Down the Rabbit Hole

The Effortlessness of Loving

Blog City ~ Every Blogger's Paradise
DAY 716 February 22, 2016
Prompt: What has surprised you the most about your life or life in general?

It is odd but the thing I found most surprising about my life is how effortless it is show love and affection for my daughter. I grew up with a mother who was on her best days indifferent and otherwise cold. She rarely showed affection, and the older I got, then less she seemed equipped to engage me in any real way other than to keep after me about my weight. She was pragmatic about dividing her time between my siblings and I and since I was more like my father, it was far easier to leave me to him. She never understood me, my nose locked in books and my head in the clouds. I didn't join teams like my brother and sister. It was far easier to cheer from the sidelines for them, rather than have to share in one on one time with a daughter she just couldn't reach. I could write a novel on the nuances of that relationship. My point is that I distinctly remember growing up feeling that my mother may have loved me out of obligation but she didn't particularly like me. I was always somehow not what she had expected. When I became a mother myself I went through a period of uncertainly where I agonized about the child I carried, feared that I would somehow become my mother. The moment she was born, those doubts and fear evaporated. This daughter of mine had become my world, the beautiful and amazing center of my world.

It has been the most effortless thing to teach her that she is beautiful, inside and out. I am at times, overcome with affection for her. Not a morning goes by that I don't kiss her as I buckle her into her booster seat. Hugging her, telling her I love her are a natural part of our everyday lives. Praising and encouraging her are my most important, and endearing responsibilities as her mother. I am confident that my daughter feels loved, feels that she is special, knows that I have her back no matter what. She may not understand the concept of unconditional love but she feels the bond that binds me to her always. I am surprised by how completely effortless it is to give over all of myself in loving her. In the wake of that knowledge comes hurt and confusion as to why my own mother found such things so difficult, so elusive. I will never understand how something I can give so wholly and gladly and freely, was kept from me. The only thing I know with as much certainty as possible, is that my daughter will never harbor any doubts about herself or about my love and devotion to her. I know in my heart of hearts that I could never be like my mother and I am eternally grateful for that discovery.



"Blogging Circle of Friends "
Day 1194 February 22, 2016
Trace the origins of one of your habits. For example: Why do you kiss your hand and touch the roof of your car every time you go through a yellow light? Did you have a friend who started doing that and you followed her lead? Figure out when you started doing something that you now do all the time.

I thought and thought about this and came up empty. I don't think I am at all a creature of habit. I don't subscribe to superstitions either. There is one thing I used to do without thinking about much but after the passing of a loved one, it took on new meaning. I believe that might be a bit of the same thing. My cousin Melanie was diagnosed with terminal cancer. She was very young and had three little girls of her own. It was heartbreaking. My cousin Melanie used to never leave a room or hang up the phone without telling you she loved you. It was something that defined her, her sweetness and her grace. After we lost her, I found myself saying it to my family and friends more often, just before hanging up the phone or heading out the door. Should anything ever happen to me, I want them to remember hearing that I loved them. I want those words to be part of any final dialog I have on earth with the people I care about. Melanie showed me how important that is, to consciously let people know you love them.