Evolution of love

FAITH AND DOUBT

An old diary written in 1951-52 ( I had my first darshan of Mataji in February 1951) gave me the idea to write this article. That diary was written with the spontaneity with which one converses with one's own self, when one can be certain that nobody else will read one's effusions. I have now translated some quotations from it from French, trying to remain as true as possible to the original. I feel it may serve as an illustration among thousands of how our faith in Mataji awakens, has to pass through severe storms and cross fires of doubt and finally emerges victorious.
Patna, 10th Feb. 51
"This Diary has been interrupted for over a fortnight. I take it up again at Patna ... What happened to me on February 2nd is far more interesting than anything I may have written about before.
"I was coming from Calcutta intending to pass through Banaras hurriedly, to stay a few days at Sarnath and then if I had time to visit Rishikesh or else leave straight via, Kanhangad for Colombo, from where I had to sail back to Enrope on February 21st ... my guide took me to the Sri Anandamayi Ashram. It is a wonderful site right on the banks of the Ganga.... " Ten minutes later Sri Anandamayi Ma appeared at the door of Her room. She speaks in Bengali and Hindi. I could understand Her only with the help of an interpreter. She was standing at the entrance of Her room. I can still see Her focussing Her eyes on me with that gaze I have come to know so well now. That seemed to embrace my whole destiny. At about 9:30 p.m. the kirtan was over. Mataji said that she could give me a private interview immediately.
"B.S acted as an interpreter. I was supposed to ask some questions, but as a matter of fact I had nothing to ask, I only wished to make a spiritual contact. It appeared as if Mataji had divined my thoughts. She herself asked the questions. They were clear cut and precise, and it seemed as it she had guessed what I wanted to know. The interview took about 20 minutes. I went back to Clark's Hotel in strange state. I began to understand what this wonderful being had infused into me: it was divine love, a love which from now on would bind me by indestructible ties - the love one has for the guru..."But I was afraid that this feeling would not last. Mataji had to leave for Vindhyachal, then Patna. I asked Her permission to accompany Her."
(In this case the initial experience was very powerful and the intellectual doubting process was therefore silenced. But doubt is bound to raise its head sooner or later.)
Banaras, July 25th, 1951 "... Sometimes a terrible doubt gets the better of me: "This immense love, is it really so different from the love one feels for a woman? Of course there is not room for any unclear ideas. It is an absolutely pure love - and yet it is still personal and limited. Nevertheless, it is something as a perfume emanating from its bottle, it seems to pervade all being and merges it into the quest for the Absolute . How far have I deviated from the firm resolutions of my earlier life, which had until now been the main principles of my behavior: absolute freedom in oneself, to be one's own refuge, one's own law.
"This freedom I have lost. I have become the disciple of the most wonderful of all Gurus, but a disciple all the same.
"Sometimes a longing for the mountains gets hold of me again and I feel like going to a solitary place in the Himalayas and concentrate my mind on the pure Absolute to the exclusion of every things else.
"But at other moments the certainty of being on the right path is so conclusive that no question can arise. All the same these are all states of mind and I have decided to write them down so as to become clear about myself."
(Here is good example of faith and doubt alternating according to the fluctuations of the gunas. When sattva prevails there is evidence of being on the right path and questions seem an absurdity. When rajas gets the upper hand. The ego raises its hood and laments at its lost freedom. When tamas dominates one doubts the degree of purity of one's love for the Guru).