Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1416345-Deepest-Thoughts
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Thoughts escaping my mind |
Size: 20 Entries
Created: April 20th, 2008 at 5:40pm
Modified: February 20th, 2009 at 8:52pm
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I believe in the therapy of writing down all of my deepest thoughts. I also believe my thoughts can be used to inspire someone else who is experiencing life in the same way I am. I challenge myself on every entry to search the deepest parts of my mind and soul. I am usually surprised at the outcome. I am hoping you, the reader, will be also. Enjoy, as you begin a new journey into my deepest thoughts.
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February 20, 2009 at 8:52pm
February 20, 2009 at 8:52pm
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It is easy to want to give up. Sometimes I think I have given up. I know better. I know I don’t have it in me to let go completely. There is a spark somewhere inside of me. Sometimes it burns. Sometimes it burns out. People throw water on it, and every day circumstances kick up the wind. Just when I’ve quit trying for a second I realize my spark is out. I can try to ignite it over and over, but if I don’t have the right force, it’ll stay out. I know how dangerous it is for the spark to be out, but I also know how miserable I feel. I know how much I crave for the spark to burn again. I just haven’t found a lighter yet. I can see it. I know I will burn again. I know this is just a set back. I know everything will be ok. I know all these things because I have hope. It’s something people and life have never been able to put out. I also have faith. It’ll burn for eternity. So I know my spark will be lit again. Who knows? Maybe I’ll even start a fire.
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February 16, 2009 at 12:35am
February 16, 2009 at 12:35am
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It’s easy to get excited and motivated. The moment motivation strikes it feels like a new beginning. All around me hope flies with grace and courage. What do I do with it? I run. I take off so fast I can’t breathe, and it feels good. I am refreshed and for a moment I believe I am worth it. Then I realize I’m going to fast. My mind can not catch up, and I'm moving so quickly I run right into temptation. I didn’t take the time to let myself get used to the change. So I unexpectedly come to a screeching halt. The ability to do the right thing becomes frozen, and my direction move’s backwards. What happened? I was doing incredible. I was running. Now I’m nothing. Disappointment joins me for a round of pity and remorse. I feel lost. Misery becomes tiresome for me. So I decide to try again. My defeat from before causes me to move slower this time. I am walking I’m moving slowly through the thick fog, and sometimes even darkness, but I’m getting somewhere. The desire to give up is not so harsh, when I realize how long it took me to get to a certain point. From now on I will walk. I will not run. This way I will have stronger hope of reaching my finishing line.
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February 9, 2009 at 12:43am
February 9, 2009 at 12:43am
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I am stuck. I wonder if everyone feels this way sometimes. Are they tired of everything going on in their life at the moment, everything not going on, or things they are made to go through every day? Does everyone at some point, wake up, and want to do something completely different than what they have to do that day? Does everyone feel stuck sometimes? I don’t know, but I know I do. I take a deep sighing breath, and I look around me, I’m just here. Stuck. It makes me question many things, dangerous things I have no business questioning. Then I start blaming people. People I have no business blaming for my insecurities. I just try to find an answer to the dull and agonizing feeling of being stuck. I try to find a solution. There is not one, because in truth, I am meant to be exactly where I am at. Sure, with time, I can change it. Right now stuck or not, I’m here. The funny thing is, everything I feel stuck about, I know I can not live without at the moment. So is being stuck bad or good? It depends on how you react to it. Don’t let it pull you down. Don’t let it control how you manage your life. Just live your life. Maybe one day the road ahead won’t feel so familiar. Maybe it’ll be a brand new happy existence, you’ll gladly get stuck in.
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January 27, 2009 at 2:09pm
January 27, 2009 at 2:09pm
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It is hard to stay on one path. Especially if it is the right path. I know I’m supposed to be on it, and I know I am better off on it, but my knowledge is not enough . There are temptations and desires floating carelessly through the air all around me. Just when I think I’m on my way, I breathe in the air. What does it taste like? Freedom, relief, and pleasure. Is one taste enough? No. One taste is a tease, and it begs for more. So I give completely in. I am liberated, and full of satisfaction. I keep going, thinking I won’t get too lost. It’s just a detour, right? Wrong. After a while the freedom starts to feel like a personal prison, relief turns into anxiety, and pleasure is corrupted with guilt. I am left standing still, observing the consequences of my own actions. The consequences are rough. They carry no sympathy, just ruin. The choice is simple. I go back to the right path. It is harder to walk this time knowing where I’m coming from, but I keep going. How does it feel? Difficult, depriving, and frustrating. Does it make me stop? No. Why? I can see the consequences of my own actions. The consequences are rewarding. They carry no sympathy, just repair. Sometimes you have to get off the right path to figure out you’re meant to be on it.
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January 20, 2009 at 10:10pm
January 20, 2009 at 10:10pm
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There is a burning desire inside of all of us. A desire to be noticed, and appreciated for something. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what the something is, Just as long as it brings acceptance. Many times in my life I have stepped out of my personal box, and pretended to be interested in something I wasn’t just to feel included. The harsh truth was it made me feel lonelier. When I am by myself I am entertained. There is so much passion, and an abundance of greatness inside my thoughts. I feel liberated by my own personal taste in music. I feel complete when I’m reading a book. I feel comforted when I’m watching a favorite T.V. show. Even now, as I’m writing I feel important. Why does this make me feel lonely? I look around, and it’s just me. It’s just me enjoying a particular song, It’s just me obsessing over a great novel, it’s just me wrapped up in a T.V. drama. It’s just me pouring out my thoughts onto the screen. I know I am loved. I know I am accepted, but sometimes I just want somebody to love me for everything I love. I want them to be interested in what I do. I think I want them to feel the same peace I feel while enjoying these things. I want them to relate to who I am. What I haven’t understood until now is everybody I love, has their own personal box also. I think about how bored I am when I enter theirs. I spend the whole time dreaming about getting back to my box, and my comfort zone. So even though I feel lonely sometimes in my box, maybe it’s the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe the feeling of loneliness isn’t bad. It exist so we can know for sure who we are, and we can know we are original, and not created by someone else.
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December 31, 2008 at 11:15pm
December 31, 2008 at 11:15pm
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Corners are everywhere, lurking in the most unexpected places, preying on the easiest of targets, crippling the heaviest of survivors. Every corner, hides an edge of darkness. It is easy to find a corner, crouch down, and hide underneath the heavy weight of defeat and pain. There is hope. There is peace. There is happiness, but not in a corner. In a corner there is fear. There is sadness. There is weakness. Sometimes a corner has a sticky substance that grabs and holds on with all it’s might. It will seem like there is no way out, even though a light can be seen., it seems impossible to reach. A lot of things can happen in a corner. Disappointment. Heartbreak. Death. In these times, in this new year of 2009, corners make up most of the universe. It is nearly impossible and utterly unavoidable to find them. So what do we do? How do we survive the year of 2009? We step out, reach out , grab a hand, and hold on. Make sure everyone stuck in a corner has a hand extended to them. Don’t leave anyone in the dark. Don’t believe you are the only one stuck in a corner. Don’t be hesitate to receive a hand extended to you. Together. Hand in hand we can walk a straight path. We may still find the corners, but it’ll be harder to get stuck in them, with such a strong grasp on each other. Hand in hand is the motto for 2009.
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December 18, 2008 at 11:23pm
December 18, 2008 at 11:23pm
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Sometimes I can surrender to the unwelcome feeling of defeat. I can look around me, and be dissatisfied with all the aspects of my life. It can feel like I’m slowly fading away from who I’m supposed to be, who I wanted to be, and who I am. I question whether or not I am meant to be at the exact place I am in my life, and I question whether or not I am something important. Everything wrong in my life at the moment seems to clarify my insecurities, and I struggle to take the next breath. Then comes the agonizing, dark and thoughtful questions. Am I really as happy as I think, as I make everyone else think? Was I meant for better than this? What am I doing wrong? Then, underneath my thick stubborn emotions, I feel a shudder, a loud jolt shocking my soul. Then I hear the truth. “You’re mine. You’re going to be fine. You are not alone, I will never let go of you, and there will come a day when things will not be this way. There will come a day. Until then, I am carrying you, and I will not drop you, no matter how strong the storms are. Breathe. Relax. Believe.” All of the sudden my life has purpose again, and meaning. I don’t feel defeated, I feel victorious. There is no defeat when I have God. There will come a day.
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December 3, 2008 at 1:47pm
December 3, 2008 at 1:47pm
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I am not a superstitious person, but I am a routine person. It is Christmas season again. I love Christmas. Every year I make a promise to myself, no matter what happens, I will enjoy the season. Every year something always happens to ruin my good Christmas mood. It’s usually something financial, or something hindering in some way. Something I have no control over. Something I can not fix. Whatever happened, the blow would be that much harder, because it was Christmas. I walked around in a pity phase, and hung my head down, until I realized how selfish I was being. Down right plum dirty selfish. Christmas is not about me being happy and enjoying the season, it is about God. So I gave all of my Christmas catastrophes to God. I have never had one bad Christmas day. So this year, I am going to look forward to Christmas day, and no matter what happens, I am going to trust God, and not be selfish. So now I am ready, for anything difficult, and a Merry Christmas Day!!
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November 1, 2008 at 11:54pm
November 1, 2008 at 11:54pm
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It’s exhausting waiting on the hard things in your life to get better. Especially when there is not an answer, or much hope left to your situation. It can feel suffocating, almost like you are stuck in this reality where nothing has happened the way it was supposed too, and every day becomes a struggle to grasp for the last shred of hope left. It is there though. Hope. It may hide on some days, but it will shine at just the right moments. It’s there to remind us to breathe. It’s there to tell us there is such thing as patience. It may feel like things will be this way forever, but hope gives us a different story. One day you will find yourself living somewhere else. There will be an answer, and there will be happiness. If only for a moment, you will find yourself unstuck, able to move forward. Then all the waiting and wallowing in self pity will seem like a small bridge you had to cross just to get you here.
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October 14, 2008 at 2:50pm
October 14, 2008 at 2:50pm
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It is easy to point out all the things in my life going wrong, and all the situations needed to be changed with no way to change them. There is always a reason not to be completely happy. I wonder if God finds it offensive. I am supposed to live as if He is enough for me, I should want for nothing else. The other day I was complaining to a friend, and to make me feel better, we decided to count my blessings. It turned out I had more than I thought I did. Well, it didn’t make me feel better, it made me feel guilty. Yes, there are events, situations, and lets not leave out people, that make me sad and cause me to resent many moments of my day. It makes it hard to appreciate everything witch gets me through those moments. It is where my blessings come in. A song, A favorite TV show, a vacation away, children, Animals, and let’s not leave out people. Loved one’s in my life are standing by waiting to help me escape the sadness I place myself in, because I forget to count my blessings. More importantly, God is always standing by providing me with more blessings. So It’s easy to be sad, but it’s a blessing to be able to count my blessings.
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October 10, 2008 at 11:42pm
October 10, 2008 at 11:42pm
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There are not many times in my life I have stood up for myself. There are times I have stood up for other people, and times I have stood up for ideas and opinions, but I can not recall many times I have stood up and defended myself. There have been plenty of opportunities for me too, but I ignored them, and I took the blow. I often wonder how different and stronger my life would be if I hadn’t ignored those opportunities. I had a situation recently where I had to stand up for myself, or disappoint God. I have been in the midst of this problem many times, and I have been weak and disappointed God too many times to handle. This time was different. I stood up for myself and I said no. Nobody can make me do something I don’t want to do. Especially if it goes against everything I have worked to recover in my life. It was hard to say no. I lost respect from a friend, and a loved one, but I was right. Even though what followed was not pleasant, the feeling in my mind and soul was stronger. I was proud of myself. I was strong. I was my own person under God’s guidance.
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October 1, 2008 at 1:16pm
October 1, 2008 at 1:16pm
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It’s hard to handle my own life. I actually don’t handle it, God does, but it still is hard. I have a certain grip on things, and if I want things changed, I have the choice, and power from God to change it. What kills me inside, and aggravates me to the end of my sanity is watching a loved one, a friend, a person who has gone out of their way to plant their presence in my heart, suffer. It’s not just the suffering which plagues my temper, it is how powerless I find myself unable to contribute the answers, or even the help needed to fix them. I can listen, and I can pray, but what I can not do well is sit back and watch as things get worse and their world, and heart remains broken. I can not change things for them, and it is this fact which makes my life harder to handle.
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September 24, 2008 at 1:52pm
September 24, 2008 at 1:52pm
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Have you ever wondered why the life you were given is your life, why you were meant to go down the path you’ve been down, or why everything that has happened to you, happened? I know you've probably heard the saying “everything happens for a reason”. I use it from time to time, even though it is a little played out. In times of comfort needed, nothing else comes to mind. When you stop and think about it, using it is a little insensitive, because usually, at the time, the reason is unknown, and probably will always be unknown. There will always be the haunting question of “why?". In times of grief, and situations of darkness, a reason is needed but not delivered. "Why has this happened?" "How did I get here?" "Why is this my life?" Sometimes people have so many questions unanswered they forget how strong they are, and they stop fighting. The reason may seem important, but in reality, it doesn’t matter. What matters is getting up and moving forward. What matters is surviving. So the next time you are wondering why, and you don’t get the answer, remember to breathe deep and get up. This is your life. This is your battle to fight. You are a soldier at war with your life, and as long as you keep fighting you’re a winner. Use your weapons, friends, family, and don't forget your most succesful weapon, God.
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September 22, 2008 at 1:48pm
September 22, 2008 at 1:48pm
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There are goals in my life, I sometimes choose to pretend aren’t there because I know how hard I’ll have to work to reach them. I will put them off, and try to forget, until everyday life is punished because of it, and there is no choice but to get up and fight for control. I am at a point in my life where it is either give all I’ve got, or drown in the mess I’ve created by sitting around doing nothing. My priorities need to be rearranged. It’s time to feel the pain of fighting, as I leave the pain of regret, and defeat behind me. It can be done. I am a strong person. I’ve just covered me up with weakness. It’s time to get up and get things done, and it’s time to stop complaining about how things are, and change them.
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I get frustrated with myself more than I do other people. Even though it is the people who choose to walk all over me, and take me for granted. I have had a hard time with many people in my life treating me this way. They know I won’t say anything, and think I am fine with whatever they do, but they don’t understand with every wrongful action, my affection for them lowers. An unwanted tension is left in the air between friends, and it is hard to face the truth, maybe we truly aren’t friends. I question what I am worth to them. Do they love me as they should? Do they care about my feelings, or my heartbreak? Nice words, and laughter, only go so deep, and if that’s all there is to a friendship, or relationship, is it truly worth the effort I go through to keep them? I will do anything to avoid confrontation and conflict, because I can’t seem to breathe when I am in the midst of them. It is the most uncomfortable feeling in the world. People in my life have mistaken my avoidance with the belief I am just a sweet angelic person who can not be wronged by anything. If they could read the thoughts running through my head about them they would run. I seem to be getting more bold as I get older. Instead of just avoiding the confrontation I seem to avoid the relationships also. I just don’t understand why I am so scared to tell them what I think, if I know I am going to loose them anyway.
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I can hide. I can pretend nothing is wrong. I can get angry. I can look at you with a straight face and tell you I am fine. I can be strong. I can be tired. I can be wrong. What part of these things are myself? None of them. My emotions and actions are not who I am. Sometimes life feels like a star I can never reach. I know it is out there, and I can see it, but I can’t reach it. I have clarity, passion, and desire. I have determination, tolerance, and endurance. I have God’s love, grace, and forgiveness. In reality, I am already riding a shooting star. The truth is there is an enemy. He comes with quiet desperation, and rough expectations. He will use anything, and anybody to make me feel like I have failed at life. He will tear me down in front of the world, and he will pretend he has won the victory. He would be successful if I was not on God’s star. Once I reached God’s star He grabbed on to me and began shooting me all over the sky. God has never given up on me, like I have myself. He has never torn me down, like people have. He has never let go of me, and He never will. God has given me a ride on a shooting star to eternity in heaven, and eternity in his presence.
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Sometimes I believe people can have a secret so deep and so upsetting, it is a secret even unto themselves. In such cases as these, I don't believe it should be called a secret. I believe it should be called the truth. The truth can be buried and the shovel can disappear. A person can be strong enough to never release the truth, even if the fate of the entire world depended on it. After a while it becomes a security blanket a person holds onto with the force of a thousand armies. Even if they don't admit it to themselves they know it is there, and what it means. The damage the truth could create if released makes their grip tighten on the poison slowly destroying their own heart. A child will hide the truth of an abuse for years, in fear it would hurt someone else they love. A wife will take the truth of another love in her heart to the grave with her, in fear of hurting the person who loves her more than anything else in the world, her husband. A mother will burry the truth of adopting her child, to shield the child from ever finding out they were not wanted. A friend will burry the truth of loving another friend's love, to keep from hurting someone who has always been there for them. I think it is noble and brave of people who choose to suffer with their own secrets to protect the ones they love from harm. It is a sacrifice unseen, and unappreciated. Does it make you wonder if someone you love hides the truth? I hope I am blessed enough to have someone make such a sacrifice for me.
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I can recall moments in my life when hope was flying high, and desire was deeper than ever. I was so close to getting what I wanted. I was also sure what I wanted was exactly what I needed. Then from no where reality bites the dust, and whatever it was I was wanting slips right through the tip of my fingers, leaving me with nothing to look forward to but my same old life. I can also recall moments when I have received what I had been hoping for and desiring. They were things I wanted, and believed I needed, and the satisfaction from receiving them lead up to some of the best moments in my life. You win some, you loose some. I have recently learned this lesson. If you don't get what you need, and you are still alive and breathing and able to worship God, you didn't need it in the first place. When I think back on some of the blessings I did receive, I realize I am not as thankful of them as I was at first. Overtime they fade in the background, and new hopes and desires arise for something else. I know now it is not what I want which is important. It is what I already have. The main blessing I have is God. He is the only thing I truly need. If you have God, He takes care of everything else.
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Becoming close to people always has consequences. It is the main reason the majority of people have a hard time letting other people into their lives. It is hard to earn my complete trust. I choose carefully who I let befriend me. I am nice to everybody, and I love everybody, but I usually stop people before they enter into the true friendship mode. I know it is cowardly, and defensive. I challenge my choices every day. There are many reasons I am this way, but the main reason is I don't want any more loneliness in my life. Letting people in doesn't equal loneliness, but missing someone does. I miss a lot of people right now. People I let in. People I trusted. People I thought I would be friends with forever. So I guard my heart, because I don't want to miss another person. When I think about it, I realize I am wrong. I have memories of the people I miss. I am who I am today because of these people. They changed my life. Even though I miss them, I am proud I was a part of their life at one time. There are people who are here now. They are waiting to get in and change my life. So I will let them in, and ten years from now, I will look back and be proud, not empty.
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I will be the first to admit, life is tough sometimes. There are many journeys and trials to struggle through before getting to a certain content of happiness. There is a limit everyone has. It is a limit of too much. Weariness can consume a person's soul, poisoning there will and desire to keep moving forward. In those moments of weariness it is important to keep moving forward. Every inch will lead further away from heartache, and closer to achievement. There is a such thing as survival. It happens all the time to someone who has worked hard for it. Everybody has a chance for survival, no mater how stuck or lost they are. Survival waits for the chance to shine on every individual. Does it shine on you yet?
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© Copyright 2009 Rachwrites82 (UN: rachwrites82 at Writing.Com). All rights reserved.
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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/books/item_id/1416345-Deepest-Thoughts
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