Evolution of love

All or nothing

I was the sweet, chubby, bespectacled girl who was the apple of everyone’s eye. Twin pigtails swinging from side to side, in a polka-dotted frock, colorful socks pulled to the knee, little Dorothy-style shoes encasing her tiny feet.


I was the wide-eyed little sister who watched her big brother take the first step into popularity. I tried to follow, but I didn’t belong. I was fat and un-cool.


I was the alienated kid who saw her friends become slim and pretty. While they lied to their parents and hung out with boys, I was their alibi.


I was the fat glutton who ate eight times a day. Rice and paneer. Rice and fish. Rice and egg. Rice and mutton. Cold food stolen from the fridge, eaten under the table in hiding; steaming hot food doled out on the table. Never chocolates and icecreams, just good old homemade food.


I was the happy-go-lucky kid who went into depression over all things thin and desirable.I crash dieted, didn’t eat for days, became anorexic and lost all my baby fat. And just like that, the boys discovered my existence, followed me, wrote me long, corny letters, even went to my mother to profess their undying love for me.


I was the academic achiever who studied hard, made my parents proud. I tried to follow in the impressionable steps of my genius elder brother.


I was the complete and utter failure, the rebel without a cause, who missed classes,repeated years. I lived by the rule that rules must be broken.


I was the intense, mad, passionate lover who knew no bounds. I ran away with him. I ran away from him.


I was the bruised and battered woman who withdrew to heal. The recluse who surrendered and emerged anew. I was the survivor who rediscovered love, forged an everlasting friendship.


I was all of it. The experiencer, the doer, the knower, the challenger, the hater, the lover, the fighter, the endurer.


In reality, I was none of it.