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Crush enemies, abandon hope, and unleash endless waves of unrepentant sarcasm. |
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There's nothing to see here that's really out of the ordinary. Nothing really terribly interesting either, unless you like griping, gossip, grudges, and possible mental illness. If anything it's some small way to keep myself writing (though you'll see by the dates on the entries that it's by no means an effective way), as well as a means through which I can vent about any number of things that are pissing me off. Occasionally there's pie. Look: I'm not a normal person. I'm suffering from untreated depression and plagued by increasingly frequent migraines that pretty much render me bedridden for days. I've suffered a lifetime of abuse and neglect, and still have to struggle with unfathomable depths of low self-worth, not to mention the eating disorders. I'm a weirdo, a freak, an aberration of nature and human experience . . . but it doesn't make me interesting. So, you can read this if you want. I've got some social commentary that might be a little fun, and occasionally throw in a poem or two, but for the most part it's the ramblings of a stricken mind. Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain; she's just trying to change her dress. |
| I got me a temp job! Fucking finally, right? The people at Lawyer's Staffing have come through for me at last, and at 9:45 tomorrow I will be making $13.00 an hour indexing documents. I have no idea how long this assignment will last, but even if it ends on Friday I'll have put over four hundred dollars in my pocket. Every little bit helps right now. Hopefully I'll get the Mapcom job in a couple of weeks and be making money permanently. I really need to keep up my faith. |
| First up in the news: It worked! It worked! It worked! It worked! It worked! Neverwinter Nights is up and running and so far I've only had minor problems. I'm stuck with a peach-skinned, dark blonde model because there's some kind of error when I try to customize appearance that changes everything to a shiny silver-blue. Annoying, since I really like giving all my characters different looks and wild colors. I'm peeping to see if there is a cheat to bring up the character customization page, in case this is a bug that only occurs at the start of a new character. There are a good number of cheats for this game, but I don't think I'll use them. Unlike Morrowind, Neverwinter Nights is playable on its own. My Mapcom interview went really well. I didn't sleep well the night before, so I was worried that would bite me in the rear, but I was nice and awake throughout all three people I talked to. I wore Amanda's blazer, and damn was I overdressed! Buck was wearing a Doctor Who shirt, and of the people who interviewed me Rachel was the most dressed up in her sun dress. I felt somewhat competent when answering questions about SQL, and Christina (my kind chauffeur for the day) said that Buck got an IM from one of the guys who said I knew more about SQL than he was expecting. Even though I've only really glanced at pages explaining it, heh. So I feel good about that. Not feeling so peppy today. Last night I kept getting the occasional abdominal cramp, and after what happened to Brandon I was bolting the Pepto. It may have just been gas, or mid-cycle cramping, but I'm not taking chances. I didn't go out last night, even though Dane and Lauren really wanted me and Will at Fallout. I'm still feeling sluggish, as though I went to bed slightly drunk and have yet to work it all out of my system. I hope I'm not sick (I'd find out, but my stupid thermometer died and a replacement is rather expensive [though not quite as expensive as the Neverwinter package, I must admit {which I've said was the cost of a burrito and drink at Qdoba, so I should stop putting it off and go to Rite Aid already <damn it, now I want a burrito>}]). Hopefully I'll wake up soon and can go out and do things. I need to go for more walks. My stomach seems to be shrinking and I don't want to discourage it from getting any smaller. |
| Download complete, after about five hours. I've gotten to the menu screen. It's asking for a CD key, which threw me for a huge loop, but fortunately GamersGate provides all the keys I need on my GG profile. Just copied it. Going to try to play! |
| Yeah, I'm still playing with the colors on here. I'm very ashamed of myself. I've been sleeping for eleven to twelve hour stretches again, despite my bedtime insistence that tomorrow I'll totally get up around ten or eleven, honest! This time I was trying to recapture a dream about suffering some kind of brain damage and having to undergo an experimental surgical procedure in which blood from the right side of my brain was pumped into the left side of my brain to reactivate it. There's all kinds of things biomedically wrong with that sentence. Brandon texted me that Neverwinter Nights Complete is on sale for $10.18 at GamersGate. NWN is one of the greatest games I've ever played, so you can imagine my frustration at it not working on my Vista laptop (I haven't even bothered turning on the desky in over a year; it's trojan ridden and can only occasionally read discs). I'm really super hoping that this download will work for me. According to the forums, any version after 1.68 can be played on Vista if you run it as an administrator, and it's more than likely that this is the most current version. If it cannot be played, then I have the Vista-compatible NWN 2 to play around with (apparently not as good as the original, but it's something to do). Worst comes to worst, neither can be used, and I'm out ten bucks. It'll be as if I went to Qdoba and got a burrito and a drink. No biggie, even though I am kinda sorta destitute right now (weep). I spent almost this amount taking fucking Meg out to lunch because Christina invited people over on a day when she wasn't going to be there, and kinda dumped the responsibility on me. Meg couldn't even make it to the Village, so we went to Extreme Pizza instead. Not terrible, but I could have spent less money for better food. All because Christina can't keep dates straight and had them come over on the day when she was at a wedding. Am I a terrible person? They did have me over and keep me entertained, but they knew guests were coming. I didn't know I was going to be doing this alone, and I didn't know that Meg was so bad-off from back issues that she couldn't fucking walk. Yeah, Hollywood Cemetery is not ever, ever happening with this woman. Rant over for now. |
I just did a 3,312 character review of a highly-rated story that needed a ton of work. I feel pretty fuckin' good.  |
| I'm so fucking sick of hearing about "bullying". "Johnny spent two weeks in hospital for broken ribs after he was jumped on by a BULLY! Maggie is afraid to go to school because a BULLY follows her around and talks about beating her up and doing other things if he ever sees her alone! Peter committed suicide because he was getting constant emailed threats and taunts, all from BULLIES! We need to find new ways to cope with this bullying epidemic!" You know what? The media and a whole bunch of its subscribers are morons. We HAVE laws in place, the problem is that people have chosen to ignore them because of a cute, identifiable word that NONE of you has any business using for most of your anti-bullying status updates. Pounding someone's face into unrepairable jelly and bone fragments, breaking their bones, or body-slamming them until you crack their ribs is NOT bullying, it's assault and battery. Following people around or sending scores of emails with the intent to intimidate is stalking and verbal abuse. Making sexual comments or demands is at the best sexual harassment, and at the worst sexual assault. These are real, actual crimes that are NOT normal for kids to commit. The word "bully" is being thrown around like it's normal to feel like your life (or chastity) is in danger, and it's just not. There's a massive difference between a jerk who shoves you and laughs and the kid who grinds your face into the blacktop because it's Tuesday and the blood looks better on Tuesdays. |
| It's been an interesting couple of months. And by "interesting" I mean "soul-crushing." I still don't have a job, and I'm down to about $1700. My tax refund should be coming soon, so that will help, but since Chase has decided to reference conversations I've never had with them, I now need to pay an extra $300 a month. So much for all my careful planning. It looks like I may have to try stripping after all, as well as getting SNAP and welfare if I can. I know Will doesn't want me stripping, but I'm not going to starve again. Those days are over. The suicidal thoughts started up again sometime in early February. I tried to block them out, but ignoring them never works. I still haven't told Will about how bad it can be. He does know that I'm struggling with depression, and he's making a huge effort to see me as often as he can. He feels bad for standing me up (inadvertently, though I feel he should know better when it comes to Dustin taking him on "short trips"). I shouldn't have doubted him, though. He says all the time that he loves, so why should a few hours of silence or a lost day together be interpreted as him no longer wanting me? It's the depression talking, I know it is. I just need to shake it. Will and Michelle have been a huge help though. I sat with Michelle while she was too sick to move from the living room. She played Skyrim and I pulled out Lappy and played Morrowind. When she was too unwell for games, we watched Monty Python. It was a pleasant bonding experience, looking after a norovirus sufferer and talking a bit about my depression. I spent the next day with Will, first Hollywood Cemetery and then watching the awful Stand miniseries. Terrible, terrible movie. We just finished the Shining miniseries last night; it's by the same director, and like The Stand, the teleplay was done by King himself. But damn, it's so much better. It follows the novel almost perfectly. "Almost" being a key phrase; some of the bits at the end were completely different, and not in a good way. Still an improvement, especially the acting. Molly Ringwald may be the worst actor I've ever seen. She must have been high during the filming, that's all I can say. Thanks to Will and a bit to Michelle, I no longer constantly think of hanging myself from the bridge leading to Belle Island. It's still tense, but my heart is lighter. I would very much prefer to live right now. |
| Full-fledged period. I cramped all the way through dinner and loved every minute of it. I am so relieved, even though my rational side knew it was just late. Will really liked the hoodie, and is now featuring it as his profile picture. He enjoyed dinner, too. I was hoping to share a dessert with him, but we were both way too full. He was set on the Irish Car Bomb Cake, and I was more than happy to get it, but it wouldn't have fit. I'm thinking next time I get some extra money, I'll take him there again for some beers and rum raisin pudding and Guinness chocolate cake. Delicious. But I must flee! Hitchcock is playing at the Byrd in an hour, and Will just called to invite me. I have JUST enough time to run to Rite Aid and get cookies, because I need cookies. |
| It looks like my period has started, not to mention feels like it. I am relieved for the most part, but I will take extra care to make sure this is not just a lot of spotting. It shouldn't be; like I said, the chances of pregnancy were about one percent at most, but what frightened young woman with everything to lose listens to statistics? I'm definitely going to try to get back on birth control as soon as I can. It's a small help in prevention, but mainly I want my pregnancies to be forced to keep a schedule so I don't cause myself undue panic again. Will will understand. But I will update later tonight. Gotta make sure this tampon is getting filled. |
| Yeah, still using a pretty color, even for a worrying entry. My period is late, and I'm starting to freak out. Yes, I had the flu for a week and spent the following week still mostly in bed. Yes, I've been stressed as hell. And yes, my periods have been fairly regular this last year, but my bad cramps have come back recently, so it's possible for my regularity to regress back to the high school levels of chaos as well. But I'm still worried. I know I don't have much to worry about. I've had sex with Will once since my last cycle (which was also a little bit later than previous months), and we used a condom which did not break or slip. He did not even ejaculate in me; I got dried out faster than normal (possibly because of the oncoming flu that hit twelve hours later) and had to stop. So with the standard chance of perfect condom use resulting in pregnancy 1-2 percent of the time coupled with a VAST decrease in sperm levels (as pre-ejaculate fluids do contain small levels of semen), we're talking about perhaps a .1 percent chance of pregnancy, possibly .5 percent. That's just how I see it and I know I may be mistaken, but it's still a very unlikely possibility. I'm still getting freaked out. For one thing, I've had some cramping, but nothing too bad. I cramp after stimulation, which is normal when I'm on or approaching menstruation, but I'm not terribly reassured. I haven't been sweating quite so much either. I should be soaked by now. I was irritable a few days ago, so that's a good sign. I've been too preoccupied with visiting Amanda and my concern to really get in a bad mood, so we'll see. I had a very tiny amount of spotting this morning, but nothing since then, and besides that, it was brown, the kind I should be seeing after the period is wrapped up. I will admit, my periods have been taking their time getting going lately; maybe my uterus gave a pump during the night, and the little bit of blood had been hanging out in my uterus all night and got oxygenated. I don't know. I won't feel happy until I need to break out the tampons and pads. I am taking a nap. I'm just going to wait for this to all blow over. |
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