Evolution of love

Journey Towards Babaji

Reny is Reynold Francis, of Indian origin, aged 33, walking through the dangerous Bronx neighborhood in NY City, with an intention to get killed.Time has stopped, days pass, the month is July and the year 2007. He is in a terrible rage, wanting to take revenge.
He has just seen photographs of  his beloved wife of 10 years in the arms of another man and email and chat love conversations between them. 
Raging wild, Reny wants justice!
Again what is justice?
Who was the criminal here?
Was it the one who he had considered his beloved, around whom his world seemed to center or the one who had made love to her? 
What made her sleep with another man?
Was it because Reny was not man enough.
That was what in some arguments she implied.
Or was it because he did not make money enough?
Or was it because she earned more,  she could do as she pleased? 
About him, the lover, it was all about consensual sex, very common in the Western world.
That I could understand.                                                                             
But her, I could not.
Is this all there is to love.
Or does love change when you leave India and emigrate to the United States of America.
Does each country have different values on “Love”?
How is it that something this tender, and from the core of ones being, change from country to country , situation from situation ? 
And how can you turn around and for satisfying your lust over a glass of whiskey, betray this tender heart?
Is that all there is to LOVE?  I cried and cried. 
Reminiscing about the past , he mutters to himself,
“ I had given up everything for the love of this woman, and I have been betrayed. Then what is the meaning of “ Love”, and “Wife”?
What is the meaning of 10 years of marriage? Is not “Love”, “Trust”, “Understanding”, the qualities, the foundation of a marriage?
If the trust is broken, how can you mend it? 
By “Forgiveness”, you say. What if the person is unwilling to admit to the situation, and place the blame entirely on Reny.
And even in forgiving, the pictures  of them, still keeps flashing.
Then only you can drink so much to fall into a stupor.
Then again what is “forgiveness”, you just forget what happened and pretend to lead a life, trusting your wife, to stay committed, while you are traveling for your work?
Then is not “Forgiveness”, in this situation, just a lie, an act of a coward?
Then what is the right action. To whom, can I speak, get advise, and heal this burning fire of pain, raging in my heart and anger in my head?
Atleast, Pray tell me what is the meaning of “Father” ?
Where is he?
Is is just a male, who donated sperm to the womb of a female human being?
Does not a father have to love, protect and help the child along the way, to avoid the mistakes that he has committed an pass on his experience of life?
Otherwise why call a male human, who is just there for reference sake as a “ Father “.
What is the meaning of “Mother”, when she was supposed to know what is happening to her child in a distant land.
Is it that she is so far away, that she cannot conveniently understand or care.
If she is just to give birth, feed and then not bother, why call her “Mother”?
Where is my “Brother”? What about “Sister”? Where is my “Friend”?
Though friendship is so ephemeral , this was understandable.
But where is that real “ Friend” who would stand for me in this time of need?
Does this meanings which Reny has understood so far, from the dictionary of life, rendered completely meaningless.

That one can say something, and it really is meaningless.
That one has to be present in the face of the other, saying,
“Hey? I am here, alive and breathing, look , I am your son.”
Then at your convenience, you may ask , “ O Son, Have you eaten some food?” nay not even that, just, “ Son, are you O.K. ?
Has this world gone so heartless that you have to design some sort of a conversational appeal, to gauge out some feelings from your loved ones.
It was so tragically poetic, when things go wrong, then all avoid you.
Oh so true, even your loved ones. Here you can see how Reny wanted to understand the meaning of the “ Name and the Form”.
If there is a word, which has a “Form” and a “Name”, it has to have a meaning and some sort of qualities. Bereft of the qualities and meaning, the Form has no meaning, the name, just a meaningless word.
With this sword of discrimination, Reny began to track back, count back to one, what made him,
“Who is Reny?”. It meant that at the present moment, from where he was in the city of NY,
Reny was an orphan. It also meant, in the now, Reny was no­ne. In the now, the situations that had created the environment for Reny, so far, was non existent.
Then even Reny did not exist. ”

Then where is  this love, a sincere love, to be found.
In this country where I have been uprooted to whom can I run for solace.
I have no one  ”Whose arms can I run to?”
Who will protect me ?
Who will soothe this terrible pain in my heart?
It has to be Love. Love of a higher order.
It has to be  a Mothers’ love. It has to be Divine Mothers love.
Immediately I remembered the gist of these words of the saint, 
Swamy Ramakrishna Paramahamsa,  “Bhakti, or devotion, means whole-hearted love for the Lord.
The Absolute Brahman is called "Divine Mother".
He who is described in the Vedas as the Absolute Brahman is my Divine Mother;
I am praying to Her.[Brahman impersonal and personal.]
That which is the Absolute (Nirguna), impersonal beyond all attributes, is also the same as the Personal God who is with all attributes and blessed qualities.
The Absolute Brahman again is inseparable from the Divine energy (Sakti).

The term "Brahman" refers to that aspect of Divinity which is impersonal and which is beyond all activity.
But when we think of Him as creating, preserving and destroying all phenomena, then we call Him the Personal God, Divine Mother or Kali.
[Brahman and Sakti are one.] In reality there is no distinction between "Brahman," or the Impersonal Absolute, and "Sakti," the Divine Mother.
The Brahman and the Sakti are one just as fire and its burning power are one.
As by the word fire we understand its power of burning, so by the latter we know that it is the same as fire.
By realizing the one both are realized.
They are one just as much as milk and its whiteness are one.
We cannot conceive the milk without the whiteness.
They are one just as a gem and its brightness are one.
We cannot conceive a gem without the brightness.
They are one just as the serpent and its sinuous motion are one.
We cannot conceive of the serpent without the serpentine movements.
He who knows what "light" is has the knowledge of darkness also.
He who has the conception of the phenomenal world must have also some conception of the Absolute Noumenon.
He who knows the Sakti, or the Personal aspect of the Absolute Being, knows also the Impersonal Brahman. Again, he who has realized the Absolute Noumenon has also realized the phenomenon.
He who has realized Brahman has also realized the Personal God or Divine Mother (Sakti). [The power the Divine Mother.]
This Divine Mother bestows the highest of knowledge of Brahman (Brahma-jnana) by bringing her devotee into the state of Samadhi.
She it is who brings him down on the plane of sense-consciousness and allows him to retain the sense of "I" and "me."
By the power of my Divine Mother all mortals (Jiva) possess the sense of "I" and "mine."
She again reveals to the soul of one who is in Samadhi, that all living beings, nay, the whole universe, is but the manifestation of the Divine Energy.
It is She who makes one reach the Brahma-jnana, the highest knowledge of the Absolute, and She again makes another Her beloved devotee who surrenders himself to Her omnipotent Will.
This truth is the great secret of all secrets. 
Bhagavan with his smiling face spoke to Vidyasagara:
"Oh, you are a Pandit, a great scholar, you must know all this.

    " When I sing the praise of my Divine Mother I refer to the same Absolute Brahman. The term "Mother" is very sweet.
Therefore I like to call Him "Mother."
We must learn to love the Personal God (Iswara).
Through love He can be easily attained. Love, devotion and faith are the most valuable.
Listen to another song. The Bhagavan sang again:
LOVE FOR THE DIVINE MOTHER
1. Ecstasy dawneth when I meditate upon my Divine Mother. As is the ardor of thought so is the attainment; but the root must be perfect faith.

2. If the mind diveth into the sea of Bliss at the feet of my Mother, then is there no further need of worship, rituals, sacrifice or repetition of the Lord's name.

3. The devotee of the Divine Mother is free even in this life and doth enjoy everlasting Bliss. [The Lord, the Ocean of Immortality.]
He who can dive into the sea of Bliss becomes immortal. The Lord is described in the Vedas as the Ocean of Immortal Bliss. Whosoever enters into it becomes free from death. Some people have a wrong idea that too much meditation upon the Absolute will unbalance the mind. No one becomes unbalanced by meditating upon the Absolute. Devotional exercises, rituals, ceremonials, sacrifices or the pouring of oblations into the sacred fire--such works are needless when true love for the Lord comes in the heart of the devotee. A fan is needed so long as there is no breeze. So when the breeze of Divine Love blows all ritualistic works become unnecessary.“ 

If Divine Mother as as Mother Kali, is the form by which Swamy Ramakrishna Paramahamsa worshipped, then Reny too will follow the great Saints’ Pathway of Love & Devotion.
Without any hesitation, Reny turns to his Divine Mother in Mother Kalis’ form and prays to Her, Divine Mother to adopt him as Her own child. ( A sweet faced Mother Mary , in the Bronx , a place where eat or be eaten philosophy is held dear by one and all of its residents, was not safe enough for him.)
My Mother also has to protect me , just as a lioness protects her cubs. Thus Reny turned to Mother Kali, for love, protection and guidance.
Reny whenever he had the chance would retire under a tree at he Riverside Park, where he used to work. Here he would cry and cry to his Divine Mother for an answer,
“ Where is Love ?, What is Love?, What is the meaning of Love?
How can this be fulfilled in life without any sort of a compromise?”

This life, so far has no meaning, just like a cemetery.
All desires have to be burned at the pyre. All his desires, hopes, aspiration,dreams , burnt in that funeral pyre. 
From this moment on, Reny will live, born again, living in the moment completely. Slowly the raging temperatures of the head and heart was soothed.
My Divine Mother had caressed me, placed me on her lap and called me Her own.  I was amazed at the love that was flowing towards me. The feeling of the solid protection that was immanent, made me push the boundaries of the frontiers of unknown and unseen. Everything beautiful, engaged my senses to an extreme in a way that I was in meditation.  I let myself flow with the rhythm of my hearts desire in abandon. Every sensation, that my desire was met, in every moment was heightened, revelation flowed.Everything done in this manner of love, caressing , sometimes instantly, for some time, slowly : gave my heart a gentle squeeze in encouragement.
These words of wisdom of Swami Ram Tirtha,I come across on 26th October 2014. Ten years have past from the turn onto this pathway of Love, as these words are penned.

In order that you may reach the Truth and realize the Divinity, your dearest wants and desires will be pricked through and through, your dearest wants and attachments will have to be severed, all your favorite superstitions and prejudices will have to be wiped out, fell your preconceived notions will have to be torn aside.
Free you will have to become of all the debasing and degrading yearnings, pure you will have to make yourself. Purity, purity. Without paying the price, you cannot reach God, you cannot regain your own birthright. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. And what is purity of heart?
Purity of heart does not mean only abstaining from conjugal sins, it means that, but it means a great deal more. Whether you relish these words today or not, you will have to relish them one day, you will have to come to the same conclusion to day or to-morrow. The conclusion is that all attachment  whether it be the attachment to your house, your clock, or your dog, let it be attachment to anything, father, mother or child, for a man who aspires to the realization of Truth, for a man who wants to gain possession of the whole Truth this moment, for a man of noble aspirations, is just as degrading and weakening as adultery.
  Purity of heart means making yourself free of all clinging to the objects of the world. Renunciation, nothing short of it. Purity of heart means that. Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. Gain this purity and you see God. 
There is a beautiful song in the Indian language, which need not be sung here. The purport of the song is that if your father stands in the way of your realizing the Truth, tread over him, go Beyond him, just as Prahlad, a hero in India, forsook his father, because the latter stood in the way of his realizing the Truth.
If your mother stands in the way of your realizing the Truth, forsake her. This is what the New Testament says. The Hindu Bible also says the same. Love Truth for the sake of your parents. Love and honor your parents as far as they do not retard your progress toward the Truth.
If your brother stands in the way of your realizing the Truth, shake him off just as Bibhishan did.
If your wife stands in the way of your realizing the Truth, cast her aside just as Bhartrihari did. 
If your husband stands in the way of your realizing the truth, throw him off just as Mira did. 
If your preceptor, your religious guide, stands in the way of your realizing the Truth, shake him off, cast him overboard just as Bhishma did because, your real relative, your truest friend is Truth and Truth alone.
All other relations and companions are only fleeting, for a day only, but Truth is with you always.
Truth is your real self; Truth is nearer to you than our parents.
Truth is nearer to you than your wife, children, friends, etc. Respect Truth more than kings, parents, children, father, mother, any one.  ( From “ The Woods of God Realization, Vol 2)
For Reny , everything had to originate with that pull of his heart.
Reny's role was/is as the child of the Divine Mother. What was beloved for Her, Reny sought. What Ma Kali, wanted was good for Reny. Meditating under the trees of Riverdale Park, he felt at peace and in the city, he could feel his calm and peace dissipate immediately. So as close to nature he would get, the closer to his Divine Mother he felt.

“The ground on which you stand, will never betray you !”, exclaimed Ajaya Ghosh,
“ This is the only Truth that I have learnt in my 40 years of law practice. “ 
G Ajaya Gosh, was guide, attorney and elder brother, through the many litigation's Reny had to face in India. Reny had to defend the rights of his family’s properties which were being encroached upon.
And it was Ajaya Ghosh who was helping Reny through this phase. 
He said, after all his experience at Courts and litigation's, he would prefer nothing else than to grow a field of spinach and sell it at the market.
That satisfaction of growing the spinach and selling it, would be far greater than the litigation won for his clients. 
He would have left the profession long ago, but only for the promise made to his late father. After getting his bachelors in law, he bowed down at his fathers feet, his father blessed him and asked him to promise that he would take all kinds of clients, especially the poor ones and fight for them, tooth and nail for justice and never compromise for money, bribe, false honor, position or reputation.
He was a lion at the court and never compromised. His compatriots would try and make him the laughing stock at the court. But he would never betray the confidence of his clients.
It is basically a profession of one hand washes the other , amongst the lawyers at court in Kerala, India. He was brilliant and one could see that most were frightened of  his intelligence.
When a man of such righteousness and brilliance says,
“ The ground on which you stand will never betray you.” and
“ The satisfaction of  growing spinach, beats that of the glory of being the best lawyer in town”, it  just stuck in the mind of Reny. 
My Divine Mother expresses Herself , especially in the form of Nature.
What better way to get closer, to be more in touch with Her, than loving her in the form of Nature itself, Mother Nature.
All of this caused Reny to develop a dispassion for NY city and life in the city. What people loved, the NY minute, Times Square, Madison Avenue,  the Subways, Heart of the world, the happening place, the ‘Big Apple’, the hustle and bustle of the NY minute , which was one minute faster than the rest of the world. 
The rush to be the next millionaire in the dot.com business world, which was what he was striving for, Reny viewed with disgust.
What is this money for, if not Family?
And if my running around from New Jersey to New York city, for this money and this weekly absence made love disintegrate enough to the state where it could affect Reny to such a degree.
There seemed to be no more meaning in running after money, even though the only reason to be in the United States of America was to be a millionaire.
What was the use of all the wealth in the world without love and understanding?
His dispassion grew, and he resigned from his job, packed his belongings with a tent and camping equipment, bid adieu to NY city for good and drove to Vermont, the Green Mountain State.
In the Green Mountains of the U.S.A, he vowed he would follow the dictates of his heart, the heart which palpitates with the love for the Divine Mother.
He would face everything which happens in the moment for the cause of love. What happens from this moment on, would be followed, as a chain of events and focused  life experience, would be the bedrock on which the next event would lead to.

I, Reny Francis, hereby declare this to be the Truth.
I was born  in the capital city of Manama, Bahrain, as a thanksgiving baby in the month of November,’74. I remember myself as a quiet child, who used to observe many things, and ask questions in his mind, though the elders said otherwise. They say that Reny would bite, scream and throw a tantrum, as he was a molly- coddled first child. But this  I would say I did, kick, cry and bite, when things of the nature that I nor anybody would like happened to them, say a doctor coming to poke me in the arm with a huge needle. But what I would most remember is, ‘ I hated bullies and liars and was afraid to hurt anyone.”
To imbibe Indian culture, Reny was sent to boarding school as a second grader. It was a blow, they say they love me but here I was thrown into a copperfieldian  situation. There was no food that I had been used to. Some soup and bread. For Chappathis,(flat Bread), which we would get once a month, we would yell, pressing our noses against the dining room windows, “ChaPPaTHi, Chappathi, Chappathi”. You could really imagine our pathetic situation. After 3 years of  pathetic stay at this school, Reny was transferred to a Catholic Boarding School for boys. This continued for the next 2 years, though the fare was much better. I was afraid to play cricket, for the fear of hitting someone with the hardball and hurting them. I would also not play football, nor hockey. Was it cowardice , I did not know, I just felt that I could hurt and injure someone. I loved to read and understand more than what our teachers had to say. I loved to play shuttle and ping pong. Could sing a bit but not play any instrument.
Then my family got together at our hometown and for the next 4 years, I was at school together with my 2 brothers and sister. These was the first time Reny was introduced to the female sex. It was weird to come from an all boys school to a mixed school, but I did manage to infatuate myself with many of the pretty girls in school. Here Reny fell in love with the sport of basketball, as the rule was not to touch or hurt anyone. One could threaten, but pushing and hurting was a foul, watched and called out.
Then came the final years of schooling , I was again uprooted and taken back to Bahrain, in the Middle East , and was admitted to the “Indian School, Bahrain .” Here was the most enjoyable and luxurious years spent.Reny had everything but still he felt stifled. It is always difficult to engage oneself and understand about a different school culture. Manage I did because of wonderful friends who were kind in helping their country cousin without engaging in disparaging put me downs and remarks. Schooling was a breeze.
He headed towards college as all Indian kids do - “ Back Home in India”. The report cards were reasonable, was admitted into an engineering college in Bangalore who would have me. Here, at last he was free from any scrutiny. Here he could experiment to his hearts content, on any subject other than books, or atleast thats what he thought. But then again his interest in academics dwindled as he saw that his own professors could not make him understand their own subjects. It was all text book references just to clear the semester examinations. So he experimented with the life to his hearts content. Parties, friends, and excursions to the beautiful mountains of  the South of India. Days, months and years passes in this reverie with friends.
All this pleasantness stopped on the day one of our closest friend passed away in a tragic accident. Reny wasn't there during that pleasure trip. After this incident, the idyllic life that we friends lived in immediately dissolved. Reny dated  a young woman, DM , during that time. She became his sweet-heart and friend. His studies were not going great and a mountain of papers were piling on high to get cleared. Reny was called to Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, India, by the Director of the Companies,(the family had invested in real estate with intention to construct and build industries). The Executive Director had called for an urgent meeting with Reny. Reny arrived back to his native town and was awaiting his Uncle, the executive directors’ arrival. After a 3 day wait, people enquiring at his residence, came to know that he had had a massive heart attack and was laying dead inside, for the last couple of days.
From 1997 on, Reny  F., aged 21,  became the director of  a land development company,  F. India Pvt Ltd.  the prior director and my uncle, had had a heart-attack and there was no one else to take the reins of the company with valuable land assets.
                  There was no one to help him face the ordeals which he was to undertake. F J,(father of Reny) as Chairman would never give him any motivation or advise  for the benefits of the company, instead steer the company into more aggravating situations by asking Reynold to take the direction of personal ego of F.J. Reynold being given this huge responsibility and as the eldest of the family, believing his father to have the wealth of experience , blindly followed his orders.
The Chairman can live comfortable  in another country while his son faced the wrath of the Judicial and Police and Mafia Systems deployed in Kerala, South India, with no guidance, like a rudderless boat and without direction.
Reny  faced many litigations on behalf of the company against, T.S ( a genius in looting and takeovers - He had taken over the Thiruvananthapuram Kings Palace and called it Tara Hotel: thus the T in his name ), enmity of C M( A leader of the head load workers in the capitals largest market), Col.B ( our own company manager was helping T.S with details), a highly placed informer, A. Kuttan ( our own lawyer who made 3 civil litigation instead of one , with different  Schedules, thus confusing our plea for justice) A.K had switched sides ,’ Spirit’ K.Nair and his son B.K, and finally the largest and most powerful political party because T.S’s wife A. S  sold the trespassed property to them. This was to build the memorial of their dead supremo leader  in the form of an Academy.
Wheels within wheels, corruption within corrupters. When even the government ruled by the communists is involved , and threats began to be issued threatening bodily harm, after 5 years of being the executive director, Reynold relinquishing his duties to F J and  R.D as MD left  Kerala. He sent his spouse, D.M to the USA.
While awaiting his Green card he completed his Civil Engineering Degree in BMS college, Bangalore. When his Green Card arrived , he migrated to the USA.
For the next three years in USA, he strived his all to begin a construction company , He did many different jobs for experience, as estimator, site supervisor, mixologist, waiter, student, realtor. Sold Real Estate , was licensed in the State of NJ by Dept of Banking & Insurance.
Reynold did his night schooling  in Construction and Management Certificate Program, Middlesex County, NJ, to gain more experience and be certified in American oriented construction methodologies. Then along with a IIT, ( Indian Institute of Technology, the most prestigious science institute)  Architecture degree holder as partner founded Mistry USA, a construction company , which went on to do a quarter million dollar turnover in half year. This involved the whole sum in maintaining the company and credit cards for the purchase of construction van , tools , pneumatic and otherwise, building temporary office, etc.
Then F.J, his father, had a heart attack. Reynold left to India entrusting company affairs to his partner. He found the best heart surgeon in Southern India, the by-pass surgery was  successful.  F.J recuperated, entreated  his eldest son to specifically begin a software company. His other children were too young, and in case something should happen to him, there would be income for the family. Reynold  pleaded with him and said there was no experience for him in this particular field. Still F.J insisted that a software company should be formed.
Deeply feeling within his heart, that such a request from his father, nearly on deathbed cannot be refused, he requested his friend to help him with the founding of this software company. His friend, V, advised both the father and son that the trending of the software industry vertical was now that of services. It would be best to focus in that up and coming field of e-accounting services as a B.P.O (back office processing).
So investment was raised, offices procured, advertisements for the training of new batches of accountants started. Entrusting and handing over the B.P.O over to the technical partner and friend V, Reny returned to the U.S.A. 

Arriving  back in New Jersey, U.S.A, Reny noticed something was not feeling right, one his spouse seemed distant and aloof. And the other, the company work was not happening at a new client location, but the labour and material was being used in the renovation works of my partners  old home to new home makeover sales plan. He had purchased old homes at discount and renovated them, and sold them at booming real estate prices. This was great for him, but unfortunate for the company as the company profited from only labor and equipment and both profit making resources was stuck at his renovation venture. Also he had not paid my credit card dues even after collecting money from our clients. Reny was in deep distress. His partner was cheating him, in order to make personal profit. He had also put Renys’ credit card payment at default risk.
At home, Reny found this aloofness of his wife very disturbing. Maybe this was because of the turn taken by the company affairs. Luckily as one door closes, another one opens.
He was called for interview by a close family friend in New York City. After the interview, the C.E.O and Founder seemed to be impressed by Reny and asked him to join the beginning of the next week itself by being online from New Jersey. This venture was to take the music industry from CDs’, and iTunes, to the next level in technology, the music stars easily accessible to their common public fans’ devices, like mobiles, laptops, tablets, etc, and far more economically than ever done before and thus reduce music piracy. This was 2005, the only rival company was iTunes as a music platform. More than 10 million dollars had been spent so far on this venture, a couple more months and then the company could go public, the C.E.O was just speaking to venture capitalists. Now as money for salary was very tight, coming from the pocket of the Founder and C.E.O himself, Reny would get only his salary in shares and as the funds rolled in, he could collect salary in just a couple of months.In fact, the C.E.O would assist Reny in helping his B.P.O business grow by introducing him to a couple of friends in N.Y City.
Reny was happy to be part of this venture with this enterprising entrepreneur, in the heart of the world, New York. He consented to the conditions thankfully. From one sinking ship, by a cheat to another space jet of success, rubbing shoulders with the gurus of technology, finance and marketing. Reny was to undergo instruction, and training from none other than the genius founder and C.E.O himself. What a lucky break.
After a couple of weeks of online training, reading and understanding the scenarios of the music industry and the different technologies, Reny understood that much more effort was required and that he had to be in NY, for meetings with the various clientele. He had to be in NY, from Monday morning to Friday evening. He would return back to New Jersey on Friday evenings and take the weekend off. After a quick and intensive internship, he was promoted to “Product Manager”.
One day after work, returning back to New Jersey, in June, 2006, Reny came to understand through evidence of emails, photos, online chat records, phone calls, and the askance stance of D. M, my ex-spouse, that she was having an extramarital affair. Reny packed a suitcase and left the house without a word.
I reminiscenced , about life till this stage. I got married for love. This woman , was my college sweet heart.

I was loved by my Mother Kali and she raised my consciousness to become aware of herself
in all that Reny did.
This happened in Vermont, USA , while I was working in an animal shelter as a donkey
keeper, and working with the permaculture enthusiasts there. Following the principles of
Mahatma Gandhi's’ simple living and high thinking, Reny would do work for the owners’
shelter, in return they would provide his accommodation, rent free. For the sake of dollars,
Reny would work part time as construction help and take care of 2 autistic teenage children,
who needed special care.
In this process of work, he also maintained the spiritual practice on a daily basis. This
continued for a span of 3 years. During the end of 2010 and beginning of 2011, Reny felt the
opening of Intelligence to a peak.
The only touch point Reny kept at this times were “ Is this Love?” if not , Neti, Neti, Not
This , Not This, Even if there was an element of love, Reny followed that path of life,
sincerely and devotedly till the spark of love petered out either because the person at the
receiving end , at that point in time became corrupted by selfishness, or misused my
sincerity and honesty.

On February 14th, 2011, I sat down to draw the Flower of Life, a geometrical drawing
consisting a series of circles.
Inspired by my Divine Mother, and the poetry of Rumi, filled the vesica pisces ( ie the
intersection between the two circles with the sufi names of the qualities of Love. Lo and
Behold , all the 99 beautiful qualities of love fit within the pattern.

Amazed and dumbstruck, I distributed the diagram to all friends and family.
Amazed, as praying and meditating on my Divine Mother , I was able to translate the most
important geometric pattern in the western mystic world with the Sufi metaphysical
meaning of Love. Dumbstruck to see these words of love filling every eye of the “Flower of
life & Love”.
Astounded was Reny, while listening to Rumi‘s; poem, “ what was whispered to the Rose”,
to see those mystical words fill out like a Rose, swirling left, counter clockwise and spiraling
right, clockwise.

In my hand was the mystical key, the software for programming our hearts, for bettering
our lives. How this can be done we can see in a different chapter.
Elated, Eureka ! I have found the master program, Reny was somebody atlast. My ego just
gloated and bloated out.

Reny knew though his study into water crystals, that Masaru Emoto , in Japan had created
beautiful hexagonal, 6 sided geometric water crystals, by pasting labels written with words
like, “ Thank You”, “ Love and Gratitude”, on a test-tube of water, freezing it and photographing one water crystal.
He also knew that the Human body contains about 70 80% water and if programmed
correctly, all diseases could be cured. A cure all if the programming could be made in such a
way that all the water crystals in our body was a match for the healthy ones.
He also knew that the I-Ching, an ancient chinese methodology of prediction was also based
on a hexagram. There were 6 variations of the prediction on an outcome of an action, better
still predict the mode and method of the action itself!, make it better knowing it is of
fullness of love and truth.
Here you can see the guardian holding a 3 dimensional, Flower of Life, carefully, gently and
respectfully , while yet snarling protectively. So this secret is definitely protected by
powerful beings!

Reny’s ego bloated up , as he haughtily handed over the copies of the one of its kind “
Masterkey to Love & Life”, or “ Flower of Love, Wisdom and Life” to all known friends and
acquaintances, all intelligent and high calibered people of Montpelier, Capital town of
Vermont.
Reny gloated , now he would be the talk and toast of the town, around where he had stayed
for around 4 years. He envisioned talks, interviews, circle of friends and workshops.
But instead of being appreciated, in such an intelligentsia, first he was thrown out of the
house where he was staying in the middle of winter, in blizzard storm conditions, asked to
go and stay at the shelter in the next town.He was not served in any of the outlets in
Montpelier, where he used to be a regular. In one of the food outlets , where Reny used to
hangout, a policeman served him notice , asking never to come to that pan-pizza outlet again.
Having no place to go , or money, nor family or friends, Reny hitched a ride into Burlington
City , Vermont. Stayed there in a poorhouse or shelter. Had food from the soup kitchens for the poor.
But Reny had faith, my Divine Mother will show me a way.

The Burlington Shelter opened only after 6.00 pm and you had to leave the place by around 10.00 am in the morning. When you entered , you had to put all your belongings into a black garbage bag and tie it up. You could have a shower and watch TV. The Shelter had separate spaces for Men and Women. The Mens’ Sleeping rooms had around 15 double- decker beds, allowing 30 men to sleep in a pretty small space. Reny felt suffocated and claustrophobic. The people staying there , he could see had serious issues. Some seemed mentally unstable, others on substance abuse, some handicapped, others from military with PTSD, some from Foreign Countries who couldnt speak the languge and some broke and penniless.
Food could be got at the soup kitchens run by charites. Other times of the day you could be at the park, or the library.

Seemed Idyllic, except that during the nights, Reny couldnt sleep.Whenever he slept, he saw in his dreams that he was being raped. He was not only being raped but also tortured. His arms twisted , mouth gagged, legs tight held apart.
Reny saw himself being forcefully restrained by 4 stong men , sometimes tied down, spread eagled and someone thrusting into him from behind, whispering lecherously,” Dont struggle you will enjoy this in time”. After he had ejaculated , then another wouuld take his turn. Flaying and struggling, my arms, body and legs made no difference. I could see me both bodily and in the dream struggling, then at lad t would jump up and sit breathing heavily to see who was doing this , but all were sleeping. Reny always thought he was Macho, but he was no match for this attack , by these men.
He couldnt sleep, these attacks kept going on whenever he slept. No prayers or threats were effective.
In the morning everything seemed normal. The days so beautiful and the nights , Reny was terrified. This kept happening as soon as Reny slept, so he kept awake through the nights, trying to prevent these men, or so he thought at that initial stage from attacking.
The mornings , he felt like he was being monitored, maybe because he was different. He couldnt sleep at the parks, because it was close to the burlington city offices, and some policeman would step up politely from their patrolling and gently say, ‘ You cannot sleep here sir.” Every place Reny went, fiding a spot to sleep, there was always someone there. You couldnt tresspass anywhere, anyway Reny was a black man in a white town. Suspicion immediately fell, if something was out of the ordinary in a majority white populace. Any way the place was filled with houses chok a block. busy streets and shops, it was a city, a beautiful city which police patrolled with a maniacal effort. Which is a good thing, but Reny did not have a place to rest his head. The only place was the library , where sleeping and relaxing was frowned upon.
Burlington City was a beautiful place to wander through. Lake Champlain gorgeous. Sunsets and Moonrises thrilled me to the core. But grogginess set in, due to sleep deprivation.

Nights the attacks just kept happening. Was it because he was staying at the shelter with evil intending men?  Or Was it because some one or something has found out that Reny has discovered a Secret of Secrets, which could release man from the clutches of whoever it was that kept man under its ignoble hold? And they wanted to either get Reny under its clutches as soon as possible, if not controlled then destroy him.
What was happening , was this a sort of psychic rape? Why was this happening to a man dedicated to the Divine Mother, totally at her mercy for the last 5 years (2007 - 2011). Did you not reveal the Flower of Life, Where then art thou to protect me? Is it one of your sports, dearest Lalitha Maha Tripura Sundari. ( Lalitha meaning the playful one)
Is this how you play? Do you want to see how I can handle this show. I can handle being thrown out, poverty, no home, no wife, no father, mother brothers and sisters, no family no friends.
If you are a true Mother, dont you hear you child cry out?
Then why was I being raped continuously from all quarters, mentally, emotionally , now psychically or astrally - which felt so physical. I am deeply humiliated, once a man now Reny does not even have his manhood. He was becoming a shell, afraid, humiliated with nowhere to go.
In Sri Lanka, the women were brutally raped with such nonchalance that you know - This is Evil.
In Kosovo, the rape of women was administed by the then chiefs, to keep the people trapped, terrified, morale low and with no hope. Rape of women was a method to control the dominant population, to break their community spirit, enforce control, break any notion for freedom, encourage distess for submission and humiliation of a conquered nation and to keep it that way. This is the truth you can feel from within, but what has that got to do with me.
Reny was being raped repeatedly and with no sleep he was going into a mode of sleep deprivance.
Still he had faith in his Divine Mother and knew this was a test and soon this too shall pass.
Even this faith was being tested as now the attacks started in the mornings also. No more beautiful peaceful mornings, afternoons or evenings as Reny felt himself penetrated and could hear his attackers’ silent laughter saying you cannot escape me. Reny grew terrified as he became aware of these attacks.
He had to evaluate and intuit every place he had to go and every person he was to meet by using his body itself as a diving pendulum.

A Divining rod, is a L - shaped copper rod, the shorter handle is held in the hand and long handle pointed outwards more so like pointing a gun. The shorter handle held loosely so that the rod could swing in a 180 degree horizontal pivot movement.
When something was asked to higher intelligence , the binary (yes or no)  answer could be had , by the way of  outward indication of  the long handles would swinging outwards  or crossing inwards. If the long handles would swing inward it was “yes” or if it would swing outward the answer was “No”.

A pendulum was a weighted down string. If when higher intelligence was asked a question and a yes or no answer sought. The outward indication would be provided by the weighted end of the string swinging in a clock-wise or anti- clockwise manner. Yes was clockwise and No anti-clockwise.
Since Reny did not have a pendulum or a divining rod, and even if he could fashion on he could use it out in open city, as he would look odd.
So he used his own body as a divining tool. By outstretching his right hand gently and sensing closely in the outstretched palm, he could sense a counterclockwise or clockwise motion which stood for a Yes or No to the question asked. This was how I would intuit where to go, who to meet or even speak. If not I would just remain mum.
One day at breaking point , even after being warned that there was no coming back to the shelter if once left, Reny at 3 am in the morning, deciding to depend upon Nature just walked away from the shelter, thinking that he would be more safe in the lap of Mother Nature. The weather was also turning from bitter cold winter to early spring.
Eat at the Soup Kitchen
Chant the Mothers’ Mantram
Walk the Length of Burlington
Read at the Library
Sleep wherever Intuition led.
This went on for sometime, till one beautiful evening, the sun setting on Lake Champlain, and a full moon rising over the Burlington, I raising my hand to feel which way to go, suddenly heard a long hauntingly loud “twaaang’, like that of a large steel string, or a tautly tied steel rope break. Looking around searching for the source, it seemed to be  originating from the moon itself. I was amazed and looked around to see if the throng of people around me had heard this sorrowful sound.
Nobody around me seemed to notice anything out of the ordinary. Everything seemed normal, even though at that time time seemed to stop for a long time. Maybe it was meant for Reny only!
I could hear the inner music, the nadaBrahman, and now I was connected to the Moon. Is this the music of the Celestial Spheres that I had read about ?
I could hear the inner music! There was an elation and a sense of joyousness at this event.
Alas, this joy was not to last for any more longer time.
Very soon after this experience, I began to hear voices telling me what to do , giving me instructions , instead of myself intiuting this directly.
Reny mused to himself,” Lets listen to the voice itself, it could be the awakening of the innervoice , like the manifestation of the inner music! Lets listen to the voice , it could also be of celestial origin after the experience of the Nada Brahman.”
This Voice would tell Reny what to do or where to go: and somethings would happen just as the Voice said, but the actual living conditions surrounding Reny would remain the same. ie, the feeling of being used or misused was still there, that Reny was still being raped usually during  after the times of sunset was still there. This was why during these times Reny would keep walking swishing a stick in front and behind him. fearing that if he stopped the humiliation of being penetrated from behind would happen. So he usually kept on walking.
This situation did not change while even after hearing the Nada brahman. But that particular incident helped keep me motivated and in high spirits. It also provided me enough strength to ground myself into what I knew to be true and love.

But the Voice was keeping Reny company constantly. There was an element of lust and lechery to the Voice. Was it feminine or masculine? The way the lust and lechery was told, with no respect to anything feminine - the voice had to be of that of a masculine personality. But the Voice kept probing me for all weakness and prodding me to use my mind in  sexual imagination, not only to please but also to control.
The Voice said that this method was used by sorcerers, high priests and priestesses from ancient times till date to control a group of people or team.
Immediately I knew that this was not of love, that I was seeking. This was a form of controlled slavery without the other party knowing that he was being manipulated. I wanted to get away from the Voice, but it seemed to know exactly what I was thinking, at every point in time , it had a ready logical answer for everything.
Let me be honest, let me admit that I did listen to this compelling voice, it came from within, seemed to have a very powerful personality and I did sincerely listen to that inner voice. I did obtain certain perverse pleasures out of what it said. The Voice knew all my strengths and vices and could push my buttons, oh so easily.
But my faith was not shaken, my faith in my Divine Mother was not shaken,. I noticed that the Voice wanted to block out all the good and beautiful things that I had previously enjoyed. the beauty of nature, the bird calls, sunrises, sunsets, moonrises, and put me into a dark, dry desolate place where there was noone to turn to except the Voice and where I should obey the Voice and then in turn I get material benefits. Simple things like a restful night, some food to eat. These benefits and promises also was always half ended and you had to be completely satisfied with that. I would get a warm place to sleep, but not a room, it would be in the corridor of a house. I would be lead around like a string puppet to that Voice. I was like a somnambulist sleeping but awake.

This kept happening, I do not know how much time had elapsed, seemed quite a long time, or what the date or season. I had neither any company, nor friends, no money, no place to sleep, no interest to read. The Voice just kept me under its influence, Might I add, That I could not meditate, as the Voice would put lecherous and perverse thoughts and pictures into my being while there it stood and enjoyed my misery and my depravity.

he Mystic Sound Current, NadaBrahman or Dhwani is manifestation of God, as my Divine Mother. The unearthly joyousness and the peace that followed albeit a small time. which I could recollect any anytime gave me the courage to rebel against the Voice. I sensed Her presence with me. My faith never shaken and morale to overcome the traumatic moments was restored.
Reny stood his ground, recognized his originality, had heard the NadaBrahman or Dhwani and was clearly aware of the voice as a different entity.

A powerful entity, definitely not that of Light and Love, but of Darkness and possessed a very high degree of intelligence and dark wisdom. It was trying to snatch everything good that Reny possessed, to control and subdue him.
Well not to that degree of understanding as I have now, but in some degree Reny understood that his personality was being erased and someone Dark was trying to possess him. I let the Voice play me. I knew that my Divine Mother would and could step in at anytime.
Reny allowed the Voice to play out the drama fully intended for him. The Voice told him to do this and that, go here and there there, trying to take over the basic intelligence and the inner intuition to be replaced by the direction of the Voice, pretending to be the inner voice.
Twice Reny had decided to walk into Lake Champlain, but Mother Nature with all Her beauty, prevented this action.
Reny knew that there was something terribly wrong and he intuited , the cause of all this wrongful , disastrous happenings is because he was following a spiritual pathway without a Guru. He knew he needed a true guru to get him out of this alive. He prayed with all his heart and soul and begged and pleaded for a true guru , a Sat Guru.
Nights,at this phase of torture,  He couldn't sleep, as it was daytime in netherworld and a drama was being played out to him everyday.
This time it was that of a king, being betrayed by his wife. The next day it was an entry into a world of orgy, where the most beauteous woman would create an intrigue. But all the dramas shared a common theme, in the end ,Reny had to die.
He was cheated, in most of the dramas by the entities morphing themselves as his close family, friends, wife and relatives.
When I say drama, This was a drama happening with my eyes wide open and sitting. I did not know what time of the day it was, nor what month, day nor season.
Reny prayed daily for the Sat-Guru to come and save him.
One stormy windy day it happened. In the world of hellish dreams, during the final stage , where Reny had to be killed by assassins, Reny with his back against the wall in real time, so that nobody could attack him from behind.

Then , all of a sudden, Reny felt a body , sitting back to back and breathing heavily. Reny held his breath to check whether it was himself, still he could feel the heavy breathing of a very strong and powerful man.
Reny asked ,”Who is this?’
He said, “I have come, you called for me and I have come.”
“ You just sit still and relax, Don't worry at all, I shall take care of this situation.”
In all this wakeful night dreaming Renys’ state was that of a blind man, He could only sense and feel but couldn't see in that netherworld. Some of the scenes he could see, which he was allowed to see, it seemed. But the intrigues,  attacks , someone whispering close and saying things aloud for me to hear, who was whispering, I couldn't see. It was as if Reny was blindfolded purposely during these moments.
That night Reny rested fitfully and peacefully, knowing well that my Divine Mother had responded to my prayers.
He got up early next morning and whispered, “ Are you still here?”, to his invisible ally. “ Where you hurt last night “, as it was a terrible fight with the assassins just rolling in from all sides.
“ I am still here my son, dont you worry about me, I cannot be hurt in any way, Son, Just relax. Do not stress, just Relax. “
“Who are you?” asked Reny.
He replied, “ I am Babaji.”
“Which Babaji are you ?” , (as in India every saint was called Babaji, which meant respected father.)

Reny flashed in his minds eyes all the pictures of revered saints, whose names and pictures, he had come across. When it came to the picture of Mahavatar Babaji, He replied “ I am He.”
Reny couldn't believe his ears. No it couldn't be true, why this was a sinner in all ways. I couldn't attract the mercy and grace of such a towering giant. It must still be that evil demon playing me, this time from a different angle. A new drama!
But this voice, was so gentle, so loving, he called me Son. I had felt so soothed and had slept peacefully that night. Could it really be?
“It really is.” Babaji insisted. He said “ Look”.
I could see Him sitting in the chair of my room.
Still unbelieving, I insisted to Him and said, Knowing that I am no saint, “ Will you be with me always?, even if I do something wrong.”
He said,” I will always be with yo, my child. Even when everything that you do wrong, I will be with you,”
I was thrilled by this and for eliciting this promise. But still a small nagging voice at the back of my mind, unbelievingly saying, “ No, this  cannot be true, this really coudnt be true!”
The moment this came into my mind, I could hear many of the characters involved in the awakening dream drama say, ‘ I am Babaji.”
Many of the dark entities, had donned the white dhoti and  wearing an over- the- shoulder sash as Babaji wore , came in front of me, saying “ I am Babaji.”
It seemed so funny, one of these entities had morphed into my birth father, dressed in a dhothi, saying, “ i am Babaji.” Did these entities think that I , would be confused or did they think that my psyche was so destroyed that I would believe them.
But I was horrified and angry that they would make that claim, as all the heavens and the hells, all demons and ogres and asuras and djinns , all devils of every cadre and category should know Babaji. He is alive and working on this earthly plane right here, right now. Now these idiot dark entities makes claim to be Babaji. It was really infuriating, one good thing happens and here they try to snatch it from me?
Even though the drama turned foolish, these entities taking form of the ones that I love and cherish, began to torture me from within my body.

The body, the Annamaya Kosha, I could see was like a city from within. Now , after the appearance of Babaji, I could see with my inner eye more clearly.
The city within had zones, from which channels were leading to and from, there are temples and sacred spots within the body.The Head contained the openings of the eyes, the third eye or ajna chakra, and canals leading out to the ears through Nada Brahman or Dhwani was heard.

The Dark entities were organised like a clan of rogues with a King.Rogues as they had no respect for their king, other than afraid of his might and intelligence. But the king needed them so they would even get away with cursing and fornicating before the king. And like Rogues they craved for lust fulfilling and laviscious deed, which goaded them to do any depraved act. Their King was only totally a larger version of them with a lustier appetite and demonic intelligence. He knew everything about the vices and controlled the clan using that as his power base. Totally sexually perverted and depraved he took any woman he pleased, any time and wanted more and more control over more and more humans.

The king kept satisfying his lust and created lustful events, orgies and like situations for himself and  the clan. The women entities were a depraved lot, wanton and lustful, Using all their sexual energy and perverted mentality , creating intrigues got what they wanted.
The king would order their clan members, the women to sit at the ears and to wail to block out the Nada brahman  Dhwani.
The king would sit at the ajna lotus and smoke the place with all kinds of pungent foul and evil smelling unguents like sulphur and garlic and fill the area with evil smelling smoke, which would cause the eyes to tear and nostrils to smell stench. He would make everyone defecate in this place. I believe that the ajna being the command center, he could cause a lot of confusion to me, by not having clarity. The sacred spaces instead of sandal and camphor to be held pure, it was desecrated.

At the location of the spiritual heart, they had turned it into an area for orgy and had defecated all around.
At the physical heart, an entity was stabbing with a short kitchen knife.
Groups were sent out to severe channels that led into main zones of the body, like drying out the canals or pipes by re routing them and defecating in the main canals.
It seemed as they knew Babaji and my Divine Mother in the form of Dhwani or Mystic Sound Current was going to save me. They abandoned all pretense of all kinds of drama and now they were set on killing me from the inside.
Sometimes when things were getting really bad , my mother would manifest as Dhwani and cleanse me.
But the two she-devils at the ears would be shrieking like banshees and Reny would hold his ears tightly closed.
Reny during this progressive stages of attacks would be lying down like a dead body. Breathing heavily as some entities attempted cutting the air passage from within. Sometimes flaying his arms helplessly to ward off, as other entities attempted slashing his feet and hands.

Babaji would be smilingly and calmly sitting at the top of my head, which seemed to be the only unpolluted space. Some entities  would attempt to climb up that position so as to desecrate that place, but they would be prevented by Babaji. He was a martial artist master, so agile , so quickly he could descend and cut of the movemnt of the enemy. I always pictured him to be the quiet and shanti shanti types. But here he was a master strategist and a untiring fighter. Whenever major mutilation was attempted He would swiftly go down and attack those dark entities in such a manner , that they would be decimated before they could regroup. There was no death in that netherword , or within my body, all the cuts of both the entities could be healed , but there was pain and hurt.
Something Reny noticed interestingly was that these dark entities, couldnt see Babaji the way I could. To their eyes he appeared in a frail and weak body. It was like they couldnt see him for who he was and even his might was hidden from them.
I could see how infinitely more intelligent and his strategy playing out so masterfully, without disturbing my mental modifications or hurting my process of thinking. He would just enlarge the picture, slowly without making me overwhelmed. Like a mother and father and the closest confidant and ally all rolled in one. He never once pushed his guru-hood in front of me, never ever to this day. I just loved him more and more. I respected his every move. The dark wisdom and their control mechanisms never stood a chance with him. I could see that even they were dumbstruck as how this frail weak bodied ally of mine, could wreck such havoc on their plans and physically attack them with so much efficiency.They just did not understand and left this happenings to fluke. They were many and we were just two.
But they could sense my confidence, and therefore they decided to work faster and harder to kill me and the person who was helming me with this new found confidence and motivation to overcome their depraved hold over me.
Suddenly there were no more dramas, but pure intended attack completely from within this time. Guerilla attack on my vital spots, marmas and organs. Cutting off my breathing. Sometimes I had to breathe from my mouth.
Reny also learnt that he could attack them in a similar way as they did. Reny would shrink himself internally and go to the spots where they were, and attack them. It was only for a few moments as they would regroup and keep attacking from different angles, as I secured a vital spot. But it was a relief for a certain time . It got me some breathing space.

This particular phased attacks kept on for about 3 or 4 days. One day physically and mentally exhausted Reny dozed off. When I got up, I saw a new drama being played out, the crucifixion of the Christ was the setting. When Reny looked closer, he saw that they had somehow captured Babaji while I had dozed off, They had put a crown of barbed wire on his head and hammered his feet and hands with large iron nails on the wooden posts , lashed together like a cross. Most demos had transfigured themselves into my family members and relatives and were dressed in the fashion of that roman era. One of them was repeatedly stabbing with a spear on the right flank, saying,” I want to see blood and water flow.”

I watched in horror as another demon was dipping a pole a fixed with some rags into a bucket filled with poison. I could smell the poisonous fumes from where I was rooted to the ground, as if frozen in grief. The demon dipped the rags into the poison and was forcing Babaji to drink, and was slathering all the flayed flesh with the poison.
Another kept repeating “Die, you Babaji, die.” As I watched one had clambered to the top, untied the ropes, and brought him down, Babaji looked at me piteously and with eyes filled with pain. I knew what these barbaric demons were going to for the next enactment., break his bones. I did not want to stand any more , in growing rage and helplessness I looked around to see what the other demons were doing. They were all rejoicining , dancing, feasting and merrymaking and that too within my body was all this taking place.

In my body was these vile monsters merry making while they were torturing Babaji. In a fit of rage and grief, and to cleanse these foul entities from within, Reny drank a large tumbler of liquid detergent.
Immediately he started to choke on the bubbles formed in the throat. He began to vomit immediately and could feel his throat in searing pain as if  his throat was cut.
After the vomiting, the diarrhea started. This process went on for about 3 times in succession. When Reny felt very weak, he called for the ambulance and collapsed on the floor. The ambulance arrived and took him to the hospital. When he came to, he found himself in the emergency room of Burlington Hospital. They took care of him and admitted him into the hospital.
At the hospital, the violent feeling of purging had gone and the searing pain at the throat subsided, I prayed to my divine mother and Babaji.
Lo and behold, Babaji was sitting by my bedside, smiling sweetly. I smiled back, weakly and in relief.
The attacks of the Dark entities had completely ceased, they were not to be seen or heard.
But the traumatic ordeal had left me feeling like a corpse, all emotions and feeling were wrenched out of me. I felt more like a wrenched out rag or a vegetable.
The Doctors would come and Reny would ask about what was happening to him. They would say , that his brain was firing too rapidly and they needed to slow down this rapid firing of the brain to the spinal cord. Otherwise they could sense no abnormality of any other kind. He was all right in every other sense.
Reny asked for a spiritual counsellor, but no one turned up.
The doctors wanted Reny to take pills which were administered to epileptic patients to stop their seizures. Reny said no to drugs. They said they had to put him on observation for 30 days and then they would review again.

Reny was feeling suffocated in the hospital ward. He would walk around the corridors and he could feel Sri Yuketeshwar Giri walking beside him. The lion like personality of Sri Yukteshwar( one of the prominent disciples of Mahavatar Babaji and Guru of Sri Yogananda Paramahamsa, the founder of Self Realization Foundation) gave me great comfort and got me slowly out of that comatose condition. I thought I would be damaged for life, that was how I felt, hopeless.
Babaji, I could see with me whenever I wished. But what use was I to anybody now. I couldnt walk much, my body pained everywhere. As soon as I walked I felt tired and breathless, I really felt useless to anyone even myself. I just sat and stared interested in nothing anymore. They called me Bipolar having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder! I just said , “ Whatever?” I really did not care wether I lived or died. I was used up.

Babaji never gave up on me. He kept saying,” Relax , son, Dont you worry, I am here with you always.”
He brought me untold peace and calmness. My Divine Mothers presence was everywhere. In the hospital, Reny decided to dedicate his life a chela or disciple to Sat-Guru Babaji Nagaraj.
After undergoing this experience of torture, attack, bending of every thing beautiful into a tragic, malevolent intent to twist into some explanation to show its ugliness. The spirit of humanity sapped out from my body and soul. Reny felt he was a handicap, just a shell of a man. There was no interest in life.No interest in anything, Yet fearful of everything.
The doctors came back after the observation time was over. They said that Reny had to take the medication that they prescribed, or else he would be put in observation for another 30 days. Suffocation, the sharing space with other patients, watching their suffering , the mundane watching of horror flicks on the TV. The same food on the menu, the same boring routine, Reny just wanted to get out, the sun was shining, the birds chirping, flowers blooming.Reny just wanted to get out from the locked ward. Asking Babaji, He said just swallow the bitter pill, and lets get out. The pills, Reny knew was just going to harm him further, but in order to get out, he consented. After 30 days of having these drugs which just put Reny into a comatose, dumb and  life less situation again. What havoc it created within the nervous system , its functioning and side effects, I chose to ignore. But it sure made me dumber and dumber. Reny would sorrowfully smile, the Hospital which was the cure, is now the cause of another disease. What a waste, they had just caused Reny to become addicted and hooked onto powerful drugs, which he was supposed to take for his whole life! There was no cure, the doctors said, “ You just need to take your medications and not stop.” “ You can never stop.’ It was weird that they did not call in any spiritual counsellors who had experience with spiritual awakening or demonic possession. Nor did they care to understand the traumatic effects of warding off possession, or the untiring efforts of mind , body and soul for spiritual upliftment. But when both happen together, the effort in staying alive! They did not care, another patient another day.
The counsellors got me a home to stay, where they used to watch and made sure that Reny took his medications, by the exact time for the day. The care takers actually ticked off on the charts that the inmates took their daily dosage and monitored their conditions , to see if they could be released into society, as they deemed fit. Their emphasis was on the medication not on the physical and mental well being.The fitness certificate they provided would have a checklist saying, he took his medications on time, He washed his clothes once a week, He did not throw temper tantrums, He cooperated with the care givers, He watched TV with the others, Him and the other inmates got along well. But Reny could feel thet everyone was rudderless and helpless. This medication and attitude of the doctors and caregivers made Reny feel like a medicated,comatose , dumb , idiotic puppet with no purpose in life.
He knew Babaji was with him and would listen to him intently. Babaji would say “ Rest, Son. Relax” He was like a mother to me. “ Get up slowly, Roll out on your left side. Take the brush, squeeze the toothpaste, Just a little. Now brush slowly , up and down.” I just took him for granted.
Oh how wonderful it is, to have a friend like that. No Conditions. Just there beside you, helping you always. No compulsions, just there beside you. This is pure Unconditional Love.
To give you an example:
The weather was rapidly becoming cold. the weather changing from autumn to winter. Reny just had on a T-Shirt, a hospital counsellor had given me a reasonably warm jacket, but he had only a pair of sneakers, no gloves, socks, hat,nor scarf to get him through the winter. He was terribly upset about not having these.
The very next day, as usual, Reny went out to the library. Not feeling like reading he sat under a tree outside, just sitting. When Babaji said, “Take off you shoes and put in under the tree, son. “ I removed the sneakers which I had got from the hospital and placed them under the tree. Babaji continued his directions” Walk straight down the road, cross the road carefully , look to the left, look to the right , now cross. Keep walking.” After about a kilometer or so, He said, “ Enter the park.”
I noticed the park was covered by tents and some kind of event was going on. There was a large tent on the left as Reny entered. Babaji asked me to go inside. Inside the tent was piles of clothes, to be given away as charity. I asked for winter boots, the lady working there said with a smile, “there were a couple of them near the entrance, you could try any of them on, if they fit, they are yours.” And there it was a $350.00 winter boot, I tried them on and boy oh boy did they fit. Wonder of wonders! I grew bolder and asked the lady for heavy winter socks. She said there wasn't any heavy ones but I could take two of the medium sized ones and wear it one over the other when the colder part of winter approached. Then I grew even bolder and asked for winter caps and scarfs. She smiled pointed to a large stuffed bag and said, “Help yourself !” I looked inside and there were matching woolen scarves and hats. I took a pair. Then the lady said,” Don't forget to take a couple pairs of gloves, thicker pair for the real cold times and thinner ones for now.” My eyes were brimming when I said thank you to the kind and gracious lady. My eyes brimming with tears, heart cheered and lips smiling, I hauled the loot back to my home, thanking Babaji.  Reaching near the tree near the library, I saw to no surprise, the sneakers were gone. Somebody else who needed the sneaker for that moment had received it. It was then that Reny realized that he had walked barefoot and now had walked back home with heavy winter boots on.
This is how wonderfully my Guru takes care of me. This is just an instance. My life from then till now is filled with these miracles. I wait Sacred Surprise everyday. Thou art my Sun of Love.

Reny had spent a total of 10 years in the United States of America till now. From when this transformation  started , to when  I arrived back to India from the USA, from my 36th birthday on  Nov 2010 to March 2012  the time taken was one year and five months.
Maybe the next phase of recuperation needed my family around me.  From the time of discharge, my brother was in constant touch with me, he wanted me to stay with him as he felt that would help me. The hospital authorities had contacted him in Texas as next of kin and had debriefed him as to my condition.
He arranged a place for me at his house and sent me a ticket to fly down to Houston. Being taken care by my loving sister and brother, who thoughtfully did not for a moment let me be alone by myself, felt very good. Although Reny tried telling them, how could he, even thinking about the events were traumatic, my mind had shut down and headaches would occur.
After a couple of months that it took for the passport renewal, Reny flew down back to his home town of Thiruvananthapuram, Kerala, South India, where he was welcomed back by his parents and brother. They were happy to see me, but they also knew that Reny had “some issues”, and handled me with kid gloves.
In 2013, they wanted me to settle down, Babaji said, “go ahead, dont worry, “

They found a beautiful girl. In Indian customs, the parents choose the bride, with the consent of her parents, and then the marriage is fixed, of course , with the consent of both the groom and the bride. Getting to know about both by being friends, going on dates etc, as in the USA, doesn't quite happen in Indian arranged marriages. Its fairly quick, though I took her out for a couple of dates, chaperoned by her father.
I told her about my likes and dislikes, still asking Babaji, “ Do you want me to get into marriage again?” He just said, “This is your woman. Get married to her.” I had met her in Jan 2013, she was beautiful, with Babaji's blessings and in front of all my family and relatives, I got married on the month of April, 2013. I had come full circle.
Within the quarter of the year, squabbles regarding wealth arose. With father, mother and brothers taking a side and me on the other. Immediately Babaji asked me to pack a suitcase of clothes and leave the house. I and my bride, left to Parangipettai, the birthplace of Babaji. Mahavatar Babaji to the world, was born as Nagaraj, in Parangipettai, Tamil Nadu, South India. I began my meditations there again. This time I had my partner with me on this part of the journey.
Babaji asked me to go to Auroville near Pondicherry,. I stayed there for a while. Heading back we routed ourselves through Tiruvannamalai, Tamil Nadu, South India.

Babaji says, In this world , boiling in tempestuous strife and uncertainty, there is also a boon available for true seekers. Understand and realize that you are all children of God. God is but Love and Love is the source of all creation. Each one of God’s children is beloved. God is Love, Truth, Wisdom and Bliss. Gods Child may see God in his own form, as Divine Masculine or Divine Feminine, as Divine Light or Divine Word, each to what the child knows, understand from his or hers’ earthly existence.
God is above all religions, holy books , theosophy and philosophy. God resides in the heart of his child.
There is a way to activate this process of remembrance or reversal of the forgetfulness, that the child is apart of God, Pure Love. Most of my beloved children forget that the central core of their being is this blazing light of love and the divine dhwani (Sound, Name of God). The human body and its astral counter parts are but sheaths built around this joyous light and music of love. This is the boon available to any true seeker in this era of Darkness.

There is that person who has walked ahead of you, my child, and have experienced all pains, sorrows and ephemeral joys of a human existence. Drunk the cup of sorrow as all of you have and have overcome the process of aging and dying, thus raising mine consciousness above that of a normal man whose thinking and functioning is restrained by the process of aging and dying. this is a man who has sat before sages, who had disciplined themselves with austerities and equipped with wisdom of medicine, alchemy and astrology, for the one and only goal of Self Realization. Had sat at their feet and digested their milk of Wisdom.

They were called Guru Remover of Darkness, they were Siddhas, the illumined Ones, the Accomplished Ones. They had taught, trained and polished me, Nagaraj and bade me fly higher. My Gurus taught me everything they knew and trained me to be one of them. Then they hugged and welcomed me back as one of their own.
Those difficult times of accomplishment and self discipline of yore are not required in this age and time. The spiritual current of ascension, for raising ones consciousness, is much stronger. without going into the difficult stages one had to undergo mastery through yogic sadhana. This is the boon for the seeker of this age.
Now, as I , Nagaraj had surrendered myself, mind, body and soul, for the sacred teachings and sacred knowledge received from my Gurus, you too , my child have to surrender. This is how the sacred space between teacher and student of higher knowledge is maintained. This is how also I as your Guru can protect you from any unconforming influences. This is not as easy as you think, since my child you are bombarded with cynicism and unbelief from every quarter.
My beloved child, rise above those waves of distraction and ridicule and hold me steadfastly in your heart and mind. I will show you the way, and steer your mind and soul through safe waters and captain your ship till you reach safe harbor of Self Realization. This is my promise to you, my dearest child. I shall love you and cherish you, I promise. Because that is the role of a True Guru, a Sat Guru, and this is not a false promise. But this is the choice that you must consciously make. This is the Universal Law. You attract that you consciously choose. Otherwise you will repel, and words of wisdom become pearls thrown before swine.
That is absolutely vulgar, when your true and beautiful Self is veiled by curtains of ignorance. That if you so wish and desire can be torn down, and you my child in shining glory be seen. Is this not what you want? You are the beacon of hope and love for the world. It is you.
My beloved child, this world was created for you. Now look at what it has become. You are the light and love of this world, that you must realize. Come, wake up, I shall be beside you, to guide and help you. First make your life beautiful, throw away the uncertainties and half truths. Hold tightly to what you truly believe to be true and from there we can begin. My wisdom gathered from ages, is yours. So please accept me and allow me into your heart, from where we together can banish the darkness of ignorance, desire, malice, lust , greed, pride, jealousy, anger and wrath. I am Sat Guru, your dispeller of darkness, confidante, guide and friend.
This Flame of Light and Love (God) is hidden within a cave in your body. This is the Heart Cave. You, my child has to surrender to Sat Guru, and offer the seat within this cave. My child, you should travel to this cave, and visit with me as often as you can. I shall keep this flame tended for you till it breaks out into the sun of radiant Love, Light, Truth and Wisdom. For I am Sat Guru.

From the Heart Cave is the origin of the Self, this is the Holy of Holies, so treat this place
with ultimate respect. Here is where you have to go to with intent. Here is the origin of your Higher Self. Keeping on burnishing yourself by using the Flower of Love and with awareness that your thoughts and actions are not tainted at any point by ignorance, desire, jealousy, malice, pride, lust, greed, anger and wrath, my child, the fluctuations of the mind can be stilled.

By going to the heart cave, you will become refreshed and strengthened. From here begins true meditation. Slowly but surely you will be able to hear me talking to you, and communications can be established telepathically. Some of my children are more visual, and some more auditory. So some can see me clearly and some not yet. Some can hear me talking, some not yet.
Again you my child, cannot expect your Sat Guru, to be a play thing, a figment of your imagination. The Heart Cave is where you come to meditate, clear your confusions, and perform with clear cut action in the role you play in the world. For strengthened resolve, to act , you can call me for support, whenever you feel that you are weakening.
This feeling of being loved unconditionally removes the forgetfulness of who my children are, sons and daughters of God. If God has some properties and nature, then who else has them other than his children !