Angel Whispers

I Me Mine

Trying to write every day was a promise I made to myself, but as I have gone totally inwards I can only think, talk and write about myself. I HATE being like this. I am now on medication and have appointments with counsellors, but my inner fear of not being able to recover is overwhelming. Everything I do is a huge effort and my focus outside of my own thoughts barely exists.

I know this illness too well. I know constant analysing is what my brain does and it will not rest. Analysing drives me crazy. As a daily exercise I will write one analytical fact and though I know I'll rethink them again, will not repeat them in here.

FACT - I could not accept the death of my husband. Adrenalin kicked in and I went manic. There was so much to do and many people around. I thought by moving house I would feel better, but then it hit me I was just running scared. I crashed and the fear of severe depression returning ensured it did. Knowing how hard it is to fight just feeds its power.

Things I tried to do yesterday to not give in. Did them all but felt no better

1. I went swimming

2. I started medication

3. I tried to read

4. Asked for spiritual healing.

5. Went to church