Can We Talk 2

An Aging Parent

         My Dad us 91 plus. I know he's slowing down. He has more complaints about body aches and malfunctions. He's feeble on his feet. I have to yell to make him hear me. I won't let him drive any more. (There are dents in my car to show why.) He talks in his sleep and has trouble waking up and transitioning into reality from dreamland.

         On the other hand, he's never spent a night in the hospital, never has surgery, never any major illness. His eyesight and hearing are his biggest handicaps. The doctor told me today there are things they could try for some of his joint problems, back problems if he were younger and had a stronger heart. He can't address the sleep issues because of his age. Fifteen years ago, these things were still a possibility, but the risk is too great now.

         The most depressing part for me is that the doctor says he should not be left alone. The memory and difficulty waking up will probably get worse and could be dangerous. So now I feel like a prisoner. I sort of knew that already, but this drove it home. Now I feel guilty volunteering four or five hours at the local historic theater. I'll never be able to go on a vacation again. He can't travel, and I don't have anyone to trust caring for him in my absence. I'm not getting any younger myself. There is every reason to believe he may outlive me.

         He worries about getting in and out of the bathtub. I've told him we need to have a walk-in shower or bath installed. He doesn't seem keen on that. He worries about going up and down the steps in our split level entrance. He does not want a senior home, and really can't afford one on his income.

         There are so many things to study: the available senior homes/communities, home care, how to keep from losing all his assets in case he needs full-time nursing care or mental health care. (I could end up homeless while he's in the nursing home.) My brother and I want him to be safe and happy. He loves seeing his grandchildren and great grands. There are so many legal angles. A Power of Attorney doesn't always work. Transferring property and assets to your children doesn't always work either. When it does work, it has to be done five years before any long term nursing needs come up. You really have to plan ahead. You can't wait until the need is there. He had a lawyer and a financial adviser, and neither foresaw the problems or advised him of options.

         The bottom line is that the individual or couple need to plan as soon as they retire or at least by age 65. They cannot wait until their 70's or beyond and make plans. The children should never count on any inheritance, but should protect themselves and plan for their own retirement and final years.