Wonderland 2020

B-1: Much Too Big

WONDERLAND
B. "The Pool of Tears" | 1. "Much Too Big"

Prompt ▼

Alas your newest dish has just made you ‘too big’ - quick! List ten things you would be able to do while in this state and why you would do them.

If I were 'too big' I would do a number of things. Please note that since the prompt doesn't specify whether 'big' is an indicator of height or girth, the first five are the former, and the last five are the latter.

TALL

1. Dust the high, hard-to-reach places without the use of a ladder. Sometimes the best dreams are the simplest one, and it'd be nice to not have to lug a ladder or step-stool out of the closet every time you needed to reach the top shelf.

2. Try out for a walk-on spot as a center for the Sacramento Kings. This would serve the dual purpose of allowing me to call myself a professional athlete (albeit briefly), and give my grandmother (a lifelong Kings fan) the thrill of her life. As a bonus, as far as NBA teams go, I'm pretty sure the Sacramento Kings couldn't do much worse, even if basketball is my worst sport.

3. Rent a Miata or other compact convertible and drive the length of the Overseas Highway between Florida City and Key West with the top down. Because there are few things funnier than a big person in a tiny car, and I've always wanted to drive the Overseas Highway, so why not enjoy the experience in style (and good humor)?

4. Try to get a cameo on professional wrestling, a monster movie, as a mascot, etc. Big guys are always needed in the entertainment field. While I usually avoid being in front of the camera, this feels like one of those unique opportunities where I should use my irregular size to maximum effect and put it to use on screen or in person.

5. Call the Guinness Book of World Records and get a certified world record. While I'm at it, I might as well set some kind of size-related world record and have something to show for this whole ordeal when it's over!

WIDE

6. Take a bunch of time-stamped 'before' pictures. Since my 'bigness' will be for a limited-time only, I would get a bunch of time-stamped 'before' pictures taken so that when I revert back, I could take the 'after' companion pictures and then go around to all the weight loss programs in the country and see which one will pay me to be a spokesperson for their program. (Okay, I wouldn't actually do this, but it would be a great way to make money!)

7. Sneak into sea world and try to "beach" myself in the amphitheater tank like one of the dolphins or orcas. I've always thought sliding into the shallows in that tank would be fun, and if I were excessively large it would make that much more of an impressive spectacle.

8. Sit on one side of a teeter-totter/see-saw and see how many other people had to pile up on the other side to lift me. Mostly, I think it would make an amazing photo op and I'd be genuinely curious to see how many people it took to lift my seat off the ground.

9. Have someone roll me around Violet Beauregarde-style. Just like in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY when she turned into a giant blueberry and Oompa Loompas had to roll her out of the room, I'd have someone roll me in a similar fashion. Mostly because I think it would be a fun way to travel (assuming it was a very short distance).

10. Sign up for a dunk tank to see how much water I can displace when someone finally dunks me. Ideally, it would be a very high-seated dunk tank so I could also go for impressive splash distance as well. Hey, you have to have fun where you can!

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