Wondering about my Wanderings

zoning out

Letting go is difficult. Lately I have been zoning out a lot. My brother and mother are far away and it feels awful not being able to do anything about it.

I had a dream that woke me up to type. I was taking a test and got a bad grade compared to what I usually got. The teacher Mr Valor (a high school teacher I liked) was very disappointed in me. I was hoping I could get some sympathy for my pain. He shared a story about how he had to let go of a brother. My zoning out was attributed to not being able to let go and the only way to reengage was to change the arena/zone out of which I was operating.

This means a lot for me going forward. I am looking at a new job possibility and I dread moving further away from my family back East. My mom, as rough a time as she is having wants me to get the job. I am sure my brother does to. It is hard being so far away. I find myself remembering growing up in Massachusetts. I forget that it can never be the same.

A good example of this is my sister Lori's vision for her family dynamic. She has four kids and is passionate about them staying close to home. She can not imagine it being any other way. Her son is heading out to Georgia for school, but she is convinced she will see him as often as she can and he will stay in touch with her. I guess that is where my sister and I are very different. She is shocked that I do not see my kids more than I do and that I talk like I will not visit my daughter more than once a year when she moves to Iowa.

In sports they talk about being in the zone. At the moment I tending to zone out. I do this by working a lot of hours, playing video game (especially scrabble games and candy crush) and writing. Writing is good therapy for me. In time I will see how it can help me to get back in the zone.