Perpetual Ruminations

Tuesday

Things are looking pretty good for the rest of the week, but it's been tough getting here. Today was a nice change, I was done work after five hours, and had a nice, slow day at work. After the last couple of days, I was feeling exhausted and needed to catch up on some rest, so after I ate a sandwich for lunch, I took me an un-alarmed nap. I anticipated sleeping for an hour, maybe a little more, but instead woke after three hours of deep sleep, feeling a lot better.

It's interesting how things change a person's outlook. For example, I've gotten to the point that anxiety attacks me when the phone rings. Over the last two years, it's been the main source of my time off interrupted, and having to go back into work. Last night we had turned in early, about eight o'clock. This would be our normal bedtime if things worked right, since we get up at three. But, things have been working against us, and we have been getting to bed around nine, ten, and even a little later.

Last night, things worked well for us, and we headed off to bed a few minutes after eight. Even though we were both very tired, we took a few minutes to snuggle and cuddle, since we have had so little time to interact in this way for a long time now. I was fighting sleep, holding fast to the moment, and looking forward to a surrender of my will, and letting myself slip into sweet slumber. Then, I heard the phone ringing, and instantly I knew, there would be no days off this week.

My heart rate jumped instantly, I felt a wave of panic I had to quickly face and contain, and I knew without a doubt, something had happened at work and we would not be able to take out time off this week, again. I tried to ignore these thoughts, and I tried to persist in staying in bed and not even looking to see if they had left a message. But, I couldn't; I knew sleep would not come until I checked for a message, and knew what it was about.

So, I got up, came downstairs, and looked at the phone. The light was flashing, "1 Message". I pressed the play button with dread, to hear an unrecognized voice babbling about what-ever! Just a junk call -- phone spam. It was nothing, and I could relax once again. I poured myself a half a glass of water, went to the bathroom, and then returned to bed. Snuggling up to Rhonda, I tried to fight the thoughts that continued to invade my head -- still one whole day for things to go wrong. Exhaustion took over and I drifted into a bit of troubled sleep.

I wasn't awake, but I wasn't fully asleep. Thoughts of what could go wrong continued to assault my semiconscious mind until they created a dream state where I was sleeping in on my first day off with Rhonda in months. The phone was ringing and I could hear the answering machine recording a message that no one had shown up for work to open the yard. My eyes popped open, but even as I opened them, I knew it was all just a dream.

I snuggled closer to my wife, who was now deep in sleep. I focused my thoughts to pleasant things and as I pictured in my mind's eye, her and I snuggled together in the evening, a fire crackling in front of us, and the red and purple horizon ablaze in the distance. We didn't talk, we just watched the fiery orb as it was slowly absorbed into the distant line of trees. The sky burned brighter, the colors more vivid as it vanished below the edge of the world, then darkness raced in to fill the void. Shadows grew as darkness surrounded us, held back slightly by the flickering flames. Soon, darkness took over all, and I was deep in sleep myself.

I woke once during the night, to use the bathroom. It was pretty early this morning, and I never did go back into a deep sleep, I suppose I had slept my allotted time and my body thought it was time to rise and glow. I have not been able to get nearly enough sleep for a long time, and there has been no rise and shine for just about as long. I manage a glow some mornings, that's about it. I know I slept, because I wasn't awake, but I wasn't lost in sleep, either. I lie there, suspended between wake and sleep for how ever long it was before the alarm went off. I would guess it was a half an hour, but time has no measure in that half wake-sleep state.

I was very tired at work, but managed to keep myself alert. A good thing, too. Unbeknownst to me, we were having a security audit by the store we are assigned to. They tried to rip us off, and I nailed them. I've been waiting for one of these secret shop-lifters for a long time. I knew they did this from time to time, but today it was my turn and they tried to slip past me. After he showed his ID, we had a brief talk, then he left and later returned with a security monitor and we had a nice talk. The perfect end to my last day at work before getting two whole days off with Rhonda. It's four in the evening and no calls or changes.

But, because of the way things have panned out, I will have to get up early, run into work and go through an opening procedure with the guy who has been missing so much. I also have to update him on a change to phone use policy and then it's back home, and enjoy the day off. Thursday I plan on no alarm and sleeping until I wake. I hope this continues, and we can finally get back to a routine schedule.