Angel Whispers

Missing Pieces

Does anyone ever understand or feel at ease with this thing we call life?

Things change constantly. I know that much. Nothing is guaranteed and no one can predict the future. When I started this blog over ten years ago, I could never have envisioned what lay ahead and a good job too.

I could never have imagined I'd be living here, alone with a cat and a scattered family with problems I could never have predicted. But such is life.

I don't regret my decision to move to a new town and am happy with my home, neighbourhood and surroundings. But nothing is ever perfect and of course there are things I miss.

I miss my church. Regular readers will know of my Spiritualist beliefs and even though you need no church to believe, I always enjoyed the light hearted services and uplifting messages I received in the little church in my old place of residence. Surprisingly there is no Spiritualist church in Newark and the closest one only holds services on Sundays which is when my son and family generally visit. I hope to be able to attend at some stage, even though it's not easy to get there.

I miss my hairdresser. The salon I used in Kirkby was more like family to me, but it would be difficult for me to return there regularly. I have tried one new one here, but am not impressed. There are loads of salons to choose from, but many are far out of my price range and I could keep on trying different ones and still not find someone who could cope with my mane. Hair is in limbo.

I miss my Knitters and Natters group. It was a small one, but always very relaxed and good fun. I've found one here and reserve judgement, but so far I don't feel like I fit in and am conscious there is no evident wackiness. Same with a writing group I've attended. I will be patient and hopefully find the wacky company I crave at some stage.

I miss the Craft shop in Kirkby. As a town it had little to offer, but the paper crafting shop was unlike any other I've found. I can find and buy any craft materials I need here or online, but there is no place dedicated to crafting or offering workshops like the one there. I return when I can, but wish I could find something similar in this area.

But ultimately all these things are trivia. Most of all I miss my husband and the life we shared, even if it was rather mundane. I think the times we spent in the USA and our holidays abroad were probably the best times of my later life and now I miss them so much it hurts. I don't think I'll ever be able to holiday alone and even if I did, memories would haunt me. Sometimes it's the small things you miss, even the irritating and annoying ones. I don't profess to have had a perfect marriage and admit there were times I resented my husband's possessiveness, insular attitude and annoying habits, but that was my life for thirty five years and adjusting isn't easy, particularly as I'm perfectly aware things aren't going to improve or get easier as I age. Losing him so suddenly, in such awful circumstances will always mar any feelings of joie de vivre and knowing the ensuing family problems would break his heart, breaks mine too.

One day at a time sweet Jesus has been my motto for many years, but without my parents and my partner I confess I feel like I'm walking on a tightrope on a daily basis. Life is surreal and ever changing. I know not what the future holds, none of us do, but if I had one wish it would be for peace of mind. Anyone have the recipe?