SuperNova Afterglow: End Of Days

George Carlin And Truth About Rage

George Carlin surprised me in the early 80s with a revelation during one of his standup specials, I think on HBO. Thanks to cable he didn't have to self-edit about how angry and disturbed he could get. He was a comic genius who could also be quite silly, but I always imagined comics to be funny. There wasn't another side to that coin. And what he helped me realize was humor can come from rage and deep-seated feelings that need construction expression to fully realize and relate to others who feel the same way but cannot express it.

It was about this time I was also discovering Richard Pryor and his rage. Comics we're opening up about how they felt and how society was affecting them. Perhaps, the origins of self-discovery and pop psychology are partly rooted in standup comedy from this era.

I listen to Carlin relate that his entire day would be ruined if he tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. My mind was blown. I was partially sad to see this side of him and thrilled that the two of us shared a commonality We could get so easily upset about the smallest of things. It might be that we are deep in thought and prefer not be disturbed. The disconnect from our inner processes are startled by simple incidents like this. It could be a child gently asking for a father's attention while busied with writing streams of thought into an internet portal, as my case in recent years.

But when I was experiencing Carlin's revelations, I was insecure around other young adults and just wanted to put on my best appearance. I didn't want to be the subject of ridicule or shame because someone saw me accidently acting a boob by walking into a door. Carlin taught me not to take myself so seriously and learn to laugh at my mistakes, though I doubt he took a cue from his own missive. I think he was just deconstructing what made him so intense, which leant to his comic genius and a wordsmith in his own right.

The whole approach to standup comedy was becoming observations of the world, the human condition. It was searching for irony in the way we are humanly constructed to live with shame, to preen and put on our best appearances rather than show ourselves warts and all. Where it was once funny to laugh at people slipping on banana peels, I developed a sense of self-deprecating humor.


Here I walk into an internet community wanting to divulge the best parts of myself and play upon it because it can be so loving and rewarding. But, when you fall short of expectations and true goals, a writer can have adverse reactions to it. It is a world just like any other that feeds off shame and insecurity to manipulate those emotions, to either nurture or reject accordingly, however it fits in the plan.

Social media; bunch of narcissists. I cannot even imagine a world inside Instagram; and I value my image, my self-worth enough to know where not to reside within walls of indifference. My son, easily accepts these internet living conditions where he will find himself, but cannot find a real world where he can get his course work done and pass his classes to move on to his junior year. He would have gotten academically booted to the curb if not for a pandemic. He is facing humiliation because he could not express the number of times he kept tripping over the same place in the walk, even though family and school stood at the ready to help and support him.

So, today, I doubly fail. First as a parent, which I will live with until this somehow turns around. But second, as a resident of the internet. I trip and trip and trip and smile. I could do a cartwheel at the end, but no one would give a rat's behind. Maybe, I intimidate or piss people off when I get too intense. My goals, my expectations unmet cause me to stew and think I deserve better, and I do. I can't get accepted as I am, because I'm no George Carlin. I have not found an arena for my ability to advance myself and thrive. And, it's all because I hold back.

I learned from Carlin to laugh at myself. But, I also learned not to try. I don't put myself out there to fail, because I never feel supported or ready to try. With enough evidence returning from a world that doesn't appreciate my hostility and how it's revealed, I'm unworthy of further foray. I feel like being a cog in the surrounding systematic indifference applied, rather than a finely oiled thing that could keep this machination inside the internet moving. I burn to be the thing that smokes and smolders within a negated existence that offers phony platitudes and 'thank you for not smoking' warnings. People need hear hard truths the way Carlin revealed them to me.

I'd say that's the end, for now.
To be edited later. 5.24.20

My apologies to my son who I am trying to support. I'm taking blame for his situation. But, it's time he take ownership of his own mistakes and start being a man.

This is probably just the first of my blog entries revealing feelings about manipulation and corruption on the internet.