I did, I made them work, and no matter how terrible the writing, it is here, in black and white, proof that I can do it; I can write if I set my mind to it. The next step, to set my mind to a topic of interest and to write something you may just enjoy; a short story or poem.