Perpetual Ruminations

Wednesday

I want to write something. In fact, I feel I need to write something. It doesn't have to be long, I just need to write out a short story or poem. As a writer, it's how I express myself, and has been for as long as I can remember. If I have a problem, I write about it as a way to think it over. If it's emotional, I write to release the emotions. Writing is also a means of escape. Daily stress, the pressures of work, of all the stuff that goes wrong, it doesn't matter, I can escape for a while when I write.

But, I also need time to write. I can't take an hour and say this is my writing time, I need to be able to get lost into my writing and may spend the whole day there. When I was out of work, it was terrific, I could write for a while, or write all day, it didn't matter. But now I find I have way too much of my time spent on work, and no time left to write. Just knowing I have to stop and do something at a set time prevents me from getting lost into my writing, which, in itself stops me from writing at all.

I would say writer's block, and in a sense, it is. But it's not writer's block, either. I know, if I had time, I could slip off to where it is I go when I write. I like the term, "In the zone." But, it's going to take some assistance to get there, like a writing prompt, or an interesting circumstance. The biggest thing I need to go into the zone, though, is some time. Time without interruptions.

I'm reading a book when I have time at work, by Stephen King, Bag of Bones.  It's an interesting story, and I'm enjoying it, even though reading at work means it's stretched over a long period of time. One of the things I enjoy is the character in the story is a writer, and in the same kind of slump I find myself. In fact, the writing process and how this person gets lost in the zone, are much the same as myself. I imagine Mr. King is actually revealing much about how he is when writing, also.

It becomes clear to me that I don't write as a hobby, I write because it's a part of me, it's like breathing. When I write, I'm fine, but when life prevents that, I feel as if I'm suffocating. And, that's how I feel right now, like I'm suffocating and need to breath. To many issues going on, and no time to relax and just let myself get lost into my writing.

Even as I type, I'm interrupted by the phone --- work, and more than likely, a problem.

----- phone call -----

That's my break to return a phone call. I tried to ignore it, but they called back and left a voice mail. We start training a new guard tomorrow, and we have had shitty luck with training this spring. In fact, two of the three we started training quit after the first day, the third person was willing, and did his best, but his disability prevented him from being able to perform the job.

So, when I seen it's the person I just interviewed and hired, who is to start training tomorrow, I assumed the worst. I mean, after all the bad luck, it just has to be something similar. I thought he was calling to say he no longer wanted the job, to be serious. This would at least be a step in a better direction since we have not put a lot of time into this person, yet.

But, it was something different. He was calling to confirm his training time, and to find out where he was suppose to go to. I had told him at the interview, but we all know how stressful it is to be interviewed. We covered a lot of material during our short time together, and it's only to be expected that he wasn't sure on much of it. In fact, it's normal for new trainees to show up at the site instead of waiting to meet the trainer in the store. This person just impressed me by calling to double check and find out what and where, instead of just showing up at the wrong place.

There may be hope yet, hope that we will get a good worker, and I can get some much needed time off. Then, one more part-time person to fill in when needed and pick up a few more of my hours, and I will actually have some time again. Of course, with summer, I know there will be other's who want to take up some of that time, but we will deal with that as we need to.

If, or I should say when, I have the means to afford it, I will have to purchase a remote little cabin or place where I can go to write. Someplace where I can get lost in the zone and write until I'm done with what ever item I'm writing. Then, I can come back to the real world and deal with it until the next time around.