Can We Talk 2

Marriage and the Church

         I'm ambivalent. I am reaching the point where I think there are two kinds of marriage, the legal kind, and the church kind. Traditionally, the two have been combined and still are, other than civil ceremonies. I only want to address the church wedding.

         There is a separation of church and state. The state doesn't really belong in a marriage, except that it affects taxes and legal debts. If people just live together, even have a palimony agreement, they may be just as married as any other couple, but be absolved of all indebtedness of the other.

         Now for younger people, ideally, what's your is mine, etc., it becomes an "our" thing, particularly when it involves raising children. It changes as people get older, and women get beyond the child-bearing years. Older folks who find themselves widowed in their 50's or beyond, who have already raised their children, and have some inheritance set aside for them, still can fall in love and remarry. However, a devastating illness or the need for long term care, particularly Alzheimer's, can deplete the inheritance for both sets of heirs. It could even hurt the comfortable living arrangements of the healthier spouse. With a long term marriage and only one set of heirs, this isn't such a threat.

         I know one couple, both with real estate and a good portfolio, but no wealth, who found each other's company after life long marriages ended. They had known each other a long time, but were now lonely and found companionship together. They wanted to be married. Both wanted the blessing of the church, but were afraid of the risks financially. She had a pastor who agreed to marry them in the eyes of the church if not the state.

         I know another woman, very religious, who has a good relationship and wants to spend the rest of her life with this man. But both have grown children and do not want the state telling them how to conduct their finances or taxes. Their children are supportive, knowing their parents have enough to cover their own expenses without being obligated to cover the other's. They aren't going to have a church wedding, but are fully committed to each other.

         I know the church's reason for joining ranks originally with the state was to impose commitment. Living together leaves so many options open. It doesn't require that the couple try to work through their problems. Today the courts recognize the rights of both parents. I feel like this is something the church needs to deal with. It would be at the discretion of the minister who would counsel with the couple to determine if they were truly committed. You can't really make it an age limit, but the elderly seem more likely to need the church only wedding. Of course, the non-religious don't care. Only faithful Christians and Jews would face this dilemma.