Still Figurin' Out Who I Think I Am

This one's about the song to save us all.

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I wanted to save this song for the last day of the "Resurrection Jukebox" , but I can't because its meaning to me swells a little more whenever I think about it. It's probably the best tribute to dead musicians I've ever heard...the ambiguous lyrics transcend genres, forms, styles, and such, and much like the album it first appeared on it was transcendent when compared to the rest of the Deftones' catalog. Moving away from straighter metal grooves into a more crushing yet ambient sound, it was harder hitting in its emotional depth. It was the exhale when you know something heavier is on its way; the the change I'd seen   was now complete, and this was the unexpected growth that accompanied such kinds of success.

And my journey to the Deftones came through musical exploration with my boy DMFM...he helped me realize that music wasn't just background wallpaper; it could also be a centerpiece in conversation, situations, and life itself. It's no secret that he's a huge part of every single music video I stick in blog entries, whether he knows it or not and regardless of how much he enjoys the bands I play (he's notorious for ripping the shit out of your cd collection when presented the opportunity, and there have been days when we've hung out that he's explicitly stated "I need something Dave-friendly" in response to what I'd been listening to when he walked in to 542 back in the day). He was into the Deftones years before they were gettin' play on MTV2, but all I heard were rap-metal guitars and some dude shout-chanting.

I had my "a-ha!" moment around the time we were roommates, which coincided with the more palatable White Pony, but their self-titled follow-up was a tremendous shift in the dynamics of our relationship...details of which aren't as important as what was to eventually follow.

Everyone has their "Cancer story"...I have mine from when I was younger, but when you see it live and up close and aren't shielded from it, you can't help but feel changed. You're facing your best friend's- your brother's- mortality. You don't know what's happening, regardless of how much you keep in touch and try to stay supportive and up-to-date on all the info. This dude, who's seen you through your own share of life's whatevers, is now facing the biggest battle of his life. And now that battle becomes yours as well. My boy...rock solid stand-up brother through thick and thin (and there have been a lot of "thick and thins" between us both)...damn. When your best friend also has the best hair of everyone you know, and he shows up at your work one day because he can't wait for you to get done because it's time to get rid of the last follicles chemo didn't take...excuse me. I need a minute here.

My boy...we as his many friends once buried his mom prematurely because of Cancer...now conceding that I had to shave his head because his hair was falling out. I don't get emotional over much, and I rarely speak to it of I do, but fuck (and sorry ma...I know you hate f-words in posts unrelated to this and we have our own Cancer story, but this one's mine and situations are different)...like, I knew it was real and all, but this was real. I gotta shave my man's head! Because of Cancer! Don't front; I won't...when the thought of someone's mortality- someone so close to you- creeps in, you get highly emotional...fuckin' "what if's" and all that shit. You're facing death like you don't know how to, because you don't know how else to. We made a night of it at 542. All our mutually-favorite music, a lot of whisky straight, and as few tears as possible. How else do you tell someone you love so much that you're scared that there's a chance they might not be around anymore, especially when you're shaving their head in the face of it? And then you've gotta stay strong on top of it, because fuck that...the Cancer terrorists win when they see weaknesses perpetrated against them, and not on my watch.

Anyway, I know this is already a long story so I'll cut it short...he beat the damn thing (one nut down, and now he's the proud father of a beautiful little baby girl). I made him a mix disc to get him through the chemo trips at Roswell (the greatest Cancer treatment facility in the world  ), and he had to know- he had to know- how appreciative I was for his place in my life. "Minerva" was my best attempt at gratitude (because I'm really bad at showing it through other means, and one cd or mini-disc certainly at that point couldn't define us as a whole through all we'd seen each other through).

And if I'm not mistaken, this particular Deftones cd is the last with bassist Chi Cheng. He passed a few years ago after a car crash left him comatose. When singer Chino Moreno wanted a more relaxed sound that focused on atmospherics, Cheng wanted an even harder, crushing metal sound...further proof that no matter what the outcome is, you can go to war with your brothers over anything and for anything, but the end result is still something beautiful, moving, and incredible. It's often stated under a wide variety of circumstances that "If I can make a difference/change one person's mind/use myself as an example", I'll be "a success" in "what happened". You don't always need to see eye-to-eye to be a better person or show your appreciation. Respect and admiration will almost always ease the pain and trouble (and please...I'm not trying to take anything away from anyone's current diagnoses or struggles) from so many situations, and even the simplest of gestures, while not often acknowledged immediately, can provide a greater comfort than what's visible.

Dave, kid, I know we haven't talked in awhile, but you know I love you brother for all that you've done for me when I needed someone- anyone- to understand me, and I wouldn't be half the human being I am now without you. Even though our paths have diverged in recent years (yes, now it's been two years), I miss you. And I thank you for all that you've meant to me over the last half of our lives.

There isn't a word of this song that doesn't apply "So God bless you all..."
to all we've been through. "For the song you saved us."
Lyrics and interpretations.