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 |  I've maxed out. Closed this blog. |
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This is a way of making myself write something coherent and grammatically correct almost every day. I'm opinionated and need an outlet. I'm also prone to flights of fancy. Thanks for stopping by. |
| Today a local radio station was entertaining thoughts from the public on a dilemma one couple shared with them: They had a close friend who wanted to adopt a dog, but couldn't pay the dog breeder's fee of $200. They felt sorry for her and gave her the money. Now they are angry to find out that she didn't adopt a dog, but kept the money. They want to confront her and wanted advice. The majority of people called in saying it was a gift, let it go, don't ask for it back, even though a number of those sympathized with the couple. One wise person said that if you value the friendship, converse with her, rather than confront her. They could convey their disappointment and might find out she had good reasoning, or help her see their perspective in the least, but still remain friends. Almost no one said to ask for the return of the money or to rebuke her openly. I applaud their restraint. I especially appreciate the man who gave advice: before making a specific gift or loan, evaluate whether it is an appropriate gift. In this case, if the woman couldn't afford the adoption fee, how was she going to pay the vet, buy food, treats, and deal with the losses incurred by the housebreaking of a puppy? It would be an ongoing expense she couldn't afford. I have known many people to make gifts or loans for specific reasons and then be disappointed by the recipient. A grandmother gave a married granddaughter money for her to take her husband out for a nice dinner, but they used it to pay bills. The grandmother became upset and wouldn't give any more gifts, although she could easily afford them. I've seen people give money to someone who had lost a job, or buy groceries for a family, then get upset because they bought cigarettes or still had cable TV. If you give a gift, you must expect it to be used however they like, unless you lay down hard guidelines. If there are strings attached, you must list them clearly. You can have this $200 but only if you spend it on car repairs. Anything left over from the repairs must be returned to me. Or you can have this $200 for groceries, but you cannot use any of it for sodas, beer, cigarettes, magazines, or pet food, or you will have to return the money. We have to understand that a gift is a gift, and we can't control it. We can't expect people to read our minds; so if we have a conditional gift, we have to spell out the ground rules.You can't give a child a new toy, expect him to keep it in perfect condition, then get mad when he breaks it and refuse to give him another toy ever. With grown-ups, we use money instead of toys, but it's the same principle. The recipient will use the gift as he pleases, which may displease us. We have to consider whether it is an appropriate gift before we give it. We have to make our expectations very clear, and be prepared to be disappointed. The alternative is to be stingy and never gift. |
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