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My diary! Simple as that, really. :) |
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Just my diary, really!! I'll rate entries accordingly, but I doubt there'll be anything too spicy or foul-mouthed in there. :) Thanks for reading! xxxxxx |
| Heya! Oh dear, it's been a funny few days. On Thursday it was the year's anniversary of my dad's death. During the day I was occupied, so I was fine; keeping busy stops you feeling, I think. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not, to be honest. But then night came, and I was a sobbing mess, just lying in bed crying for Dad, Javert* (who dumped me...in some ways, I still love him; I wish I could be angry with him...), the Angel Sisters* (2 of my best friends who're moving soon) and everyone else who's leaving me for university or gap years in Africa...That's the trouble with being "mature" - the majority of my friends will be gone by next year. Don't get me wrong; I appreciate that I still have amazing individual friends, who I adore. And I am so grateful for them. But the only group I've ever fitted into since I was about 10 is going off to experience the world, except me. And I'm so desperate to. School is just plain frustrating!!! Because I know what I want to do so clearly (singing...*wub*) and school is teaching me, I feel like my time there is being spent on irrelevant things. Except, of course, if /when singing doesn't work out, it will all become appallingly relevant, and I will be horribly depressed. So, all in all, school and the prospect of it tomorrow is not an uplifting business. On that note, I should stop enjoying myself and write an essay about Nazi economy...ergh!!!! More, hopefully more interesting and less of a babbling rant, soon :) Hope everyone has a great day, xxxxxxxxxxxx |
| Hello!! I must make a confession: one of the reasons I've been frantically reviewing as many people's work as possible is because I quite fancied the idea of a journal and thought the gift points I earned could neatly be saved and put towards an upgraded membership...But thanks to the extreme kindness of some sweet person out there, I now don't have to panic about saving them so stingily. Whoever that was, if you ever read this, thank you so much. It really made me smile last night when I realised! Thank you. Of course, it could just be some odd automated thing because I've logged in x no. of times etc, but it's not my initial membership upgrade because this account is oooold (comparatively speaking!) and the email I got did tell me it was an anonymous gift...So thank you repeatedly!!! Anyway, journaling...I can do that. (Oooh, "Chorus Line" moment!) I feel like I could go one of several ways here, the two most obvious being: A) A long-winded explanation of every person, place and action in my usual life, which would bore me and, let's face it, probably you B) I could just go with the flow and continue my journal as I would were I writing it purely for my eyes... I think I shall largely go with the latter. If people wish to get to know me through my journal, they are welcome to do so and I shall be thrilled to answer any questions you have! But if not, that's fine, and I won't bore myself silly by telling you my mother's maiden name and when I bought my cat.(Brown and last year...the cat is insane, which means a fair bit, coming from me...) So... This morning found me distinctly groggy and somewhat reluctant to get up, so much so that I decided to get up an hour later and not walk to my fabulous job interview in the next town. We ("we" being my mother, sister and brother - the family!) were out watching Fatty (brother's nickname, will refer to him as such :) ) dance the day away.He was stunning, by the way; he can be an arrogant little jerk sometimes, but I was so proud. Anyway, I was all set to hop on the bus, but my mum had to drive half way there and kindly offered me a lift, which was great - buses have become so expensive lately, even though I take advantage of my diminutive height and squeakily lie for a child's fare. Once in the next town, I hurried up to what I hope will become my place of work, wait for it...Burger King!!! Oh dear. Well there's no need for me to be so snobby, really. I am a teenager with no A Levels (yet) and a million and one commitments, so if I can get a job anywhere with friendly people and reasonable pay, there's no real reason for me to complain. The slight snag is, however, my vegetarianism...irony, eh?! My interviewer was lovely though, and the girl I briefly encountered seemed nice too, which is a nice change from my current work place ("******* Charcoal Grill, can I help you, please?") He asked me why I wanted to work there - of all the questions! - and I think he may now believe I'm crazy, seriously. I answered that one with something to the effects of "I hear you'll pay me!" and then "Well, this will sound really stupid, but I'm a vegetarian and I'm allergic to peppers, so Burger King is actually the only fast food outlet where I can buy a meal!". Then he asked me how my friends would describe me and I said "Insane." instantly. It was just my immediate reaction; I really ought to think things through more before talking in these situations...Oh dear! He seemed like a good guy, though, so I sort of hope I get the job now. Sounds low, though, Burger King...Screw snobbery!!! If I like it, I like it and what does it matter what anyone else thinks? After the interview, I wandered home, via bus, where I had more food than I had intended and dealt with the stress of that by attacking my piano!! Not literally - I love the thing. But I'm just starting to learn and it thrills me. I still feel incredibly clumsy, like I'm starting walking all over again, but it's so exciting!! I've been playing "Special Two" by Missy Higgins, which I adore, possibly because it's very chord-based and so is easy to play! And then I attempted the "Glasgow Love Theme" from "Love Actually", which my sister got a bit irate about, it being her song and my playing it badly and all...bless!! Sometimes you wouldn't think she's nearly 21. Love her, though. Mum came home shortly after that, and we had a big fight...oh dear. That isn't that common, but more so than I would like - I hate falling out with everyone. It started off as a perfectly amicable question on my part, for something she told me I could have come this term and now she says she can't afford. I wouldn't have objected so much were it not for the fact that my sister (hereafter known by her nickname, Gay. Please no one take offence at these nicknames - they are complicated inside jokes and by no means reflect homophobic or fattist views in our family!! If it bothers you, though, I will happily change them. This is just easiest for me to remember!) was allowed weekly rather than fortnightly singing lessons for months prior to her auditions for theatre schools...argh! Probably very childish of me, nonetheless. It's not an easy time of year for any of us right now so I should be more sensitive. I was very upset by it all, to be honest...my sister can be quite unkind when she puts her mind to it. Being devastatingly intelligent, she's used to her judgements being correct, so even if they're cruel, she'll go ahead and say them, without necessarily trying to understand another perspective. Oh well, no point in dwelling, I guess. Anyway, my answer was to self-destruct as per usual, so I called my friend Man (not her name, but close enough!) to see if she wanted to get together that evening. This sounds harmless enough, and it would have been so, were it not for my determination to eat just one meal a day and obsession with exercise...So her suggestion of going for a nice walk on the coast was great, but probably not what I need. It made me feel much better today, though. I then fell asleep with my lovely cat, Banzai! on Mum's bed, having followed his miaows into the room. He really is the sweetest cat - he's so affectionate. I've never had a cat quite like that before him. Frankly, I need the male human equivalent!!!!! After an hour or so, I woke up and grabbed my music and Edirol MP3 recorder (named Edina :D ) and flapped Mum out of the door to singing - yaaaay! The highlight of my fortnight and, now, week...we negotiated that Mum wouldn't pay for it but wouldn't stop me doing so. s***, now I have to pay out £10 a week for dancing and £35 a fortnight for singing as well as paying for summer schools and sheet music and anything else that might crop up, as it perpetually does...aaaaah!!!!! Let's hope when the Burger King man calls tomorrow he tells me they're making me manager! ;) Singing with the Cowboy Mozart (another dubbing.)...he's the best. I've been to a few singing teachers, but never have I been taught by anyone with Cowboy Mozart's expertise. He's just fantastic, and has great facial hair to match! He's a stunning teacher, a brilliant performer, a wonderfully kind person and he just plain makes me laugh! I owe him so much. He tricked me into singing pretty high today, without my noticing (I don't have perfect pitch) - I did a high C in my warm up and had no idea I had gone up that high...haha! C is my pet hate. It really isn't too high for me - I happily blurt out Ds and Es and sometimes Fs and Gs...but the C just sounds bad! So that was an especially proud moment for me! In the lesson I sung "Stars and the Moon" by Jason Robert Brown, "Unexpected Song" by Andrew Lloyd-Webber and "I Could Have Danced All Night" by Frederick Loewe - I love musical theatre! Not my best lesson, but by no means my worst. Every lesson with my teacher I come out of it genuinely feeling I have grown a little better. Cowboy Mozart is a wonder! Then walking with Man, which was lovely. We hardly ever hang out any more, which is bad...Until recently, I deliberately avoided her, to be entirely honest. When my father was ill and just prior to that, we saw a lot of each other; we became close very quickly. But, like all rushed affairs, it didn't last...We were very different, still are, in some ways, and I wasn't secure enough at that time to just happily be myself with her. I became someone else when we were together, and I didn't like that person. So to avoid her, I avoided Man. Hardly fair on her, bless her. She's a great person, really sweet and caring. I admire her a lot. We went for a good long walk, along the beach by my house, along another and eventually somewhere near our school, which is a far cry from home, especially by such a round-about route. I was pretty tired, partially from clambering all over the rock faces of the last cove we walked around. We rested for a while, just nattering about everything really. Man and I never run out of things to say. We're a good pairing, I feel, but then I think that might just be Man. I think she's worried about me now, because I asked her if she minded my telling my mother we'd been to her house and I'd eaten there - I didn't think it would be fair to just lie and use her like that and I wanted to ensure my mother wouldn't worry for the same reasons as Man - and now she thinks I have an eating disorder...ergh. I think she's comfortable-ish with it now, but I feel guilty for concerning her like that. But I'd feel so guilty if I had another meal today...I'm in that mind-frame this week where food just is the enemy. It's not healthy, but it's how I lose weight. I have such an obsessive nature...I sort of hate that about myself, but then I think it's what pushes me to achieve, so... I should leave now...I have to work to do, it's late and my head aches from staring at this screen and not having a glass of water beside me!! I might brave the scales again tomorrow morning...I've been too scared to weigh myself for quite a while now, but I might feel confident enough to tomorrow. I still feel huge, though - a lot of my clothes are too small for me, and it's not like I've ever been too thin (I'm "broad" according to my friend "Herbert" the other day...thanks, sweetie.) Good night, all!! Thank you if anyone reads these...I'm sorry this entry has been a tad depressing, but, really, it's not. I'm smiling. :) xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx |
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