Wondering about my Wanderings

Loss

Nothing hit harder than the having my daughter leave for Iowa yesterday. I think much of the reason revolved around loss in general. I have had a lot of health issues that remind me I will not live forever. There has been arthritis, asthma, along with allergies that stifle my speech at inopportune times. I am getting older and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

The loss of my mother has to rank up there among losses that are imminent. My mom may last to the age of one hundred against all odds, but so much has changed with her over the space of a year that it feels like someone hit me in the stomach with their best shot. I am having a hard time getting up and breathing. My mom was fully functional when I was with her last and weeping over the fact that we were all together. It might be the last time we would be all together. In a sense her prophecy at that time has some truthful bite.

I notice that I am more sensitive around the issue of loss due to these issues. I do not want to play games as much as I once did, for fear of loss. I am having trouble with focusing on work and family. I am just not me. I am not sleeping well, I am irritable and aloof. It is amazing people have the staying power to deal with my craziness. Maybe there is a such thing as grace after all. I once was lost, but now am found was blind, but now I see.