%%USERNAME%%    %%ACCWORDS%% %%ONOFF%% |
 |
Crush enemies, abandon hope, and unleash endless waves of unrepentant sarcasm. |
|
There's nothing to see here that's really out of the ordinary. Nothing really terribly interesting either, unless you like griping, gossip, grudges, and possible mental illness. If anything it's some small way to keep myself writing (though you'll see by the dates on the entries that it's by no means an effective way), as well as a means through which I can vent about any number of things that are pissing me off. Occasionally there's pie. Look: I'm not a normal person. I'm suffering from untreated depression and plagued by increasingly frequent migraines that pretty much render me bedridden for days. I've suffered a lifetime of abuse and neglect, and still have to struggle with unfathomable depths of low self-worth, not to mention the eating disorders. I'm a weirdo, a freak, an aberration of nature and human experience . . . but it doesn't make me interesting. So, you can read this if you want. I've got some social commentary that might be a little fun, and occasionally throw in a poem or two, but for the most part it's the ramblings of a stricken mind. Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain; she's just trying to change her dress. |
| Oh hey, I forgot about this thing. Well, long story short, I got on medication, I turned 27, Will is a confirmed hire at Celerion, and I've thus far failed miserably at NaNoWriMo, despite setting a goal for only half the standard length. To expand a little further: On Monday I went back to Fan Free Clinic for my consultation with one of the counselors about medication. It all went fairly well, and I walked out of there with a prescription for Sertraline, which could be filled at the Walgreens they said was three blocks away, and that would cost, according to them, four dollars. Well, the Walgreens was the better part of a mile away from the clinic, and my medication cost 24 dollars, six times what I thought I would get it for. Ah well, that's not a huge cost for my health. I took the first pill that night around the same time as my birth control. Deja vu set in when, just like the first time I was on Sertraline, I woke up in the middle of the night needing to throw up. The 28th had become the 29th, and I spent the first three hours of my birthday dry heaving. I felt a little lousy the rest of the night, but not bad enough to call off dinner with Will. Using one of the cards Ted gave me when I left the IRS, we went to Olive Garden, my first time ever. It was quite nice, though the bread sticks were very salty. Further highlighting how awesome my boyfriend is, my present was a very nice copy of A Study in Scarlet. I've been looking for a nice copy for sooooo long. I'm so happy he remembered. I haven't finished reading it yet, because I keep getting too tired to read at night, but I like it so far. I didn't sleep at all Halloween Night, probably because I had a coffee about three and a half hours before I went to bed. It made for a miserable Friday and first day of NaNo, but at least work wasn't so bad. We've almost filled the evil death study, though Ayana says we'll be seeing studies with similar stupid requirements soon enough. If so, I hope Wanda has me working more hours. That's about it, really. I want to try my hand at NaNo, but my muse is more or less dead. I might run out for some vodka in a bit, just to calm my nerves. I know I shouldn't drink while on Sertraline, but I did it for over a year last time, and no ill effects were noted (if you must know why I endangered my health in such a careless way, it was because I hadn't known I was supposed to avoid alcohol while on the medication, and I found out while Wikipedia surfing or something. Whoops). I hope Will comes over tonight. I really want to put the condoms I bought last month to good use. |
| For the last two mornings waking up has been painful. I've been so exhausted I feel ill even reaching for the clock. I hope I am not getting sick. Sara's moving out on Sunday. That was . . . abrupt. As much as I am frightened by the extra cost for rent and utilities, I'm actually kind of glad she's going. I'm so fucking sick of hearing her sob as loudly as she can because somebody made a joke that she took the wrong way. Also, I'm fairly certain she knows we can hear her. I really have come to dislike her. I should be more sympathetic toward a fellow depressed person, but she's been milking it for all it's worth. Hysterical crying because she had a bad muscle spasm, crying because her ass got drunk and made out with a guy who was in a relationship, and more crying because she's failing out of school. Not to mention getting drafted to take care of the damn kitten. It was a nice thing that she and Michelle did, rescuing a kitten and trying to give it a home. The problem was, he needed to go to the vet, and we were all supposed to help pay for that. He needed neutering, and we, not she (the person who wanted to keep him in the first place) had to pay for it. Time to buy food, and she got Michelle to pay for most of it because she couldn't access her bank account online (I doubt she has gone to the local branch to sort it out even by now). The kitten needed company, and she didn't want to have him in her room because he still had fleas, and she couldn't handle his crying, so it was up to me and Chris to take care of him. She wasn't cleaning up his litter, so guess who had to do it. Sorry, but I've played this game before: your decision, your responsibility. Especially since I have no money and my parents cannot help me out. I just don't have time for childish games, and she's about as childish as they come. I don't know, maybe I am being way too hard on her. She does have some real problems, I'll give her that. She just doesn't have the ability to resolve them or cope with them that most people her age should have, so everything ends up getting out of hand. Doing poorly in school? Well, for a start you could stop drinking so much, get rid of the kitten that's causing you so much grief, and then buckle down and do your school work. But she did none of that, and now she's flunked out. No money for food because you got locked out of your bank account over bad passwords? Call the bank, or go down to the local branch and explain the situation. She didn't feel like it, so now she's hungry. Depressed because you made out with a "cute" guy at a party that you can't remember the name of, or even what he looks like? Don't drink so fucking much. I guess I'm just angry that I'm going through so much hell despite working my ass off to fix everything and do everything right. People willingly putting themselves in bad situations or setting themselves up for failure are just stupid to me. |
| So Will had his interview with Wanda, and she said he would be perfect for the position. He should be getting a call very soon. I hope tomorrow! I'm still nervous about it: I don't have a lot of faith in his computer skills, and it freaks me out a little that we will be working together. All I can do is pray I get either the IRS job or the office manager job I interviewed for on Tuesday. I doubt it, but you never know. I also had my first appointment with mental health at Fan Free Clinic today. It's sad that I checked almost every box of "stuff I would like to work on or discuss" on the handout. The pen was gummy, so I was fighting it for the first page. Despite my struggle, Dr. Lerner commented that I have very nice handwriting, and even asked if I had gone to Catholic school. Apparently students from Catholic schools have very nice handwriting. As many comments as I get on it, I still think it looks really sloppy. She stated that I listed pretty much every symptom of the textbook definition of depression. Then again, I'm under no illusions. I know what my problems are. I also know how incredibly fucked up my mental health history is. I think she was a little taken aback by how nonchalantly I explained my mother's treatment of me. I admit, seeing how someone reacts to hearing all that stuff is always a little cathartic for me. I know it was wrong and abusive and messed up, and I know I've suffered because of it, but it never really strikes me as how bad it was until someone comes out and says, "That's really unacceptable behavior from an adult." I even told her my plans for suicide. I laughed at one point, because it struck me as kind of hilarious that I can explain the details of and my rationale behind my designs upon self-elimination with such a calm and thoughtful manner. She's actually impressed that I thought everything through, especially my concerns about who will find my body and how the sight will affect them. She suggested that I look into a career in psychology for the FBI, not kidding. Apparently I am intelligent and astute. I'll be seeing someone about medication next Monday, the day before my birthday. Dr. Lerner said that they should be able to get me on Sertraline for nothing or next to nothing, which is a huge relief since Sarah is moving out and I won't have any spare cash now. She believes that, with my early onset of depressive symptoms and history of plowing through abuse, that my brain chemistry is so damaged that I will likely have to be on medication for the rest of my life. I myself do not agree. While I was working for the IRS everything was more or less dandy. I got angry, and I got sad, and sometimes I just wanted to spend time alone and game or read or watch something on Netflix, but my emotions were still entirely within the realm of "normal" and I was not facing any kind of terribly difficult mental state. So, we'll see. I will talk to the psychiatrist about that. I hope that, when everything is going decently well again, I won't have to rely on medication for normality. If only Wanda didn't have me working only fifteen hours each for the next two weeks. Seriously, she has me working three days a week. What's the point of hiring two new people (at least) like Amanda (nice girl, by the way) and Will for the evening shift when she could just have me come in every evening? It would save a decent amount of coin, that's for damn sure. Fuck, I just realized something else: she's full-up on vacation time for Christmas Eve. If Will doesn't find another job between now and then, he's going to be working on the 24th. My bitch-out over Christmas will have been totally meaningless. Shit, I don't want Will to miss Christmas. Oh well. I'll just pray it all works out. |
| So somewhere along the way, the people at Emeritus decided they couldn't hire Will for a part-time job because his brother-in-law works there and referred him. It's bullshit that I won't pretend I understand. I had Will fill out an application to Celerion last night, since Wanda forwarded me the employee referral form. I waited until I had the form because without it, his application and resume would have sat at the bottom of a large stack of apps sent in by other job seekers. I had him put me down as a "personal friend" since I don't want a repeat of what he faced at Emeritus. I doubt there will be a problem since we are not relatives, and either way, we won't have a superior-subordinate relationship at work. I wasn't sure when to expect any news, even though Julie the HR rep responded to my email this morning. On the way to work, however, I get a phone call from Will. He told me that he had already gotten a call about his application, and that they wanted him to come in for an interview fucking tomorrow. Talk about a fast response! I gave him some pointers on how to dress and what to say, and reminded him to say that I'm just a close friend. Terri knows he's my boyfriend; I asked her (at Will's request) whether I would face a penalty if he didn't turn out to be a good employee. She says I would not. She asked if it was one of the pot smoking roomies or the boyfriend, and I confessed. She doesn't think it will matter too much if people find out after the fact, but for now I should keep mum. I had better turn in. I have my appointment with the therapist at Fan Free tomorrow. I had a breakdown at Ivan's (in private, of course) and now Will is worried. I'm suprised he hasn't dumped me. |
| No time to really update now, because Will is here, but I don't want to miss out on my goals for this week. Soooooooo, this counts as an entry. |
| Weekly goals for this week (so I don't have to search the forum to find my original post): 1) Continue my trend of updating the blog every day from now until Friday. 2) Pick out the short stories I'm finishing for my NaNo Alternative goal and create outlines for them. 3) Write a poem. 4) Pushups every day! I think I can pull all these off. |
| So in keeping with tradition of life doing things just to bewilder me, I actually won the Daily Flash Challenge for October 17th! It . . . probably had something to do with the fact that I was the only entrant for that prompt.  However, even though I won for the most shameless of reasons (the dreaded "default" win), Arakun the Twisted Raccoon   gave me four out of five stars and said it was funny. Some of the other readers who saw my post deprecating it said that I shouldn't be so hard on it. I guess I did okay for 293 words, heh. Will said he's proud of me  Then again, I could write a haiku about pork and he would like it. Incidentally, he hasn't read any of these, though he says he wants to. I think he knows how shy I am about him reading my crap, and he doesn't want to press the issue. In other news, we're heading to Delaware as soon as I get off work for Ivan's 21st birthday party. And mean AS SOON as I'm off work; Will's got my overnight bag in his car right now, and he's picking me up from the office. I was feeling pretty awful about holding Will behind and making him so late, but turns out the party doesn't even start until 11:00pm. If traffic isn't too bad, we should be there before midnight, so we're not even technically going to be that late. Will was able to borrow a charger for his GPS from Chris Isdell, so along with my printed directions we'll have an easy time. Just so I have a record of this, as I mentioned before Will freaked out the day Dustin quit his job. He had a bad spell while we were trying to find a Lowe's his friend words at, and he ended up stomping on his GPS and breaking the charger. It was good for him, though, because now he's extra careful not to fly off the handle when he gets frustrated) I am to be his navigator. He says he couldn't make the trip without me, and I don't think it's just because I read maps better. ALSO: had my 90-day new employee review with Wanda recently, and she says that I meet all expectations and that I am doing very well. She told me she wishes we had another Part-Time 30 opening she could slip me into, but that she's pulling what strings she can. We shall see. Hopefully she pulls those strings sooner rather than later (or somebody leaves and I can take their place) because I do like working here; I just don't like having so few hours and being stuck in poverty. Anyhoo, time to update my weekly goals before it is too late! |
| Well, in keeping with at least one of my weekly goals, I entered a story for the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge for the second time this week. I'm . . . not really happy with it. It was painful to write (partly because I don't feel well), and while I think the idea itself is okay, it was hard to really set up the plot the way I wanted to with only 300 words. This is one that I will have to expand greatly in order to salvage it. I managed to get a decent amount of sleep last night, despite giving myself less than six hours before the cock's call (or clock's beep). With insomnia, that was may four and a half hours. Enough to get me to the clinic on time. All is set up. I got my referral, and I should be getting a call from the mental health people sometime fairly soon. The NP says that they haven't been busy lately, so I should be able to see them soon. I hope I'm at least a little broken down when I go; I always feel so stupid talking about "hearing voices" and "suicidal ideation" when I'm not actively suffering from anything (fun fact: "ideation" is marked as a misspelling according to Chrome's auto-check). I'm sure they will understand either way, though. More decent news, the NP reassured me that for Ortho Tricyclin, the only drugs that will affect its contraceptive ability are antibiotics. Will can rest assured that my womb will remain empty.  We use condoms every time, so he doesn't have much to worry about, but it's still good to know he's making every (somewhat paranoid) effort to be responsible. She also gave me a pack of regular Ortho instead of "Lo," since I am still having issues with major cramps. I had a bout with those last night. It's actually kind of funny: we popped in "The Haunting" (the original, not that piece-of-shit, abomination of cinema remake), and before we played it I went to the bathroom to get some water. Out of habit, since I knew my period was on the way, I gave myself a wipe, and came up with rather a lot of blood. I ran back to the room, told Will to pause the movie, grabbed a tampon, and ran back zum Badezimmer leaving Will looking very confused. I guess he didn't see me grab the tampon. Five minutes later, as we're enjoying the opening, I get slammed with cramps. Okay, that part wasn't very funny. Will is on his way over now. Ivan's getting a surprise party tomorrow for his 21st, so Will and I are heading to Delaware after I get off work. We're going to be arriving VERY late, but that makes it even more of a surprise for Ivan. Hopefully his constitution is as strong as ever, and he's sober enough to recognize us when we arrive! I offered to stay behind, but Will wants to take me, even if it means we leave super late. I guess the fool loves me, haha. Well, time to plan an excursion! |
| Maroon it is. I won the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge last night! I am very pleased, even if I was up against two other contestants. I actually wrote it while Will was doing his laundry, before I left for work. For such a short span to work with, I think I did very well. Hey Kids! If you'd like to make up your own minds, feel free to visit "Invalid Item"  and tell me yourself whether I pulled it off!Enough plugging now. I really wasn't expecting to win, so this came as a very pleasant surprise. I am rather ashamed to admit that, due to the time, I posted it on Writing-Dot-Com rather hastily, and in submitting a title spelled "Persian" as "Perisan." Whoops. Rectified now. I also made a new folder for all the flashes, since I have been doing so many of them. I really want to edit them very soon. Hopefully I will remember to do so. Now that those contests are past, I can extend them a bit, though I do not want to go over 400 words at the very maximum. It's more of a challenge to keep them short, and I think it's training me to be concise. That's something I am in woeful need of improvement, as you can see if you read this blog. I also had some wicked dreams last night that I wanted to record today, but I have forgotten them. :( Ah well. Nothing to do but chill at my workstation, maybe do a few reviews, and wait for eight. I have my appointment with Fan Free tomorrow morning. I feel silly about it now, since this week has gone so well, but I know it's only a matter of time before the chaos comes back. I just hope I can convey the severity of my depression without feeling presently depressed. |
| No time now. Will update at work. Later, at Work: So I'd like to talk about Will's hair tonight. It's a heavy topic. He went from a sexy beast with an amazing lion's mane, to a sexy beast with much shorter hair. What, did you think he would be less appealing to me with short hair? Well I have to admit, so did I. I was pretty torn up about the haircut, and swore to never forgive Dustin for causing Will so much anxiety. Now, I couldn't really care less. He looks great either way as far as I'm concerned, and I know his mornings are a lot easier to deal with. I also didn't feel like I was going to suffocate during that brief interval I braved the gap between the beds to snuggle with him, so there's that. I feel silly for freaking out so much, but what can I say? During times of uncertainty, all change is scary. But as much as the short hair has changed our relationship (it hasn't), what I really want to talk about is Will's body hair. Now, I noticed during the early months of our relationship (thanks to all the water-themed evenings at Fallout) that Will's chest is mainly bare. He had a little hair above the navel, and a faint sprinkling just above. Now, however, his stomach is getting rather luscious with dark, keratinous growth (I know "keratinous" isn't technically a word, but damn it, it's my journal entry and I'll use whatever fictional language I want. Mae govannen, mother fuckers). He's also getting a very few hairs forming a faint pattern between his pectorals. Not only that, but the beard that took so very long to grow out last time is flourishing, and almost thicker than ever in a relatively short time. Now, how normal is this? I know that biologically men do not stop going through growth and puberty until they are about 25, but I didn't think that hair growth would take so long. I'm not complaining, though. If my man is to be hairy (or in his case, "not bare") then so be in. It's just weird and pretty darn funny. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
That's what editing is for.
