Wondering about my Wanderings

A lonely life

I sit here pondering a long day. I continue to deal with a person and caregiver dealing with end of life issues. I find myself feeling hopeless and helpless, maybe a bit of both. Today was supposed to be a day that I enjoyed after working out of a car. Instead I came home feeling abandoned and alone. I find myself wondering what it is like at the end of life. People want to keep you alive and at the same time wonder when you will die. It can not be soon enough. Mom is going through her own angst. She is all smile on the outside and yet knowing her there is a lonely place on the inside that is like one of her many babies getting ready to be born. It starts out funny until the contractions and labor pains begin. There is an intuitive sense that tells me that mom is on edge and is keeping it to herself and the only man she feels she can trust. The rest of us will not find out before it is too late. With all this bearing down on me I reflect on my lonely life.